I... Guess I'll just start talking. I'm not one who vents. Never have been. I work in logic, in reason, in sense. But now, I have to talk about this to someone, anyone who will listen that won't tell my family or friends. I'm engaged and my significant other has a job and no children. I have no job and a son. I've been out of work for months and desperately searching. I need SOMETHING. I'm thousands in debt and I'll be 24 in a month. Not a penny of it is student loans. Money is a big thing for my mate. I, on the opposite hand, grew up in poverty and know how to cope. But it's to no avail when I'm spending the extra energy I have to keep someone else sane as well as myself. I've also been diagnosed as having a psychotic disease for the past 5 years. It makes my life hell and makes things very difficult to explain to people. I have am above average vocabulary and am never at a loss for words, yet feel like nobody will understand the feelings my own mind inflicts on me. I fear my life is not real, that people I know are figments, that my baby is imaginary as is my child and I will awaken in a dungeon or a hospital from this fantasy to which I ran in dissociation. Maybe if I die, I wake up. I spend a great deal of my spare time thinking about blowing myself away. It's like all my frustration could be relieved by <mod edit - guidelines> I'm coming very close to the end of my rope. I only get one shot at life, yet life gets to take several shots at me. I wasn't born in Kevlar. I just want to make my baby happy and keep my child well. But my brain makes messes that seem impossible to fix.