it's time to get serious

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dumdumgurl, May 17, 2007.

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  1. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    and just make sure we have it all down this time; no screwups. i cant' stand the agony and i'm sick of people thinking we are doing thing to them when it seems to me to be the other way around in my case. so screw i'm, i'm done i just need to chat with an ex tonight to have him bleed all over me and make me feel like i'm not worth anything and then i'll have to wait until i get the things i'll neeed in the next day or so. then it's a trip to the liquor store and then some serious pain relief. it's time i've had it i can't stand the sadness and being abandoned and hurt by people who claim they love me and they really only want me alive for their own "selfish" reasons. i'm not being selfish... i signed up for the it will be better tomorrow future and it's just not and nothing helps and the fear just grows and grows each day and NOBODY gets it!!!! i'm sick sick sick of trying to make it better on my own and i've been told by a friend they don't know that they could have endured all i've had to suffer the last few years alone (ALONE) and be able to get as far as i have been and still not give up hope. well hope's done with, finite done it's over, GAME OVER!
     
  2. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    Please don't do anything to your self. I know that things can become intolerable in life and we think that death is our only way to make the pain stop. It's not though. Most of the time finding a little bit of happiness just ends up taking a lot longer than we would like it to.

    You are being way too hard on yourself. We are usually our own worst critics. You don't need to go to your ex and have him make you feel worse. Please do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it. And please hang around.

    Hang on for tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day. It may not be the best, but at least it's not today.
     
  3. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    i just got back from seeing my ex. he didn't even talk just said i want you to leave me alone and it didnt' work out that's taht. he said he had his own problems.....

    i will die and he just made me realize whyi had to. i had to terminate a pregnancy by himj and he's never let me live it down.l now i will be with my child.... i will do it and it's just a mater of when i'm working on it and should haev all i need tomorrow but it won't be tomorrow but it will be soon as i can't stand what he did to me an hour ago!
     
  4. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    well i guess it's made up, i'll be gone inthe near future and i'm so giddy i'm just so excited i'm about to lose it.

    posting to this forum made me realize i'm correct in what should have been accomplished ages ago; before i had my last suicide attempt 2 years ago it had been 20 years since i did anything sure i thought about it but i didn't have the means to do it properly adn i'm a coward although i've lived with chronic pain from three different health situations so i can't cut my wrists deep enough and i can't hang myself and i couldn't drown although if i jumped off a bridge near a waterway i don't know how to swim so i would drown without anything i could do about it. i will supposedly have major pain pills by tomorrow and i will have enough to take and get myself relaxed and feeling strong and then i will take the rest and lucky thing is i have a prescription for nascea and so i can take that after itake the inital pain meds to relax and that will help mefrom vomiting up the meds. i will take a motherload of pain meds that should kill a horse and hopefully me. i do have a high tolerance level and what would kill someone else might not even affect me but i did do somemath and this should work. and the good thing is i can cut teh pills in 4s and it will be easy to swallow then and less likely for me to gag. then i will drink some alcohol and i wish i could stand a higher proof like vodka or whiskey but i ahte the burning of the throat and i don't want to vomit so i have to drink something less potent but hopefully it will be enough to do me in with the pills. i will place a blanket under me in case i urinate like the last time and protect teh bed as i lie face up and stay that way in case i vomit and then i can suffocate and drown in my own vomit.

