Last night I was probably at my all time lowest. I've been 'fantasising' about my death for a while now, I'd had enough last night and I forced myself to lie in bed and forget about my problems because I knew that if I left the house, as I wished to do so, I would most definitely do something I would regret, if I was still around to regret it. Of course that means that I don't really want to end my life, I just feel like i'm screaming for help but there's nobody there right now to answer. Maybe that's why the small things in life are able to pick me back up again. This morning I received a message from someone I haven't spoken to in a while asking to meet up. I had thought he had forgotten about me but its things like this that make you realise there are other people in the world who think about you, there are people in the world which you have an impact upon. Sometimes that realisation scares me and only makes me feel more guilty, but this morning it gave me hope. Life isn't over, it's too much right now but it's not the end. It can't be. It's easy to not see the little positive things when your mind is clouded with depression, everything that happens is just an addition to this world of misery. But if you can manage to look past there are new and interesting opportunities and experiences in life, no matter how small: when a little kid smiles at you, or you manage to catch an earlier bus than usual, or someone on the internet compliments you on your work, or you get an invite to a social evening or an old friend calls you up out of the blue. There will be something to cling onto, at least one rope hanging in the sea of emptiness and nothingness. It might be a flimsy rope but if you grab hold of it I'm sure you can see more to follow and find a way out. Or that's what I'm hoping for anyway. I need a much stronger rope than this but it's enough to stop me from drowning for the moment.