It's tearing me apart..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MarkSimmons, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. MarkSimmons

    MarkSimmons New Member

    Three years ago I started a journey that I thought would offer only happiness: I went to college. And a good one. My parents were proud of me, my friends were jealous, I was jubilant.

    In my first year I still had my parents voices in my heard, urging me to study all the time to get good grades. In my second year those voices began to fade and I started partying hard. However, by the end of that year I was put on academic probation and now, in my third year after the first semester I feel that I might be suspended from the university. I'm not sure yet and I definitely hope not.

    I haven't talked to anyone about my real academic situation, not to my parents, not to my sister, not to my girlfriend and with none of my friends. I know it would shock them if they see me suspended, and I don't plan on looking them in the eyes ever again if that ever happens. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was carrying my suitcase and leaving the university, and all around me people were looking surprised, disappointed, ashamed.. I woke up thinking about suicide.

    Then my rationality came back to me and I thought it through. I know I would disappoint everyone, but I don't want to hurt them by dying either. It's been going on and off ever since.. I either fall to pieces thinking about ending my life, or I start thinking about the disappointed faces of my parents who spent tons of money on my studies, the eyes of my friends looking at me but with no respect or decency..

    I think I'm losing my mind, this struggle is tearing my brain apart.. I've never shared this with anyone, so I hope by saying it here it will take some load of my thoughts and the conflict inside will start to disappear. I.. hope I can get through this.
     
  2. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I would say first of all not to panic. You are by no means certain that you'll be thrown off your course, especially this late into your studies. Colleges are generally loathe to let you fail if they can help it, for your benefit but also because it reflects badly on them in terms of fall out rates. The most important thing is to communicate with your personal tutor, or whoever advocates for you and tell them that you are genuinely struggling (assuming you are... if not then it may be time to start trying a bit harder). They will do everything they can to support you in your studies... or suspend them til you are more able to cope. All is not lost. Don't worry!
     
  3. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    OK. What are you unhappy about? What would make you happy?
     
  4. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Can't you read what the Guy has said?
     
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    < Mod edit Hazel: Quote of deleted post >

    Would you please stop with the stupid replies.

    People here need HELP not to be jerked around by people like you.

    Now this thread has gone off course too.

    I'm sorry Mark, I can't offer any practical advice only :hug: s
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2010
  6. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    Look. Get one thing figured out.

    I am actually trying to help. I am not making up anything.

    If I just wanted to send hugs to everyone, someone probably would jump off a cliff. I am trying to be honest and not use the cyber hug and kiss crap that only make people more depressed.

    Anyone know humour is better than anti-depressants?

    Lets get back on topic anyway, while hazel has her power coffee:)
     
  7. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Mark- although I wasn't in your situation I struggled through college feeling like I had my parents expecting better for me, its hard I know but when all my problems eventually came out but my parents and the college were very supportive about it all I got extra support woth work and turns out my parents were behind me all the way, is there someone you could speak too in the university? Let us know how your doing xx
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2010
  8. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    For a start you made it to uni. That is an achievment in itself.

    I try to blank myself to pain. You seem to have a lot you can achieve. Just remember that emotional pain can not kill you and what you survive will make you stronger.
     
  9. Robin

    Robin Guest

    If you can't learn to say fuck it, find someone to fuck, wanking will only get you so far in life and leading as many people down a path that will leave you all in the gutter 'cause you're too scared to end up there by yourself isn't going to help you or anyone else.

    If it's words of wisdom you want and not some random :hug: write to the Dalai Lama, the rest of us are just mortal and looking for our own answers.
     
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