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It's Over

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, Feb 18, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I swear with God as my witness, that I will go to my grave never understanding my soon to be exwife.

    I missed our first divorce hearing in January as I thought it was on a different day. Not much happened during that hearing mainly that the Judge wanted to hold off anything til March, as he likes couples to be seperated for 6 months just to be sure. March will be our 6 month of seperation.

    So when my wife called me and told me about this stuff, she said that maybe we could start dating each other. And...she then suggested that I go with her and the kids to the Olive Garden on Valentines Day. Our first date!!!!

    That went well.

    Then last night happened.

    I called her and asked her if she would like a second date, taking her and the kids out for dinner this Thursday and she turned me down.

    She then gave me another new reason why we are not getting back together.

    First when she left it was the drinking.

    Then it was stupid things like, how when I was renting an electronic drumset, I started to do some online recording and that ticked her off.

    The drums are gone.

    Then it was my "obsession" with the rock band KISS. Well that is over.

    Now....last night...it is my eating habits. Apparently, even though we were married for 20 years, 20 YEARS.....she no longer likes my eating habits, as if I had control over my taste buds.

    I can read between the lines well enough to know that she is just making excuses for the obvious. She no longer wants to be with me, and she just doesnt want to hurt me by telling me the truth.

    Here's the kicker. I can't live without her. These past 6 months I have engaged on a mission of improving myself, for her. I guess that was all for nothing.

    So.....today is one of those days when I am having serious thoughts about taking care of business once and for all.

    I mean screw it....what difference does it make? Today I know the truth, and the pain I am feeling is so massively intense that I just can't do this anymore.

    I will stick around here today because I am at work, and I didnt drive 45 miles one way just to leave right now.

    But tonight may not be so good.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Well man chicks are super complicated when it comes to relations.
    1 day they love you, a day after that they fuck someone ales
    in your case where you have kids its somewhat different but i wont be amazed
    if she will find a new guy (or already have one) soon.
    Dont change yourself for her, if you want to save your marriage you should
    take her and go with her to a professional (relations issues).
    If you have the money you can also hire someone to follow her around
    to check if she got another man who plays with her mind, it can explain
    the "lets date now" and "forget about us later".
    Good luck!
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    She doesnt have another guy I know that much.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ...hey this is tough. separation and divorce, especially if children are involved, are painful and very similar to losing a loved one to death.

    i hope you make it through this - please keep reaching out here like you are doing - please hold on for your children - because that is one reason i am holding on - because i KNOW they will be damaged beyond repair - -

    you will be able to make a life for yourself, hun. it's awful and horrible , but there is a way out - pm anytime you want to talk - and there are plenty others here that are here for you too. :hug:
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    There is nothing more painful than losing ones spouse, especially when they don't even have the decency to be honest.
    Been there, worn the hair shirt.
    Two years on I still have unresolved shit from our break up (he walked) but it does get easier.
    Cry a lot, rant and rave with a friend (even an online one helps) go over and over it till you feel cleansed.
    Then find something you like, something for you, maybe get those drums back?
    It's not going to be easy, but you can come out the other side of it. :hug:
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    The thing is.....I dont really want to die, but I dont want to live either. I feel like I have lost my soul. Also my depression is very bad right now.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Sounds like you are going thru the greif stage, next will be anger, After that I don't remeber becuse I never made it past anger. That was all it took for me to get over her.. You will feel better it takes time..Don't let this drag you down. I agree with Terry that you should find something you enjoy and make yourself happy.. Time to be a little selfish.. I hope you are able to maintain and if you need to talk then feel free to PM me...
  8. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar situation too. My other half just called it quits. But life goes on dude! it must.
  9. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well after the really bad phone conversation I had with her last night, I went out to go take care of business.

    However on my way out, I ran into a friend/tenant at the building I live in. We talked for awhile. Later on that night my landlord called. She is a born again Christian, and she tried to give me spiritual help.

    I do believe that I am alive this morning only by God's grace. And if I am alive tomorrow, it will be the same.

    I came into work today to tie up some loose ends.. Later today when I get off work, I plan on going to the store to buy the supplies I will need to take care of this pain, once and foreall.
  10. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Man... broken heart is just a temporary pain, at least you managed to find
    a wife (unlike many others in here) and if you done it before you can do it again.
    And my advice, dont listen to those "spiritual" religious fanatics.. they are crazy
    And you really should take it easier, dont do anything stupid it dosnt worth it!
    Instead spend the money on something nice, go to a cinema or something.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Forpetessake, please don't do anything rash.

