Three years ago I started a journey that I thought would offer only happiness: I went to college. And a good one. My parents were proud of me, my friends were jealous, I was jubilant. In my first year I still had my parents voices in my heard, urging me to study all the time to get good grades. In my second year those voices began to fade and I started partying hard. However, by the end of that year I was put on academic probation and now, in my third year after the first semester I feel that I might be suspended from the university. I'm not sure yet and I definitely hope not. I haven't talked to anyone about my real academic situation, not to my parents, not to my sister, not to my girlfriend and with none of my friends. I know it would shock them if they see me suspended, and I don't plan on looking them in the eyes ever again if that ever happens. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was carrying my suitcase and leaving the university, and all around me people were looking surprised, disappointed, ashamed.. I woke up thinking about suicide. Then my rationality came back to me and I thought it through. I know I would disappoint everyone, but I don't want to hurt them by dying either. It's been going on and off ever since.. I either fall to pieces thinking about ending my life, or I start thinking about the disappointed faces of my parents who spent tons of money on my studies, the eyes of my friends looking at me but with no respect or decency.. I think I'm losing my mind, this struggle is tearing my brain apart.. I've never shared this with anyone, so I hope by saying it here it will take some load of my thoughts and the conflict inside will start to disappear. I.. hope I can get through this.