It's the darkest it's ever been
- Thread starter Catch_22
- Start date
Hey you,
I'm so sorry to read this. I was here last week. I leaned HEAVILY on the people here. It helped. Can you talk a little more about how you feel? I know that's difficult because your particular situation is kind of intense, but it's good to just get it out. I am here if you want to DM me. Or just share here. I got a lot of support last week, and I'm still struggling but I feel better knowing people will be empathetic and caring, and most importantly, they are listening.
Please take care. Little steps.
Also, you are not insane. Your situation might be, but you are not.
I'm so sorry to read this. I was here last week. I leaned HEAVILY on the people here. It helped. Can you talk a little more about how you feel? I know that's difficult because your particular situation is kind of intense, but it's good to just get it out. I am here if you want to DM me. Or just share here. I got a lot of support last week, and I'm still struggling but I feel better knowing people will be empathetic and caring, and most importantly, they are listening.
Please take care. Little steps.
Also, you are not insane. Your situation might be, but you are not.
No consequences here. That’s one of the beauties of SF. It is a great space to be able to say exactly how you are feeling. I do it all the time. I rely on it, to get the words out of my head and to know someone will read it. There are some amazing people here and sometimes someone says something which just makes sense and comes just at the right time when you need to hear it the most. Sometimes that hug makes all the difference. Practice leaning on us and one day, if you feel up to it, you might feel able support someone else. That’s what it’s all about. 
Xx
Xx
I hope I can spread a little digital empathy. I hear you--you feel you are
at your lowest point. Maybe there is room to rise up a little bit. Let us
know what we can do for you. We're hear to listen and let you lean on
us. I know that gloomy depth you in--I've been there. Just hold on and
take a day at a time. And do all the leaning you need to.
at your lowest point. Maybe there is room to rise up a little bit. Let us
know what we can do for you. We're hear to listen and let you lean on
us. I know that gloomy depth you in--I've been there. Just hold on and
take a day at a time. And do all the leaning you need to.
Thank you everyone.
But how.
The darkness is buried and silenced. Nobody ever had a relationship with me to teach me how to talk. I was raised by people I wasn't allowed to have real emotions in my private life at all about anything. I was forced to use my emotions for the congregations. I open mouth to talk but only tears and screams or nothing comes out. Or alters acting in ways that alienate anyone from knowing anything real.
When asked for help when reached out got kicked in the face repeatedly and left for dead.
I loved everyone. No one returned it. I served my god. I served my church, my people, my family. They returned it with hate and rejection and murder.
I tried.
There isn't anything to try. Nothing left to lose. My best friend my only friend is a dog. He knows I'm dying. I don't even treat him right anymore. He knows I'm leaving.
Every sign that says someone is dying has been here for twenty five years.
My life is only shame and terror.
No one cares ab the signs. One ex is my cat was dying last yr, vet says, take notice when she changes bec that's the end. Notice when she stops grooming. Notice when she stops laying in the sun. Notice her eyes and vocalizations change.
None of this matters if you are human apparently. Or it's just me.
It's just me.
Everyone just doesn't want me.
I lived w hope and had it all blown up. There is none now. I said good bye to the dog I know.
None of this is even saying anything.so no point in trying really, see.
I'm my own doublespeak chamber, the surface betraying the deep, in an effort to help.
I need rescue on my situation.
It's not coming.
Idk..want to delete but f it
But how.
The darkness is buried and silenced. Nobody ever had a relationship with me to teach me how to talk. I was raised by people I wasn't allowed to have real emotions in my private life at all about anything. I was forced to use my emotions for the congregations. I open mouth to talk but only tears and screams or nothing comes out. Or alters acting in ways that alienate anyone from knowing anything real.
When asked for help when reached out got kicked in the face repeatedly and left for dead.
I loved everyone. No one returned it. I served my god. I served my church, my people, my family. They returned it with hate and rejection and murder.
I tried.
There isn't anything to try. Nothing left to lose. My best friend my only friend is a dog. He knows I'm dying. I don't even treat him right anymore. He knows I'm leaving.
Every sign that says someone is dying has been here for twenty five years.
My life is only shame and terror.
No one cares ab the signs. One ex is my cat was dying last yr, vet says, take notice when she changes bec that's the end. Notice when she stops grooming. Notice when she stops laying in the sun. Notice her eyes and vocalizations change.
None of this matters if you are human apparently. Or it's just me.
It's just me.
Everyone just doesn't want me.
I lived w hope and had it all blown up. There is none now. I said good bye to the dog I know.
None of this is even saying anything.so no point in trying really, see.
I'm my own doublespeak chamber, the surface betraying the deep, in an effort to help.
I need rescue on my situation.
It's not coming.
Idk..want to delete but f it
I know no one gets it.
I can't talk I'm not allowed to.
It's also not safe.
It's also not possible.
It also hurts and has to be done a certain way because I'm psychologically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually/physiologically tortured in a very specific way.
So people see a freak not a person
They say goto a specialist that really doesn't exist and why
So if no one talks to you you should have to spend your life in therapy only communicating w a therapist.
That's fucking stupid and cruel
I think I'm a prisoner
But no others here believe
On the inside or the outside
I think I've been in captivity
But it's too sophisticated for anyone to believe me
I guess or for a doubting brain made to doubt to believe
A part researched psychological torture
Makes whole brain believe we be been in captivity
Soon as the information is away we no longer can remember and we no longer believe
All the torture stuff is the same
So how does one figure that if I haven't been
What's the explanation for never being allowed or able to be my real self.
