I wish I had more beer to drink. Oh well I do not need booze. I need carbon monoxide, yup that is what I need. Anyway let me start from the top. So I heard that my ex, who I call Z, had broken up with her boyfriend. This came as welcome news to my ears. That meant I could probably get her back. So finally after a month of barely hearing from her at all, we make plans. Well guess what, this guy decides to call her. They decide that they want to try one more time. So she cancels our hang out to go fuck him. To make things worse, she tells me that she has feelings for me. She tells me that during these past few months. Whenever we would hang out or talk on the phone. Those feelings were enough to make her second guess her choice to be in a relationship with this new guy. That is the reason he broke up with her. Because she told him she still had feelings for me. To be honest, if the simple act of talking to me on the phone was enough to make her second guess her choice WHY THE FUCK is she even with this guy? Anyway she wants to give him a real chance to be her boyfriend. Correct me if I am wrong, but if you really want to be with someone. You should not have to make yourself want and love them. So here I am once again looking for a reason to keep living. I do not know why I ask to be honest. The bucket I am asking you guys to fill has no bottom. To be honest I am not sure if I will make it to the end of today. I am pretty sure that my heart will find its way to the van in my garage. I thought love and females were worth it. They are not worth the energy it takes to pull down my pants. So everything is over for me. I will be dead in as little as 10 hours or maybe it will take me as long as 3 years to kill myself. However, there is no hope for me it is all over. I will never find another female like Z. My heart is broken beyond repair. Whatever hope I had for the future was smashed by Z as well. Because all I can do is see ways to kill myself in every cornor of this existence.