It's over...

I want the end to arrive so badly. I don't do anything but annoy people, get in others' way, and fuck up everything I attempt. I have absolutely no reason to live and I'm really pissed at my parents for carelessly and selfishly bringing me into this world and my mother constantly guilt-tripping me into staying instead of me making the BEST decision for myself and the planet by ending my own life and respecting that. At this point, not even my family can stop me now. Even my own grandmother living in Hawaii hasn't made any attempt to contact me, but she did with my brother. That, and me being a 24 year old virgin with a gay-sounding voice is telltale sign enough that I'm not fit to live or reproduce or even lose my virginity in any way beyond "beggars can't be choosers." Hopefully very soon, I'll finally muster up that courage to leave my final letter to the world and go out like a samurai who failed his mission. Nature's telling me life's not gonna get any better, and I may as well do my bucket-list stuff and end my life asap afterwords. I'm just saying don't expect me to be on here much longer... it's the best, most logical decision for the sake of this planet and the people living here that I die.

 

Thankfully life is not just about having random sex. Happiness comes from meaningful relationships, but they require time to develop. It's not about beggers can't be choosers, it is about selecting to be with someone for more than just looks and sexual desires. Your parents are not guilt-tripping, they are caring. As a parent, I can tell you that we care about our children and when they discuss things such as suicide, it is a huge pain onto our hearts. Do not blame your parents for creating you - work on finding wellness, work on not annoying people, work on not getting in people's way. Get involved with a youth group, volunteer to help others and organizations, do community service, seek out peer support via NAMI and other such organizations. Life is a difficult challenge but the challenge can sometimes be what makes it worth living.

 

Oh great, more hippie ranting from you... just what I fucking needed. You trying to put the human race on a pedestal like we're some sort of divine savant race sent here from "DA LAUUUUUD" come down to "protect" the rest of the species of plant and animal like they needed "protecting" in the first place. I'm sorry, but if one doesn't like someone "in that way" then YOU CANT FUCKING FORCE IT! I'M SORRY! I don't care how many times you've seen "Shallow Hal," but THAT IS NOT REALITY! IT'S A FUCKING MOVIE/FANTASY ON BEHALF OF BITTER FEMALES AND "MALE FEMINISTS!" I know you're quite likely one of those people who want me to be with someone I'm not interested in (for whatever reason) just 'cause they're goodly enough to have a couple conversations with me and are desperate and lonely. I would bet a decent sum of my money if I were a woman, you wouldn't be saying the same things; one thing that pisses me off about this modern world is that the pendulum that used to be chauvinistic (don't get me wrong, I am NOT chauvinist) has swung sooooooo far the other way that ALMOST EVERYTHING women do is supposedly flawless and holy and ANY man who thinks or does different (there are FEW, and I mean FEW exceptions, mostly through genetic luck) than the norm is condemned and outcast and ostracized. Plus, I don't BLAME my parents for creating me, logically there is NO way they or I could've known I'd end up the way that I did... I was saying they weren't thinking and being careless when thinking to have another child, which is a FACT. I know I'm different, but if I had a son (god forbid I ever had children, that's one thing I'm proud of myself for... it's one thing to force ME suffer through this crap, but I could never forgive myself for forcing another copy of me into this fucked up world while they're quite likely gonna end up like me or worse; anyone who has kids and isn't willing to risk the fact they might end up "losers" to society SHOULDN'T HAVE KIDS) and he was talking to me about suicide, I would LISTEN like a fucking adult to what he is saying instead of letting my emotions get in the way treating him like he's "wrong" or condescending to him. If I toss my kids into this fucked up world through my own selfishness (and if you want my opinion, giving birth to a child IS SELFISH... I'm sorry; go back to your Disney movies and fairy tales and Holy Bible if you must) the LEAST I want them to be is happy NO MATTER WHAT. (Again, if you want my opinion, THAT is true love... but to society it's not a good opinion I guess.) Maybe if more parents did that, we wouldn't have so many youth suicides, but unfortunately that's never gonna happen. Plus, your suggestions that I sacrifice myself MORE to solve problems that stem from me being self-sacrifical... GENIUS! PURE GENIUS!

