It's starting again

July 16th 2005, that was my first attempt, I shouldn't be here, I hated the guy that "did me a favour"

I thought I was past it, I've been going ok for nearly a year. But just recently Ive started to cut myself again, I don't know why I do it, but I don't control it. I just go to my room take a knife and slice away. I can't stop, and I'm not even sure I want to.

This is exactly what happened to me last time, I don't know what to do about it, last time I was like this for 2 months before I tried to take my own life.

 

the uncontrolable cutting happend to me before, and i know when i say this you will probabaly think that thats aload of bull, but find something else to do instead of it, its might take a while but there will be something, i found that music helps, it helps a few people, wen i get angry or feel like that i listen to my iPod and pace up and down the room listening to Radiohead or Thom Yorke, ano that thom yorke might not be the best person to listen to when your depressed or something but he helps me, might be something different for you but yano, have a go

 

Thanks, it's nice to have some input. But the whole distraction thing never worked for me. It doesnt matter what I immerse myself in, because it always leaves me on my own with time to think about doing it, it builds up inside of me, and when I get the opportunity, I'll do it.

The whole music thing never worked for me, probably because of the music I listen to, I'll download some Radiohead, and see what they do for me.

I think my main problem is that I don't want to stop what I do. I just don't want to try to kill myself. But already I think about it again. I'll sit on my own for hours just thinking about it. I don't want to kill myself, and cutting is all that holds me back, but eventually the cutting itself will make suicide seem like the next step. I don't know what to do

 

i can feel the pain and the pain says i am still alive, otherwise i am dead inside... for me that pain is controlable (i am in control) but reality screams at me (like family)... find something that makes you feel alive and when you get into those dark moods and are all alone... get on line cry for help... or go out...

 

It's getting worse. I cut deeper than ever last night, and I didn't feel anything. I wasn't angry or upset, I just did it. I've spend most of my day thinking about ways of killing myself. I don't understand it this time, last time I had reasons, but this time I just feel like I have to end what I began.

This is messed up, I'm encouraging others not to kill themselves, and the whole time I'm trying to stop myself.

 

Hmmm well you could do what I do and put more thought into your existence. Just think a great deal. Think, why do I cut myself? why did I start cutting myself? Why why why why? And that should keep your mind off of doing it. Just think my friend, no offense, just think. When you go into your room realize you are holding a knife. Then realize what you are about to do and ask why?

I guess that is what I do anyway. But I have always thought differently than most people. I wish I could tell you more.

 

I tried, I really did, but it got to me, I just spent 20 mins in the school bathroom cutting in to my right forearm with a pair of scissors.

I haven’t been able to listen to people speak all day, I keep thinking about when I’ll next be able to it. If no ones looking I’ll dig my nails in to my cuts through my sleeves.

 

I ****ed up last night. I failed

I spent the night crying, cutting, and considering my ways out.

Nearly everything in my life is now resting on a knife edge. I lose everything if it goes the wrong way, and I can't do much to sway it, I can only watch as the result comes in.

I have a plan, I'd like to say I hope I won't use it, but everything has started to go stale. I've had this headache for weeks, I can't listen to people speak, all I want to do is sleep and not get up. All I can think about is Suicide, the only thing that gets my mind off it is cutting, and that's starting to lose its effect. This site is all that gets me through the day. If things don't work out, I'll be gone soon

I don't know if death is the right answer this time, what I really want is the chance to erase the worst parts of my life, but I can't get that. This seems like the next best thing.

 

Profound insight. Usually what we speak to others is what we are telling ourselves. Whatever we do for others, we are doing it as much for ourselves as for them.

 

I've failed another board member, this hurts, I don't know what I'll do tonight, I'm not sure I want to go this time, but I don't feel like I deserve to be alive.

 

I do that all the time too. People sometimes think I'm this successful person with all the answers (haha, yeah right) but I'm usually talking more to self, trying to help myself more than anyone else I'm speaking to. I believe this happens because we tend to reply to issues with which we think about or have personal experience with in our own lives. We reflect upon our own personal experiences to form our opinions, and thus we're speaking more to ourselves than anyone else, even though ironically it seems that we all share similar problems. Those with depression often don't care enough about themselves to make the effort for positive change, yet they care deeply enough about others to be determined to help other people. For many of us, helping others is the only way we can help ourselves.