I've contemplated suicide since I was a kid.. mainly because I was a fat little kid and I always got picked last or never got the girl.. I've just thought about ending it all. I haven't. Recently I've thought about it a lot more. I'm an active athlete and my love life is struggling right now. I say active athlete because anything else to describe my athletic career would be wrong. I feel as if I'm letting down all my coaches by struggling. I'm terrible at all my sports. I never place or medal or anything. I feel as if my coaches deserve better than to deal with a crappy person like me. I could just quite.. But I guess I'm just selfish. I love someone dearly.. And not just selfishly.. I really care.. but I just can't seem to do the right thing. I don't have much going for me. When I consider killing myself I talk myself out of it by saying it's selfish and that it would only hurt people that care about me.. But then I start thinking that I'm selfish and ignorant for believing that people care enough to suffer if I died.. I think about my mom.. Whether or not she'd be better off if I was gone.. I wonder.. I put so much pressure and burden on her.. I just don't know anymore. I just can't seem to do anything right. I used to be pretty happy, but I've always had my depression "bouts" I dunno what it is.. I look to religion as another way to put off my self-extermination. I think of what God would say/do/whatever to me if I killed myself? Would I be forgiven, or automatically burn in hell? Should I be selfish enough to consider if God would care? I know God cares, but I just get so wrapped up in the ifs, buts, and whats of it all. I consider killing myself, even if I don't, I figured posting wouldn't hurt me in anyway.. Thank you for your time.. -helpmeout.