Then again, what the fuck do I know? I'm just another "bad guy."

I know you probably won't believe what I just wrote anyways, so to spare you, I won't reply to you anymore. Have fun busking on the streets singing "smile on your brother." Hopefully the cops won't stop you or you won't get attacked by one of these "loving, caring" people.

 

I am sending my understanding and hugs TehAnime.. feel free to PM me if you wish.. I agree humans are actually causing more damage then protecting.. we actually are humanly engraved to call ourselves "better" so we may feel in control.. When really we are not the top of the food chain.. I have noticed the male / female so far as generally females being treated as though they are better..However that is the generality and not always the case.. Especially for those "girls" whom are more masculine.. (but males who are more feminine are more outcast then even the females who are masculine..) There honestly is a lot of people outcast for their differences.. because of the human social order.... I wish this would not be so.. But I feel it is prob of human nature.. To establish a hierarchy in which one has power over another.. And preference over another.. It makes those overhead feel more important..more in control.. but in reality they aren't.. It's like a bully trying to get something out of you to make themselves feel better..

However.. There is honestly this lack of what really is in the highest part of the hierarchy.. and that is a question many are beginning to ask.. And why all of this is happening..

Anyway.. As you know I'm here if you need to send a PM or anything..

 

And yet I still care about your life. You are posting here, so you do too. Be well.

 

You don't have to convince me TEHANIME. You need to know the truth. Well, I can't say it. But I do not need to say it.

 

...then why did you need to say I don't know the truth, need to know it, but you can't say it and you don't need to? To show off intellectually and keep me in the dark? To make yourself feel better knowing something that I don't? Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't quite know what you're getting at...

 

Once again, I can relate to what you're saying and how you feel. I may be too old and tired to be as angry about it anymore, but I assure you there was a time in my life when I was just as angry and bitter as you. I know pickwithaustin is just trying to be helpful, he has good intentions, but he'll never be able to understand. We all have different lives and different experiences, we don't all view the world in the same way. I'm only able to relate to you because I've spent the majority of my life being ostracized by my peers, rejected by the opposite sex, and cast aside by society. This world is not a happy place unless you're part of the "in" crowd. I'm afraid to have children because I worry that my social awkwardness might be genetic. Well, that and having children usually requires two people... I do have a wife, but only because I bought into the whole "beggars can't be choosers" thing and settled for someone I wasn't interested in just because she was goodly, desperate, and lonely enough to have a few conversations with me. Yep, I bought into the bullshit, thought I was doing "the right thing", what society would want me to do, and regretted every bit of it. I never should have lied to myself and settled for something I didn't want. But it's hard when everything a man does is considered wrong and women's shit apparently doesn't stink. According to society, I'm "lucky" to have her, and I'm a "bad guy" if I leave her. If the roles were reversed, people would be telling her to "ditch that worthless loser, you can do so much better". Whenever people get a divorce, most people just assume it's the man's fault, the man did something wrong, he's an insensitive shallow jerk. And women aren't shallow? Ha! Of course they are. Everybody is shallow. Human nature is flawed, we're not "special". We're animals, and not very good ones at that.

I'm not sure what my point was. I don't want you to kill yourself. I don't really want to kill myself either. I want to find happiness. I want you to find happiness as well. I know how much it sucks and I know the pain is unbearable. I can't sit here and tell you "life gets better", or "it will all work out in the end", because I don't know. I don't know if things ever do get better for people like us. Maybe not. I'm trying to stick around a little bit longer to see. I mean hell, I've stuck around this long, what's another year? Worst case scenario, life still sucks. Nothing new there, I'm used to that by now. And I imagine you probably are too. Sure, if you look at your future as being exactly the same as your present and your past, there doesn't seem to be anything worth living for. And it's hard to imagine anything other than what you've always known. But things can and do change sometimes. I came very close to a better life once... I let it slip between my fingers, because I'm an idiot, and because I was scared... but if it happened once, it can happen again. I try to keep telling myself that. I hear Tom Petty's voice singing "even the losers get lucky sometimes" in my head. I've seen other hopeless idiots get lucky. I'm not calling you a loser or a hopeless idiot, that's what I think of myself; what I'm saying is that I think anybody can get lucky.