    the attempt i made two years ago should have worked and i am looking forward to an easy attempt like that it was a cake walk the being found just before i died sucked and it was a miracle i was cause i live alone and i hope my family didn't make spare keys when they had me priosoner at their house that time.... i tossed some trash outand i "thought" the keys had gotten thrown into the dumpster and they didnt' they landed outside and someone had found them and put them on the corkboard by the mailborxces and so when my dad came he said "those are dumdumgurl's keys" and then called my sister cause he knew something was dreadfully wrong. they found me just in time. i had swalled many pills and had been left here for 11 days and the medical field has all said they don't knw how i survived without food or water for 11 days; i don't know either but had i not been found when i did that night i would have expired only my brain stem was focusing at the time. and if i end up a vegetable where i'm in a bed hooked up to machines (although i have a living will that asks them to pull the plug in a non living situatin) that is fine too becaue then i haven't killed myselfand maybe there won't be any bad karma and i don't have to come back to another lifetime which i belive you do but i was told by a world renowned valid psychic that it was my last lifetime and i would remain in heaven and work there after this life. i've felt that but i can't live thislife anymore and that might mean i have to come back again and well maybe i can handle it and set up alittle more better support family situatin in my life chart because this has been an abusive very abandoning and agonizing life and even a freind said they didnt' know that they could do all i have done ALONE. i'm so scared and fearful it's not funny. but death doesn't frighten me and i'm sure god will hold me in his hands and tell me (tears here big time!) "i love you and understand you did your best and i won't punish you for your decision. i love you and want to help you i willbe the one who helps you where no one else would or could."

    i had a near fatal car accident last july and i should have for all intensive purposes died but i didn't and was upset because something i didn't cause but was accused of by some. they brought me by helicopter to a well known city hospital where they opened me up totally in the abdomen and it was a lacerated liver that was causing me to bleed out. i have been told by many medical people that i was so close it wsn't funny, yet i find it very funny and sad that i was caught "just in time" AGAIN dammit why does it have to be so close why couldn't i have just died? i'm told the liver can pump out more blood than they can pump into you so you usually die when you are in my situation. why does my body betray me. i'm hoping i have it all settled this time adn when i swallow and drink i will have to remain calm and realize i'm going to a much better place where the pain will go away or at least i will have support to get better in the healing room in heaven. i don'twant god to hate me but he could have had my ex be kind and not so hateful and venomous towards me. i just asked a question on a horary astrology site whether he thought of me and if it was favorable even though he was so mean to me yesterday. i ran the chart and got a yes but hopefully someone will be kind and answer it; i'mdoubting it and again it hurts to be ignored but being igorned is commonplace for me and i'm used to it.

    i'm supposed to have surgery on my right leg to remove the plate and screws from the bad break fromthe car accident 10 months ago. mabye if my leg wasn't a problemi would be able to look forward to much more. but workers comp will be dragging me into court again to stop payments and benefits becasue they just hadme see their hitman (their own paid doctor of like $1,000 to slice and dice meup and make it out like i can work). he "appeared" to believe i was getting better and that i wasn't able to work just yet but i'm sure the report will say i can work because that's what he is paid to say. so i figure why have my health insurance pay for a surgeryand so i've moved my plans up to a sooner date because i can't even sleep i'm so depressed and all i can think of is the fear and the inability to get over a love and the things we did/weretogether. why couldn't he even have been just a friend? why? why did he abandon me everytime and why is he being so mean and nasty and hurtful. before i went to see him i was CRYING MY EYES OUT and shaking saying "i know he's going to HURT me' and my god if he didn't just go for the jugular. i'm devastated and there's no way on top of everyihing else can i get over it. i gave hima card that was very expressful and said can we work it out as friends and told him if he wanted to do something about the contents of the card to get intouch with me in a week and if he didn't i would just do what he does ignore me and i'm sure in the future at some point he will have so much sadness and remorse towards me and i'll be gone. i have another card tha is appropriate and will put it in my bos of important papers and put a sticky on it to my family to mail out right away as is (hopefully they won't open it but if they do i'm sure they will send it knowing that he was one of the reasons and want him to feel pain over what he's done to me and it's not solely him that has mein pain there are 44 years of things that have caused pain and fear and wanting to just die because i can't stand it anymore. someone PM'd me and asked how old i was and i replied 44 and it doesn't get any easier or better as i signed up for the "let dumdumgirl be happyh" and she never has been i've only felt alive with my ex and he always said that if i felt that way that i would talk to him but he said yesterday to leave him alone and he would bounce me out of his life because he couldn't deal with it so he'd do something stupid like maybe get intouch with my father and tell him i had told him i was going to kill myself and that would be a big mistake so i can't even tell him of my plans) and the card will have a small note in it saying that if he got this i would be with shawn our unborn baby and that i was being a spectacular mom to her. i don't come right out and say i'm dead (and i'm going to send it to his mom'shouse so that he can't just ignore the letter and i will put onthe outside of the envelope "really urgent" so that he might open it instaed of throwingit away and i will have my dad's return address and not mine so that again he'll open it andnot throw it away. if it comesfrom my dad he will know smething is wrong and ithink where idont' say i'm dead but imply it, hewill get i'm gone. my dad has his old phone number that was working but no answering machine picked up and i don't know why. iknow he's moved and so if my dad tries thenumber he won't get an answer. he can even if he has for some reason his old address get it returned to him because there was no return address. he shut me out and has hurt me beyond reason, there is no reason for himto do this. why did it have to turn out this way it was the last piece in the puzzle.