There are burdens I was born into I am.not allowed to say
The breezy spring air should bring peace
It doesn't.
I can't talk I'm not allowed to.
It's also not safe.
It's also not possible.
It also hurts and has to be done a certain way because I'm psychologically/emotionally/mentally/spiritually/physiologically tortured in a very specific way.
So people see a freak not a person
They say goto a specialist that really doesn't exist and why
So if no one talks to you you should have to spend your life in therapy only communicating w a therapist.
That's fucking stupid and cruel
I think I'm a prisoner
But no others here believe
On the inside or the outside
I think I've been in captivity
But it's too sophisticated for anyone to believe me
I guess or for a doubting brain made to doubt to believe
A part researched psychological torture
Makes whole brain believe we be been in captivity
Soon as the information is away we no longer can remember and we no longer believe
All the torture stuff is the same
So how does one figure that if I haven't been
What's the explanation for never being allowed or able to be my real self.
There are burdens I was born into I am.not allowed to say
The breezy spring air should bring peace
It doesn't.
I think Spring is my least favorite season. . .
I just want you to know, that I understand, or can hear all of your frustrations with the current events in your life, or the way in which things are going (that you do not want, or wish for them to be - going~ so!)...
I only wish, that I had some better understanding, or knowledge, rather--with your condition; such that I might be better able to guide you, or lend some 'guidance,' with some of these struggles, of which you speak. As it stands, I do not experience some of the problems that you do. And I have not encountered in my own personal life, any that do either. Meaning, my base or wealth of information, is next to null: or 'Zero!' in this way - I sometimes very often feel utterly "helpless~." to offer much beyond moral support, or encouragement. But I know that that only does so much. And sometimes, even less than little, or that-
If there was something I knew, to suggest to you, that would be of use -- believe me, I'd be offering it up to you now. For I hate to see you suffer. Any more than you already have. . . I can only say, or give to you my best regards, wishes and hopes that you can somehow find a way to turn it around. And steer the ship in the right (or more correct) direction! : ) For I truly to feel, that you deserve the best fortune, that can come your way, when it comes to rectifying some of the crimes, or at the very least, bad things, that have been done onto/unto you already. If for no better reason, that to help balance out the equation for you, in life...
I just want you to know, that I understand, or can hear all of your frustrations with the current events in your life, or the way in which things are going (that you do not want, or wish for them to be - going~ so!)...
I only wish, that I had some better understanding, or knowledge, rather--with your condition; such that I might be better able to guide you, or lend some 'guidance,' with some of these struggles, of which you speak. As it stands, I do not experience some of the problems that you do. And I have not encountered in my own personal life, any that do either. Meaning, my base or wealth of information, is next to null: or 'Zero!' in this way - I sometimes very often feel utterly "helpless~." to offer much beyond moral support, or encouragement. But I know that that only does so much. And sometimes, even less than little, or that-
If there was something I knew, to suggest to you, that would be of use -- believe me, I'd be offering it up to you now. For I hate to see you suffer. Any more than you already have. . . I can only say, or give to you my best regards, wishes and hopes that you can somehow find a way to turn it around. And steer the ship in the right (or more correct) direction! : ) For I truly to feel, that you deserve the best fortune, that can come your way, when it comes to rectifying some of the crimes, or at the very least, bad things, that have been done onto/unto you already. If for no better reason, that to help balance out the equation for you, in life...
You're a very evocative writer. I'm a published short story writer so I know what I'm talking about. Have you considered writing your life story or journaling or maybe writing short stories? It can be very healing, and sharing this way with others can give your life purpose and meaning. I can send you a link if you want to read a 1-page story by myself that's an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. It's fiction but based on my life.
s
sPlease don't link from this site.
I am hesitant but will slowly start to share some background info for the few of you interested in understanding to support better. We will start with one resource at a time because the situation is complicated and I'm scared.
https://ladywithatruck.com/abuse-can-be-subtle-and-deadly/
When people talk about narcissistic abuse, they rarely consider how evil, how lethal and how permanently destructive it is. They do not see criminal minds.
It only takes one perp to kill the person they are abusing with their mind and behaviour. It only takes one. I have had probably close to a hundred. If you think I'm lying buzz off. Most narc victims cannot even understand my predicament or how I have survived. People focus on d.i.d. when that label was used to destroy me and stay accessed by perps, instead of focusing on what the actual problem is that's driven us into this situation and who caused the abuse and the splits, and why.
Let me know if you read please and if it informs.you any better to my situation. Since I'm diff so much on here it may be I'm swiss cheesing leaving stuff out to be filled in later.
I am hesitant but will slowly start to share some background info for the few of you interested in understanding to support better. We will start with one resource at a time because the situation is complicated and I'm scared.
https://ladywithatruck.com/abuse-can-be-subtle-and-deadly/
When people talk about narcissistic abuse, they rarely consider how evil, how lethal and how permanently destructive it is. They do not see criminal minds.
It only takes one perp to kill the person they are abusing with their mind and behaviour. It only takes one. I have had probably close to a hundred. If you think I'm lying buzz off. Most narc victims cannot even understand my predicament or how I have survived. People focus on d.i.d. when that label was used to destroy me and stay accessed by perps, instead of focusing on what the actual problem is that's driven us into this situation and who caused the abuse and the splits, and why.
Let me know if you read please and if it informs.you any better to my situation. Since I'm diff so much on here it may be I'm swiss cheesing leaving stuff out to be filled in later.