I've been pissed all day. About everything. It's all going wrong. The people I have to live with are never supportive, I think they hinder all progress for me, mostly by using me, disrepecting me & taking everything I do for them for granted. So I could leave...... ending up in a group home amongst complete strangers who could give a flying F what happens to me. Or I could stay, where they care for me yet make my life miserable and don't care about that fact. As long as I'm here to do & do & do for them they feel that I am very useful & they don't want to let go of me under any circumstance. I have to deal with all the screaming and crying just for trying to relay my feelings to them. They are living in complete fantasy worlds and I am having to deal with all the shit. I even went to my docs office but he wouldn't see me because I don't have feelings of hurting others. I have to lie to get help. If I tell them I'm really going to kill myself and scream in their faces I could possibly get strapped to a bed in the hospital. But that's all! That's how they deal with people here, I've seen it with my own eyes. Supposing I get new meds in the hospital that make me feel a little better? They will only release me back to my family who will only make sure I end up just as I am right now again at some point. I haven't been sleeping just dealing with the screaming in my mind for 3 days. After the first day I thought about severe methods that would have killed me for sure by now. My head's been hurting all day but that's nothing new, yet it adds to the problems and affects my mood severely. I am pounding away at this keyboard like I want to break it. Becauise I have to keep all these feelings hidden, releasing them will only cause more problems for me. This isn't cool. It's not supposed to be this way. I hate my life so what's the use in living? So others can go on I suppose? Where does that leave me in life? Hating myself for not killing me sooner, that's where. I've gone through suicidal blackouts but someone was always there to save me. I've been used my whole life it seems, forced to grow up too soon and now I resent even being born. It's so easy to turn hatred inward. For me it is anyway. I hate myself. I should not have come this far in life. Only to end up trapped. With only 1 way out. I feel sick and very tired, too tired to go on living, too tired of everything. I just want to end it all!