    i'm also afraid i won't be able to get a job to pay for my expenses and i'm not the type to live with anyone so i'mscared of losing what little benefits i have and have to take a lower paying job and not be able to pay the bills or not be able to afford anything else but pay for the bills. that would have me stuck inmy apt in four walls all alone again and not even be able to seek out a relationshp. i think i'll ask another questino fromthe astrolgy site and ask when will i find anohter romantic love interest and again i'm not sure the question will be answered. there was a woman there that was very mean and she might have prejudiced people against responding tome. why do i always run into bullies.... the reason i got hurt at work 5 years ago was due to a bully boss who was on my case and trying to exhile me.... well she succeeded.

    i had to terminate a pregnancy becaues of health issues and having a baby born hooked on oxycontin. even my counselor at the time had me talk about it and she didn't say don't do it she even said i would guess the doctors would not advise a pregnancyat this time. so i went to the clinic alone and had he been with me when we both saw the ultrasound i wouldn't have been able to terminate the pregnancy and i made sure i did it when i could take a pill and have the embryo self abort instead of having to have the nightmare and horror of having to be vacuumed out; that would have done me in wihtin alittle time frame because of the horror. and to top it all off i had just swallowed the pill when the staff were talking about the 9/11 airplane terrorist attacks in america. do you know how hard that is to have terminated a pregnancy on a tragic date of 9/11/2001? can anyone possibly understand that. and then i was hurting so bad that i called 911 and they took me to the ER where i was put in a room and alone again. i calleda girlfriend and she came and i will feel badly she will be sad i'm gone but i can't help it and she knws the pain i'm in so she will at least know i'm at peace. i called my ex and he stupidly got the gerbils in a carry case (they were traumatized when i saw them on my way back home fromthe hospital) and took forever to get here. he said he thought the "kids" would make me feel better. well the ambulance guys were supposed to leave where they were taking me but the assholes didn't do as they said. so he eventually showed up (before mygirlfriend i htink) and i was hysterical. he's always blamed me for that and told his parents i did this what kind of insensitive ass would do that and to blame metotally . EVERYONE in the city clinic had someone there WITH them and i had to do it all alone so i went on automatic pilot. i so regret it right now but i do know it was necessary and i had no other choise. and if he's acting the way he is now would he have married me and stayed with me. he offered me allhis money to keep the baby and it wasn't about money. does anyone know how hard this all is.

    i've got to end this because i know i've reached the limit and will continue in another post.
     
