It's the part about failing that sucks the most

everyone speeds on the 400 highway in ontario.... everyone
at night sometimes more so because there are less cars
it would be so easy
dress in all black
hide behind a guard rail
jump out

what scares me.... is that i could still end up living because of some fluke

 

You shouldn't want to do that. Could you imagine the sheer guilt someone would feel over hurting or killing you that way? You'd be giving them emotional problems they'd keep for years.

And besides that, you should want to live. You've got the entire world to enjoy, my buddy.

 

but right now the world isnt there for me to enjoy.
i am being limited and with no control over it
the car idea may not work for several reasons, but people throw up pills all the time and the idea of cutting turns my stomach

 

Just because you aren't happy right now doesn't mean that's a reason to want to end it all.

Try to look at your life and see what's best about it.

 

I know I "SHOULDN'T" feel the way I do, but shouldn't is just another negative word people throw at me. I am grateful for a lot of things in my life, but I still don't want to live most of the time.
I'm tired of fighting day after day just to be OK.
I'm just so tired.

 

I understand how you are feeling right now, J. I really do. But trust me, the release you are looking for is only more painful.
You can make it through, just find things that make you feel better. Some people write, some watch happy movies or listen to happy tunes. Some people just need to talk it out, it doesn't matter if the person you are talking to has no answers, just that they are listening, and not pretending to as they wait for their turn to talk.

Even if you feel that you aren't good at writing or drawing, you should keep a journal. Write in blue ink when you are down, a brighter color when you feel that maybe things will be okay. Draw little doodles that show your feelings. It doesn't matter if it makes no since, it doesn't matter if you know nothing about writing or poetry, it doesn't matter if you can't draw, this is for you, no one else.

As you write, look back often. Re-read the passages in the brighter colors. Look at the doodles. This way you will always be able to look back on the things that make you feel happy or at peace, helping to keep you going. The blue isn't you, the bright is. The blue is just the illness, just the depression, the rest is all you my friend.

 

I can guarantee you once you get to the location it won't be as easy as you've thought it to be.

I have all the means. For me it was the vision of my mother suffering, and me only worsening her blood pressure problems. Once you get to the point, it doesn't seem all that easy any more even if you've been pushed way over the edge.