its starting again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by spidy, Apr 7, 2010.

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  1. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    i want peace i want out im seriously not well.I cant cope in society ive been trying but i seem to always fck up,nobody gets it nobody friends professionals nobody.I havnt been here for a while i guess last place i can get support i dont know ive lost all ambition again.
     
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Gav...
    All I can say is that I feel the same... but there has to be *something*, right?
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Ive done everything i can to be happy i just cant find it.Yet still get used like a piece of crap too and good person when im there yet when not needed im crap.Cant deal with b/s cant deal with myself just going to pick rght time now.Im over shrinks hosp meds councillers ppl who pretend too care and have lifes answers.I will mellow out one nght and go.This pain and exhaustion aint worth it.Firstly im going to find my inner peace when tht is threre its time something i can keep for 5 min
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    triggers are awful What has triggered this downward spiral You know there can be peace as you have had it You know there is a way out oh i have pulled myself out so many times because i know the darkness does end and there will be good days. Think about the good days think about the happiness you have had. It will end the darknes again it is just a cycle we go through Maybe time to switch meds again or up them but there will be an end to this and the sun will be back stay strong okay.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't do anything. :hug: What happened? Here if you need anything.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    thnx guys ive just been pretending it aint there i knew break down was on the way again.Im nothing meant to get kids halve the time hasnt happened yet it doew i cant support them i ll never be anything im really lost again.Yes tht little inner peace i have found fades and everything is just chaos again.I live in 2/3 different locations per week yes roof overhead not stable. Thght i was ready for work again until it came to time i paniced.Im not rght and its unfair to my kids and too my friends least if im gone only takes months to get over not have to go thrgh years of me fcking up
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    sorry spidy you're feeling like that again...
    I can tell you it will affect your family and friends forever if you take your life...
    especially your children....it will not be just a few months and they'll be over it...their whole world will shatter...
    they will all be better off if you stay around ..well or not..
    as long as you are here there is always hope..
    stay strong and fight this rotten illness....
     
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    kids wont know any different as ive learnt i need it to look like accident to everyone.I ride bikes both dirt and road plus i fish off dangerous rocks so easy
     
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Forensics are awfully good anymore, so don't be sure they won't know. And even if they thought it was an accident, it doesn't mean that they will get over it right away. I lost my mom 20 years ago, and I still miss her, and believe me, she was very abusive at times. I still wanted her in my life.

    If you found that inner peace once, then it can be found again. It's worth trying. Maybe this time it will last a little longer. And maybe a bit longer the time after. There is always hope, even when that is all we have.
     
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how old are the kids spidy?...
    they won't get over it even if it is an accident....they will lose their father forever..and they will carry that pain forever..
    are you back on meds or still off them?
     
  11. White_Darkness

    White_Darkness Well-Known Member

    your children will never get over it. i'm guessing that your children are still minors, since you wrote that you're meant to have joint custody with the other parent?
    when they grow up, they will want to spend more time with you. it's natural. don't deprive them of the chance of having their father in their life.
    I grew up without my father present - mainly because of my mom, but my dad didn't really contest the things she was doing - and now, when I'm an adult, I'm trying really hard to have a close relationship with my dad even though he lives in another country than me. It's going well so far, and to my great pleasure, his new wife has turned out to be the only person listens to me, tries to help me. She understands me, somehow.
    So please, don't give up on life. It still has a lot to offer <3
     
  12. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Ive lost both parents my mum when i was teenager dad not so long ago 2yrs or something.I dont need my kids seeing me fck up and i know my oldest hears her mother talking about me in front of others as its got bck to me.Im not respected and its too late now im beyond repair
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't beyond repair. And losing you is something your kids would never get over.
     
  14. White_Darkness

    White_Darkness Well-Known Member

    i grew up hearing awful stuff about my dad too. i think most of it is true though, but he's a reformed man and i'm continuing to build a healthy relationship with him and look forward to spending two weeks in Egypt with him and his family this summer..
    ..which means that you should prove your ex wrong! Show your kids that their mother is talking non-sense by working hard and change your life. Start over. And find someone to talk to; they will most likely be able to help you get back on track.
    You deserve it, and your kids do too.
     
  15. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    i tried tnght to help someone yet im the biggest hippercrite.yet i still stand tall and get fcked over so this time im messed up enough.No hosp no shrink nothing as if i go thrgh all tht again i am dead as she has threatened no contact with kids so i cant opt help i will accidently die as i say i have the tools dirt or road
     
  16. White_Darkness

    White_Darkness Well-Known Member

    Does she have sole custody of your children or do you have court-ordered visitation rights? Because if you have, she can say whatever she wants, it has no meaning. If she will impede your right to see your children.. You can go back to the court room and tell the judge that she is keeping your children away from you. They will probably fine her and force her to allow you back into their lives.

    I just don't know what to say to help you other than that. I'm taking it that you've already tried professional counseling and it didn't work? All doctors are different from each other and it might take a time to find the right therapist for you. At least that's something I know a bit about. I've met sooo many so-called professionals in my life and almost every single one of them was awful and made me hate psychologists and psychiatrists. But I still believe that therapy is a good and helpful thing, despite my negative experiences.
     
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you don't try to kill yourself and I'm wondering what happens if you fail on the bikes?
    what will happen to you if you hurt yourself and survive?...
    I'm worried for you...
     
  18. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Wont fail when time comes as my bikes are my second precious part of my life.Good to go for ride and clear thghts when ya can.I am sick of feeeling like a nobody getting used being the nice person and getting put down i have had it all.As im writing this im trying not to break down and tht embarrasssing for a bloke of my age.I feel dead inside.I let to much crap worry me.I really donnt know why ive relasped again i do know its been building again.Who knows all i know its not fun feeling like sht everyday and for a life of it not for me.:sad:
     
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    never too old for a good cry whether you're a bloke or not.....
    good to let it out..it helps in the long run....releases some tension..
    I know what you're saying about you being the good one who gets used and abused.....:i'm sorry:
     
  20. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    spidy, i have 3 kids and they were 14,12 and 9 when i tried to leave this world. i just couldnt even think of their thoughts or if i would hurt them. Your mind goes to far.

    But 2 years on and im still here and having had 6 months of being stable ive enjoyed my kids so much. Its the 1st time in 15 years that ive enjoyed them so much.

    It is hard when we're so far down but somewhere someone would be hurt if you go out on your bike and do the deed.

    I was a biker in my youth years, (oldie nowdays, 43) but one day when the kids have left all I want to do is my hubby get an old triumph and we go away just like old times.

    Keep safe, tight lines, donnaxx

    p.s do fishing as well, usually fly fishing as live in scotland. x
     
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