  5. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    i found out my mother was going to give me and my sister up for adoption when we were really young. dad was an alcoholic and she was suffering with life's circumstances so she was going to get rid of me. i think the reason she didn't becasue her parents and his would have been livid and she didn't want to live like that. she was three months pregnant with my sister when they married and her mother boycotted the wedding ceremony and turned a cold shoulder towards her. i asked my dad one time after i moved out whether i was wanted or not and he didnt' say yes in any way shape or form just that i was an accident and he didn't say no it wasn't planned but we love you and couldn't imagine life wihtout you... it was again cold like my ex's meeting yesterday. and this time after the car accident he tried to "posses" me and "control" me and i had to do things his way. when my counselor came to the house after i called her the night before and said i needed to see her and couldn't make it to her office, he said in his first words "dumdumgurl can't stay here tonight" he was convinced i was suffering fromwithdrawals but i was suffocating and dying having to live under a drill sargeant who wouldn't let me take care of me the way i needed to to heal and all the medical peple were saying i was progtressing at a remarkable rate and so i was doing the right things andhe had no right to punish and dictate me day after day. he "yelled" at me when i was in bed one time and said not to worry and he said "WELL I DO" and he said i wasn't going to stay in bed all day i didn't do that in the rehabilitatin hospital and i wasn't at his house to do that. so he had me fearing he'd actually take me and leave my crippled unworking body in the middle of the streest someday. he wanted me taken to a drug rehab place but it was 10 days after being out of the hospital and i hadn't taken any pain meds (and i was taken 2 percocet every 3 hours pretty much for weeks) becaues he said he couldn't mentally handle pain meds inhis house so i had no pain meds and didn't have any withdrawals my body was also taking morphine when i overdosed and had a butt wound that they had to cut into a huge valley to get the infected tissue out and my father saw it and so he also was not relating to the pain i was blocking out and didn't care that i had to suffer after all i did this i should be punished severly and he did oh mighty god did he. i finally broke down in tears and asked to come home and he was like it is a mistake and i had to take care ofmyself as i did this timearound and i wasn't able to use my right leg or right arm and was pretty much crippled and unable to do anything besides be in bed or watch tv.

    i was in a state of if i stay in my father's house one more day i will lose my mind and be a mind vegetable and be locked up in a state instiatuion where i'd be abused and neglected by the staff and possibly raped. a woman at the hospital they put me in was in a state place and she said it was horribly mean and cruel and she was raped twice and she started to cry. if i get raped ever i will not in any way shape or form be able to mentally function and hpe to shut down. i'm petrified of being locked up again and well i'mhoping i have enough lame excuses so they think i wasn't serious serious but looking to ease some pain that way they don't keep me. playing their "healing" talk games bores me to no end and does me no good... i'm morementally alert than most in that situatin i've found. one woman saw my ex when he was visiting and asked "husband" and i said no boyfriend. she said she could marry us and people who are emotionally pained can see what most can't and she saw the love between usand now even if i do (god i don't want to be found or helped in any way... i do remember when i was brought to a conscious state saying "call 911 call 911" hoping the man downstairs was homeand heard me... i'm not joking around i really want to do this unless something changes drastically in the next few days) survive i won't be able to be in touch with him and i can't bother him or he'll get a restraining order or something that isn't in my best interest and i wouldn't doubt he would do that because i can only assume he's hurting himself but he didn't have to be so mean he could have been kind when saying he doesnt' wish to be in touch with him. my ex helped an old girlfriend die of leukemia and on her last day he didn't go see her because her family was against it and so to this day he still cries. we were watching "its my life" where an aids patient od's on sleeping pills (wish i had those and could get them buti can't these pain pills should do the trick. i will stop eating a couple of days before so that there isno food to help absorb stuff and i will drink minimal amouts just so that dehydration can really take effect and between the pain meds shutting down my body and it dehydrating i shoudl succeed, that's what i truly wish) and when it got to a certain point he started bawling his eyes out and i let him have a few moments alone inthe bathroom before i went in to comfort himand he said he wasn't there for x when she died and he felt horrible and i dn't think he'll ever get over it and well if i'm doing anything selfish it's for him to miss his unborn baby everytime because i do mention that in the card that i have addressed to him (i said everytime he thinks of his nephew x that he remember his baby x that i'm now taking care of).why has he been so mean to methe only thing i cna think of it's the babies. i did tell himi was pregnant and lost a baby the weekend before the bad car accident. i told him all the pregnancy signs and i think he believes itor else hewould have told me i wasn't pregnant and it was a lie i was feeding him. i told himwhere heleft mei was never goingto tell himabout the baby becasue he abandoned us so cruelly. he also when he wanted to leave ran meover with amac truckand then got out and went to my mangled body and took my heart in his hands and ripped themto pieces. why does a guy do this. and he once said after an argument in a phone message "i love you i will always love you with Y-O-U- that will not change" so does he love me. before he left withhin a few days of the breakup he said "dumdumgurl i love you VERY much" and he had never said very and he wanted meto move away with him if he got a job and he gave mehis apartment keys when awhile ago he said we weren't at that stage and he said that callusly andmeanly. so i'm guessing in time he will mellow out and maybe not think of the babies (hey i could get out of it by saying in counseling it came to me that i wasn't pregnant but where i had the feeling i was after the car accident my banged head had me thinking the symptoms were from a pregnancy so that he won't be mad at meand think i was manipulating him; so i do have a way out of that without causing more pain, he'd never know because there are no medical records and no one i said knows about it but him. when i was recuperating and "coming to" after the car accident i was dreaming i was inhis opened up for space apartment and that medical students were aidingme. he's so much a part of methat i was thinking of him coming out of a horrendous ordeal. so anyone saying get over him well i can't and ican't stand to "think" and "remember" all we did and were together. had we been friends. he had once said he didn't know why exes hated each other well he's in that boat now. why why why why why why why..... if i knew why then i think i could process it but i have no idea and i'm swimming in agony and it's an agony that is allowing me to be joyful of my upcoming journey hopefully to heaven; idon't believe inhell so if someone thinks that will help it won't becasue i believe that you might have to do some serious rectifying inheavn i'm ready for that becasue at least i know god is overseeingmy recuperation.

