Ive just joined this forum today as just recently Ive been really struggling with the pain of losing my husband to suicide around 19 months ago. We were married just over 11 years and had had ups and downs but there was this kind of bond there, like a telepathy that I dont know if I will ever find again. We had two children one of which was under 2 when he died. At the end we were in the process of separation and this is where it all went wrong. I am struggling because I cannot shift the huge burden of guilt that I am carrying and I also miss him incredibly which is like a contradiction in a sense as if I could turn the clock back I would never have let this happen. It hurts so much - Im going to tell the story about the last day because I just want it out of my head and Im hoping someone on here may be able to relate to it and help me see it differently. Im sorry for the long post. One of the things he said to me was - Its as if your dead to me now, your already gone and I cannot go on, I dont know what to do, I want you to feel this sick, hollow, but you dont. I was trying to be strong - thinking that a split was for the best. I was wrong looking back now. I took what I had for granted, the grass aint greener! On the last evening we were talking, he was talking about my mum who had died of cancer, reliving all the pain and I just couldnt take it. I just said - go away, I dont want you near me and so he stormed off into the garden. I went out and put my hand on his shoulder to try to make amends, but he shrugged away and shouted at me again. I just said, - why dont you just go then? meaning go to his brothers, or out or anywhere. He said - I am going, Im going somewhere you'll never be able to talk to me again. I just walked away, thinking he was being nasty again. He said 'bye' and I didnt answer, he again said 'bye' So I went back into the front room and ignored all the crashing and banging, he was drinking and I thought he was smashing somthing up, nothing new. He came in for the dog lead, and I thought he was off for a walk, just ignored it. I heard him shout, and scream something.........but again hid behind the normality of my work and ignored it. It went quiet and I figured he had calmed down. It got really late, just before 1am and I needed to go to sleep for work. I went out to the kitchen and looked into the garden but it was so dark, nothing. I was worried but reached for the spotlight switch. As it lit the garden I glanced out and he was there, just hanging from the garden swing, he had used the nylon dog lead and almost had to sit down as the swing was low. The feeling was unbearable, I shouted his name and ran out to cut him down, cpr did nothing, and I knew instantly it was too late. He looked beautiful, no stress in his face, but I still cant accept that this is life without him. I never expected we would have been anything less than friends, close close friends still bringing up our kids. Still sharing walks in the park and strolls on the beach. Ive been coping really well since on the outside, but I miss him so much. He was never in my dreams for a long time, and then started appearing in an angry sense. But now its become like a search, Im looking for him in others and nobody can compare. He was such a talented man, such qualities and I let it all go. Im not suicidal myself, but I think I need to get this out and have not had counselling........more than anything I would just like to know if its worth going through, will it help?? Thanks for reading this, Im sorry its so long.