It's so... heavy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Juliet Ca., Jun 3, 2014.

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  1. Juliet Ca.

    Juliet Ca. New Member

    I... Guess I'll just start talking. I'm not one who vents. Never have been. I work in logic, in reason, in sense. But now, I have to talk about this to someone, anyone who will listen that won't tell my family or friends.
    I'm engaged and my significant other has a job and no children. I have no job and a son. I've been out of work for months and desperately searching. I need SOMETHING. I'm thousands in debt and I'll be 24 in a month. Not a penny of it is student loans. Money is a big thing for my mate. I, on the opposite hand, grew up in poverty and know how to cope. But it's to no avail when I'm spending the extra energy I have to keep someone else sane as well as myself.
    I've also been diagnosed as having a psychotic disease for the past 5 years. It makes my life hell and makes things very difficult to explain to people. I have am above average vocabulary and am never at a loss for words, yet feel like nobody will understand the feelings my own mind inflicts on me. I fear my life is not real, that people I know are figments, that my baby is imaginary as is my child and I will awaken in a dungeon or a hospital from this fantasy to which I ran in dissociation. Maybe if I die, I wake up.
    I spend a great deal of my spare time thinking about blowing myself away. It's like all my frustration could be relieved by <mod edit - guidelines>
    I'm coming very close to the end of my rope. I only get one shot at life, yet life gets to take several shots at me. I wasn't born in Kevlar. I just want to make my baby happy and keep my child well. But my brain makes messes that seem impossible to fix.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2014
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry things have been so difficult for you. Financial stress is always hard and when you couple that with mental issues that make the easy ways everybody talks of to solve problems less than easy for many of us. While "venting" might not be your typical style of release please no that here we don;t mind it at all and it is nice to be able to discuss these things without being judged.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. Juliet Ca.

    Juliet Ca. New Member

    Thank you so much, Ben. I am often afraid that I won't make it until tomorrow. My son's other parent has custody of him, so he's not always here to look at me and convince me to continue struggling to stay with him. I'm not used to having anybody listen. My closest family and friends all seem to think they know what's best, tell me what I'm doing wrong in raising my child, tell me that I'm not searching enough for jobs, tell me things that I immediately interpret as "You're a disappointment and you're not trying hard enough."
    I'm good at picking out angsty cries for attention from friends online when they are belly aching about "problems" they create and exasperated themselves. My biggest reason for never talking to anyone about my issues is the fear of sounding like them. Thank you, Ben, for not judging me.
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