    need to do a part 3 where i've exceeded the character limit.
     
  6. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    my father was talking to my therapist when i was in a coma for 3 weeks in a hospital and he was so concerned she said in his words andhe was very supportive. inever talked to her about my family situation which is horrible and dysfunctional. when i was in a hospital 20 years ago the psychiatrist wanted to do a family meeting and i said it would do no good. but i agreed and they came and each character played their appropriate parts that i lined out for the physciatrist telling him how each person would act. i couldn't have planned it moreperfectly if i treid. after the meeting he never asked to do that again and the subject was dropped becaue i know things and amnot astupid mentally ill person and i hate that people who do try suicide are looked at as mental; we're not we are in alot of pain and arebeing forced to live an existence of such agony it's not funny. i'mnot mentally ill i'm just mentally tired of all the bullshit and of the pain that people cause me. so my father was this so very concerned parent and they even thought i might be bipolar and i'm not i've never been overly joyous but i have been down in the dumps and cruicified mostofmy life. the psychic imentioned before has documented like 44 life themes and well she told me mind. the first half was "persecuted" and man that is so on target and when one is persecuted how long are they supposed to hang on when they have honestly done their best. i've been nailed to the cross so many times. i've tried to be a good person and when i was in the hospital i ran into so many people that were true earth angels--one little boy said what's wrong with that lady when i was on a stretcher in the hallway waiting for a test to be run and he could only see half of my face. his mom said i don't know and he replied i think she's going to get better so i said it must be god's way of saying things will finally get better but they didnt' i only continued to struggle and i know my ex showed up for guilt reasons and he even had a dream where he asked would i make a good wife and instead of a yes he got a "yes you know i would" and that was god telling him to hold onto me. so i think if i survive which i cna't becasue others might throw in the towel and avoid me as mentally ill and not wanting to have dumdumgurl pulling these acts at any time. i have the perfect opportunity to be left alone and not be discovered in time ijust have tomakesure the pills stay in my stomach and idon't vomit then i have enough days even if the pills don't have me expire in 24-48 hours that the dehyrdration will kick in becasue i have so many days alone and people aren't as watching as they normally are--hopefully no one made keys and well there are things going on where i wouldn't be contacted and i hope there is no need to connect before it's timefor surgery but i won't be alive for that. i have an alibi that should be airtight and no one will be looking to contact me. btw.... the counselor had seen that my father was exagerrating and that once he had mein his house he was smoothering and controling and not at all what he was professing to be when he was on the phone initially with my counselor; he got to show his true self and the counselor said that if he didnt' work on his self he'd be a very miserable person and he never will becasuse he doesn't and won't do counseling he's too good for that i think he thinks. he just sent mehow oxycontin can be addictive and that the makers were paying out billions in a settlement. i'm not on oxy and if i told him i killed myself because of his badgering he would deny it because he's n ot responsible for anything and after one suicide attempt over 20 years ago he said "you didn't try this because of your family." i'm telling himi did and he was saying no it can't be well if i don't know why i've done sometihngi'msure glad someone else can help point me out with why.

