Its still hurting. (May upset)

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Only1?, Dec 5, 2007.

  1. Only1?

    Only1? Active Member

    Ive just joined this forum today as just recently Ive been really struggling with the pain of losing my husband to suicide around 19 months ago.

    We were married just over 11 years and had had ups and downs but there was this kind of bond there, like a telepathy that I dont know if I will ever find again. We had two children one of which was under 2 when he died. At the end we were in the process of separation and this is where it all went wrong.

    I am struggling because I cannot shift the huge burden of guilt that I am carrying and I also miss him incredibly which is like a contradiction in a sense as if I could turn the clock back I would never have let this happen.

    It hurts so much - Im going to tell the story about the last day because I just want it out of my head and Im hoping someone on here may be able to relate to it and help me see it differently. Im sorry for the long post.

    One of the things he said to me was - Its as if your dead to me now, your already gone and I cannot go on, I dont know what to do, I want you to feel this sick, hollow, but you dont.

    I was trying to be strong - thinking that a split was for the best. I was wrong looking back now. I took what I had for granted, the grass aint greener!

    On the last evening we were talking, he was talking about my mum who had died of cancer, reliving all the pain and I just couldnt take it. I just said - go away, I dont want you near me and so he stormed off into the garden. I went out and put my hand on his shoulder to try to make amends, but he shrugged away and shouted at me again. I just said, - why dont you just go then? meaning go to his brothers, or out or anywhere.

    He said - I am going, Im going somewhere you'll never be able to talk to me again. I just walked away, thinking he was being nasty again. He said 'bye' and I didnt answer, he again said 'bye'

    So I went back into the front room and ignored all the crashing and banging, he was drinking and I thought he was smashing somthing up, nothing new. He came in for the dog lead, and I thought he was off for a walk, just ignored it.

    I heard him shout, and scream something.........but again hid behind the normality of my work and ignored it. It went quiet and I figured he had calmed down.

    It got really late, just before 1am and I needed to go to sleep for work. I went out to the kitchen and looked into the garden but it was so dark, nothing. I was worried but reached for the spotlight switch. As it lit the garden I glanced out and he was there, just hanging from the garden swing, he had used the nylon dog lead and almost had to sit down as the swing was low.

    The feeling was unbearable, I shouted his name and ran out to cut him down, cpr did nothing, and I knew instantly it was too late. He looked beautiful, no stress in his face, but I still cant accept that this is life without him. I never expected we would have been anything less than friends, close close friends still bringing up our kids. Still sharing walks in the park and strolls on the beach.

    Ive been coping really well since on the outside, but I miss him so much. He was never in my dreams for a long time, and then started appearing in an angry sense. But now its become like a search, Im looking for him in others and nobody can compare. He was such a talented man, such qualities and I let it all go.

    Im not suicidal myself, but I think I need to get this out and have not had counselling........more than anything I would just like to know if its worth going through, will it help?? Thanks for reading this, Im sorry its so long.
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I have not got the concentration skills anymore to read such long posts yet read the intial part and the closure and yes, you should seek a counseling to sort out a few things about this.

    It can only do you good hun. Hope you will do it as you will benefit from it and find inner peace settling this issue.

    I wish you all the best

  3. fircone

    fircone Member

    Your post is just heart breaking and I feel for you so much, I don't normal post replies on here that much but to you I felt I had to, Please don't blame yourself, why would you have thought that was what he was going to do? Many a time myself and my partener have had arguement and never once would it have crossed my mind that he would contemplate that! No one would. I have had counseling before and if you get the right person for you then you will be amased by the results.

    A similar situation happened in my family about the same time ago to you and it takes a long time to even begin to try to understand what happened, but in time I hope you will, this forum is a good way to start

    Sending you all my best wishes, I'm here for a chat if you ever need it

    x x x
  4. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    do not blame yourself, nobody would of thought that was actually going to happen, things happen you did not tell him to do that, its not your fault you cannot control what other people do, and so whats done is done, and cannot change the past, just morn for him, and cry and get it out of your system.... you probaly need to cry. Counseling definetly could help thats for sure, sorry for your loss.
  5. baofu

    baofu Active Member

    I read trough all of the post. I'd say get a friend and talk everything you feel with him, I always believe friends are better than counselors and such. To have posted it here its the first step to get things out of you.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry for your loss and for the feelings of guilt you are suffering with. You must believe me when I say it was not your fault. Pain can cause people to do things so out of character. That's why you had no idea. Please do seek counselling or a grief support group. This is something that you should not try to do alone. Keep strong.
  7. Oh my goodness!! *hugs you tightly*
    I don't know how to say how sorry I am for you. I know it hurts, and it makes it worse to actually be there...
    I'm very glad that your not suicidal, you have your children to think of, and their future... along with yours. Counceling may work, I've had it but due to my shyness I actually never spoke, nothing wrong with me just way too shy. Are you part of any social clubs/activities? If not then it may help to do something, do what you can to take your mind off things. I know you may not be ready to find a new partner, but finding someone could really help you through it, along with friends. Moving house? That of course is probably really extreme but it helps, not having to look at everything and being reminded of himm and what happened. Take walks, clear your mind. Maybe you could join one of those things where you all sit and talk about things. I really do wish I could help because I feel terribly sorry for you. I hope all goes well for you and your future.
  8. brokensoul98

    brokensoul98 Well-Known Member

    my heart goes out to you. please don't ever blame yourself. you cannot take blame for other peoples actions. he had emotional issues. far deeper than anyone knew. a good friend of mine committed suicide just a few days ago. no one knew he was distressed. wheather or not we did, could we stop it? maybe,,, maybe not. we cannot control others. maybe he did it for attention and got out of hand. but you didn't cause it. it was done by his own hand. maybe you should move to another home so you won't have to be reminded of the tradedy. stay around friends and family. keep busy. my husband died 10 yrs ago in a car accident. we were married 2 and a half months. we had a fight just before he left. never said goodby. could i have prevented it? should i have blamed myself? should i have let him leave angry? was it my fault he drove fast? think about it..the blame is not yours
  9. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    oh hun, i am very sorry for your loss, what you wrote rought tears to my eyes.

    please don't blame yourself for what happened, it wasn't anything that you done, what was going on was what you thought was for the best but it was his resposability not yours.

    i know coz i felt the same way he did but i am still here.

    it wasn't about punishing you, making you feel his pain, it was something he needed to do to escape the hurt that the situation gave him, it was his idea, his actions and not yours.

    suicide is about how much pain you feel against your ability to cope with the pain.

    please stay with us and find the support to help you thru this.

    give councelling a go, it has helped me loads and you havent got anything to lose, they are very well trained and will be able to let you see things in a way that will allow you to bring closure over this unhappy part of your life and help you let go of any guilt you feel.

    take care

    Last edited: Dec 31, 2007