It's starting to feel like i'm in a dark well again....

[void115]

I almost wrote this in the suicide forum but i'm still trying to be strong. I'm just getting tired of feeling alone, empty, and easily forgotten. I have friends, i really do. I just don't have friends that i can depend on. I look at everybody else living and everyone has at least one person they can call and hang out with, one place they can go to and feel like they're like everyone else. I've never fealt like anyone and i've never had anyone in my life long-term that I could always go to (as a friend). I know I have family and that alot of people don't have that but it just doesn't feel the same. Even with my family i sometimes feel like I don't fit in. I'm starting to feel like i'm an antagonist to the world. I had a girlfriend but it ended the same way all my relationships end (whether friend or girlfriend, guy or girl) with a weird go seperate ways type move. I was doing ok this year with her i guess cause it fealt like I had found someone I could be with for good but it just didn't work out. I'm not bitter at her for it because i'm used to people only being in my life for a year or less it's just that overall i'm starting to feel like if i wasn't here i wouldn't be missed. I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't be missing out on anthing either. It's like i'm in some deep deep well and I can hear people walking and talking above but nobody can see me. A few people can hear me screaming and they stay by the well for a moment but they all end up leaving to do something else and i'm always here. I think those are my choices in life, to stay in the well god made for me (and i love god, i don't blame any of me on anyone) or just kill myself in the well (because apples that fall in forest don't make noise when no one is around).

 

[Sa Palomera]

hey there,

I'm sorry I don't have any words of advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that your post didn't go unnoticed. I'm not walking past the well, so to say.
I can offer a listening ear, if you'd like one. You can find contact information in my profile. :hug:

 

[middleofnowhere]

I was in that dark well for around five years. It's good to read that you aren't down so deep that you can't see light or hear others' voices. Hang on to that.

I just want you to know that you're not alone. It feels as though you are, but there are many in that same hole, as there are many at the top of the hole, ready to help you out. Unfortunately, I didn't get help until I was in about the tenth depth of the hole - I kept thinking I was at the bottom, only to find there was another level down - and was in a hospital after numerous suicide attempts. Since then, I've found help by having a small support team, made of people I know fairly well, by going to a depression support group, by seeing a good therapist every week for more than a year, and with the help of a good listening psychiatrist who's made a big difference by prescribing meds and adjusting dosages, sometimes just because of some small thing I said in passing.

Support of some kind can make the difference between depression and depression with suicidal ideation. Online is good, but can't replace face to face contact. I pray that God will sustain you through this hard place and will lift you back into the light.

Jim