    again posting to this forum has helped me in my decision. there's no support here either. that's okay i just decided to post things so others would understand should they choose to. other's will think i'm a selfish bitch but i'm not i was told by a fellow psych patient who was drawn to me and she said "you are a good person" well this good person wants much needed relief and i will do what i have to do and pray and meditate and try and be calm so that i can allow the meds to do their job. i hope i can be a dana plato and just expire. and yes there is a painless way to go i almost succeeded 2 years ago and i'm pissed that i didnt' and then to have a car accident so badly that i should have diednot by my own intentional hands but by an accident and i didn't. i woke up severly depressed and they tried cymbalta and i had a reaction to it and they wre like you shojuldn't have that so soon and well duh idiots i know my body and it's the cymbalta that has me so sick here. i've tried many antidepressants and counselors and none have worked. i feel badly for my latest counselor who i haven't seen in 6 months and she even came to the hospital when i had the car accident. she says i always comeinto the roomwith lots of angels surroundign me and so i hope the angels will let me go and i knowthat' snottheir job so i'll see about giving them the timeframe off and hopefully i'll be alone and they won't surround me like she said they were in the hospital room; she said she heard heavenly comfort as she came closer to the room and she said a single teardrop came from my eyes. so i have to try and remain calm and tell myself that god will eventually make it to my hospital roomin heaven and instead of comingdown on me he will help me in whatever i have to do to be a good spirit and if it means one morelifetime and having that lifetime will be my last beasue it will make amends for this life. the psychic said if you kill yourself you have to come right back but i think you heal before you come back to give yourself some time. and well maybe after completing a super heavy life duty this time iwill be given sometools to cope and make it through the lifetime. i've been told alot of things about me and some of them are ture and no onewould understand that unless they were very openminded and not saying she's bonkers she is making all this up. but i'mnot it's the truth and well maybe i can get out of another lifetimebecause of it and go back to where i came from. iwish i was stronger but i'mso scared and i hve the opportunity to do it right this time and hopefully nothing will interfer god i hope not i really want this to work and it can be done relatively harmlessand painfree as it did last time.....once i went into a permanent coma and was "out of it" there was no pain and like i said they said the only thing that my body was working was my brain stem. i was lucky there was no brain damage as was the car accident that i woke up thinking i'm brain damaged i dont' want to live but i wasn't. so god performed miracles but i dont' want him to anymorei want him to allow it to be my time and i'm guessing it is. part ofme right now says wait and seewhat happens and that's becasue i just took some pain meds and am feeling relaxed and i'm hoping that isnt' the case when i take the initial relaxing pain meds before taking on a bunch load of the rest of it. i do have to makealist and makesure i get rid of all prescriptions and dump the garbage just to clear up some evidence. i was told the med i take isn't traceable unless they are specifically looking for it and i knowthe med i take to not makeme vomit (thank god for this wonderful person who gave it to me don't think he knows how it will help me) shows up like a benzo fromthe last time becasue they kept saying it was ativan and yes i was taking it but i had stopped and well the vomit medicine will have them thinking something else and i had been ordering meds and my father saw the credit card receipts and pulverized meinthe hospital and well i came clean and then he jsut insinuated stuff and bringing it up when he said it was histry and werewe friends. he said hewouldlnt' bering me to the ER for my fixes anymore.do you know howmany times ineeded to go to the ER for pain anddidn't i think i wentmaybe 4 times in the year; that's hardly a drug addict! my doctors know i don't have an addiction problem but my father is constipated when it comes to this and he keeps hammering it over my head.i don't like themanat all and yet i'm afraid of himdying and leaving me. that's another thing where i have no kids and only 2 family members i'malone if they die and i don't wnt to be alone even if it's just having two dysfunctional family members alive. my sister said one timeafteran attempt i wish you would just get it over with. really sweet huh?

    okay i think that's enough for today. thanks for the support it really has been helpful and i appreciate it.
    ddg
     
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