    The key is in your own words - You have mixed feelings about life and death. You "feel" like you have lost your soul. But you really haven't lost your soul, hun. Your soul has been dealt a blow and it hurts. But souls are meant to recover and can stretch to catch you and help you deal with new things (good and/or bad) when this has passed. I think that self-destruction at this point would show that we are still letting someone else choose the direction we go in. It hurts, but be patient.
    It takes some time to heal.

    Ride out this steep dip on the roller coaster ride. There might be a few more ups and downs to come on this particular one, but you will be fine. This particular ride will come to a stop, and you'll feel so much better. Both you and your soul will be intact - and stronger, although you might be a shade more wary of relationships for a while. You're working your way through some hard stuff. Give yourself enough time to do that.

    Feel free to pm me, hun. Stay strong and safe! :hug:
  12. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    you've got to be strong dude. millions of people face breakups / divorces and life still goes on. if two people cannot live together anymore no matter how hard they tried, then if they decide to walk out, it may be the right decision. accept it as part and parcel of life and that it is a very painful experience, no one can deny that.but it doesn't mean that you have to take ur own life. There are times when one's whole world will fall apart. One problem after another. It's like the whole world crashing down at you. Everything falls apart and despite having done your best, given your abilty, everything still continue falling and ot doesnt seem to stop. Something like a 'domino effect' and your emotional state will continue to plunge. Realise that and that you must remain calm. There is this saying " In times of trouble, the wise man doesn not pray for deliverance from danger but from deliverance from fear. You must not let your emotions overrule your rational thoughts. If not, you will end up ending your life. Yes at this point in life, you have lost the battle but you must live to fight another day in order to win the war. Don't give up. Winners never quit and quitters never win. When life puts you down, thats when you must hang on, remain calm and not fear. So what if it ends, maybe it's meant to be as a painful life lesson for you to be stronger, for you to be independant. Think about it. Think about your loved ones, how your suicide will affect them if you were to do it. Can u imagine the trauma that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives? Remember there are others who love you and if u do it, you will also destroy their lives. Think, think and re-think. pls.
  13. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    The thing is....I dont trust myself at this time. While you were typing your reply I was looking into my employer sponsered life insurance to see if they will payout.
  14. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    forpetessake, if you don't trust yourself, could you get to an emergency room/crisis center? They will help you through this crisis and keep you safe. Or perhaps you could have a friend with you for a few days? Definitely keep checking in with us here.

    I went through a divorce and I know it's hard. All the things we hoped for and expected from "marriage" gone in one "poof!" But life itself goes on; you know, even though I sometimes think of my ex now, it doesn't hurt like it used to. It did take some time to heal from it. Please, give yourself the time. Be patient. The hurt will stop.

    It's common for people going through a big break up to feel they are unworthy and useless and life will always be awful. Please don't let those feelings block your good sense. In a relationship, both people contribute to its maintenance or break up. You seem to take on the whole kit and caboodle of why it went south on just your shoulders. That's not realistic, hun. She had her flaws - it's not just your fault.

    You can and will survive this. Better days are waiting for you. Hold tight and stay safe, 'K? Keep posting. People here will help you through!

  15. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I dont even know what I am feeling now. Thanks for the kind words. I just want peace. However I get that, I need that. I havent been able to relax in the past 6 months. Well except for the week I spent in the mental ward at the hospital.
  16. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Forpetessake,
    I agree with ACY if you are feeling that down you need to get to the ER and tell them you are going to commit and you need help. You will be safe in there. We will always be here for you. Please don't do anything rash. Your life will get better, you just need time to heal..It won't happen over night. I am an old fart so I made my choice after my breakup that I will be alone the rest of my life. I live with my sister because she is divorced also. We keep each other company. Do you have a good friend you can talk to about this? I still advise the hospital it's nothing to be ashamed about. Thousands of people go thru this exact thing and they get help..Take care!!
  17. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Well I just found out that I am being put on a verbal warning for tardies at my work. So....now my work is in jeopardy too.

    This is too much for me to handle. Everything is piling up.

    Thanks for trying to help me guys. I wish all of you good luck in the future.

    Good bye
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