 

respect. That's some true shit right there. I'm glad at least there's people like you on here who can see past this bullshit society and call it out for what it is as well as this uber-feminazi double-standard crap that everyone seems to have bought into. It is very true that women are shallow just like everyone else really, I've noticed this and been a victim of this firsthand... it's just that they get away with it more and men are criminalized for it. The grand irony of that is it's almost always something genetic that can't really be changed; the most common variable is HEIGHT... if not that, it's other petty shit like money (more specifically, socio-economic status.) So basically, if a male doesn't have the right skills to earn a lot of money and/or isn't tall AND good looking, he's SOL and JWF... destined to be alone forever or in the "beggars can't be choosers" quandary. It all is just a sugar-coated veil to show just how shit hasn't changed in over 6000 years since civilizations first started springing up. It's the same shit with the pendulum shoved in the opposite direction.

Basically, the only positive thing I can say about my plight is that I don't have anything to lose. I'm probably gonna give Hollywood a shot as an actor and/or give it my all and audition for every band out there lookin for a lead singer before I go out and off myself, just to say I at least gave it at all instead of killing myself with a bunch of "what ifs" being left behind. It's mostly a bucket list thing, but of course, there's always that off-chance that I'll actually succeed and will have at the very least have a reason to live beyond guilt-trips and other trite "obligations."

 

TEHANIME I hope you know I understand a lot of what you are saying basically what I'm doing is trying to take small steps forward its a struggle and I feel like killing myself all the time but I think you can get through this.

 

I am just curious why you want to be a hollywood star or a rock star. I mean, you already said you are not attractive to women. I would expect you to try for jobs that does not involve social skills. Hmmm...

 

Do you ever watch movies or listen to music? There are LOTS of unattractive superstars out there... just look at Jonah Hill, or Seth Rogan, or Seth Green even, or in music there's Aretha Franklin, Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler... in fact, even at JOB INTERVIEWS the judge based on appearances anyways. Plus, I suck at jobs that don't involve social skills anyways, so basically, I can't win either way. May as well go the full 9 and not bitch out on free shit to drink... if I'm gonna kill myself anyways right?

 

Ok I had it!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to be reported immediately. I've seen you post 3 times to this person that is struggling and not one helpful thing to say. All you are doing is trying to bring him down. I don't know what beef you have with this guy but you are going low. TEHANIME is a good person and he can do whatever his dreams are he just needs not to listen to the haters(like you).

 

Calm down, man... he's just expressing his opinion. It's a very ignorant one, but it's his nonetheless. Getting worked up over stuff like this and trying to cause internet battles does no good.

 

I feel ya I just feel that many of us our here because of negative people that say "WE CAN'T DO THIS AND CAN'T DO THAT?" Trust me I've heard 100000000000 of times things I can't do and I'm sure that most people here have. So it makes no sense to keep being negative to someone who is in a negative state of mind. TEHANIME you are a good person and I wish nothing but the best for you. If a change in scenary or job is what you need then I say go for it. For me something as simple as shaving my head has made me feel 50% more confident for me.

 

Hey, go for it. I've got some pretty crazy ideas of my own. Maybe not an official bucket list, more of like a list of "crazy shit to try as possible alternatives to suicide". Becoming a musician is one of those ideas. Not so much the acting thing for me, I don't think I'd make much of an actor, but if you think you could do it, go for it. Really, it's like you said, there's nothing to lose. I think a lot of people have found success only after being pushed to the brink and taking a risk that they wouldn't normally take. Women never liked me either, but I always thought that if I was some hot shot rock star or something, they would be all over me. Then I could actually choose who I wanted to be with instead of sitting around hoping that somebody would choose to be with me. Plus, if nothing else, you'd have shitloads of money, which - yeah, we all know money doesn't buy happiness, but it can sure as hell buy a lot of fun... you can't deny that.