Today I realized how I really was no longer afraid of death. That dying felt relaxing and the finality of it all felt comfortable. This scares me a lot. I struggle on and off with wanting to end my life, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't have insurance that covers things anymore, and I'm honestly tired of going to therapists and folks who just tell me the answer to all of my problems is moving out. One day I hope to move across country and get a house with some friends, but I have a credit card to pay off before I can actually save money to do so. I'm glad I finally have a job that I actually love and enjoy that doesn't further drive me to suicide, but the lack of having any outlet to actually express my feelings and just having someone to talk to is starting to crush me. I wanted to try one of those suicide chats (i'm too tired to talk on the phone right now, I hate phones anyway) but they seem to be shut off for the night. I've struggled a lot in almost the 3 years since my grandmother passed away. She was the only person I could ever really talk to about this. I have ruined many friendships by being overly emotional, complaining, and whining about silly things. I don't feel safe or comfortable talking about my problems to *anyone* I know for fear of being overly judged or losing more friends. I just want someone to talk to, so I don't have to hold it in anymore. I'm scared that I feel it's ok to die, because I know that's not the kind of person I am. I'm currently staying with my grandfather because I couldn't handle being with my mom anymore after losing a really good job I had last year. It took me 6 months out here in the boonies to find the job I do have now. My grandpa can hardly say anything positive, and puts me down for all of the little things. He is only proud of me if I am perfect, and I snapped this morning on my drive to work after I overslept and ended up being a few minutes late. He told me I should be fired and I am a terrible worker. The world doesn't care about how you feel or anything about your life. It doesn't care that you're so depressed you have to fight every fiber of your being to get out of bed in the morning and go on and live. It doesn't care that you are thinking about killing yourself, you just have to get up and go on. I put all of my effort into not letting my situation and emotions affect my work and attitude, but it's insanely difficult. My mom is not emotionally supportive or avalible either. Long story short I went through a lot of abuse from my father as a small child and things in my life have never gone real smooth. I just want someone to love me and be ok and not think less of me because I am not perfect. I have to be as perfect as I can be for the world, but I want to feel that it's ok if I make a mistake that I am not a bad person. I don't want to feel that it will be better if die. I don't care about hurting my family, they have hurt me enough and I don't really care about hurting them with my death. They can't be there for me when I really need them the most (emotionally). I want to move far away and not have to see or hear or think about them. I feel so disgusted I would rather them be dead then my grandma any day of the week. It's so disgusting, yet it makes me feel ever more justified in dying because I feel like a broken person that no one is ever going to love unless they're perfect. I feel like I've ruined myself because I'll never feel good enough to be with anyone and I will just keep pushing everyone away. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am really inching closer to actually going through with someone. I leveled out and had a good day at work but as soon as I started driving back home I cried so hard. I have never felt such loneliness and despair before, despite everything that has happened. I don't know if I can survive this feeling. I am too afraid to reach out anymore.