It's Time To Go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _nick_, Dec 2, 2014.

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  1. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    Hello. I'm 23 years old and I am male. I'm not going to go just yet. I think in a week or two. I'm just getting some things of my chest and sharing how I feel inside.

    My whole life I've felt the same. Empty, not understanding what the big fuss about life is, and always feeling down. I had always had this feeling and a type of "whats the point in life" mentality. I got on with it all though. Got through school, did a further two years at college, and then had my fair few number of jobs. Nothing ever changed really up until I was 20. I met someone. She was kind, really the nicest person, gorgeous girl, and she was actually into me.

    Two lovely years passed with this girl. But things didn't change with how I felt... I always looked at it as a kind of distraction from how I really feel. It was a 2 year blanket over my feelings. I kind of just got on with life because I was more comfortable with this girl. But something kept occurring in the relationship. I kept questioning myself; is this it? Have I found my bit of happiness? You see people worried that they are struggling to find anyone, someone to settle down with and start a life and family with. Is this it? I went from 0 to this and.. is this it?

    I'm not taking anything away from this girl. She is amazing and deserves a man who is better than me and wants to live life to the full with her. The reason we broke up in the end was because, surprise surprise, she finished me. The way I look at it is that she extended my life for 2 years, because if it wasn't for her, I would definitely not be here today. I had these feelings long before I met this girl. That is how I look at it. She raised my feelings to a normal being. But, unfortunately, they took a downfall back to normal after we were finished. And I'm back down in that horrible feeling once again. We meet again friend.

    Was I dependant on her? I don't think so. Like I said I was comfortable with her, and it was more of a distraction from how I really felt.
    Should I try find someone else? Why should I? So I can fool myself again and then sink when we finally break it off? Should I let myself fool someone into thinking I'm worthing being with?
    Why now, why not wait for a couple of years? Right now I have no commitments, and I feel ready. I'd rather take the chance now than be damning myself years down the line when I've got children relying on me.


    I've written this at half 6am my time and haven't had sleep for almost 24 hours. I think I've included everything but if not I will add into the comments section. Please feel free to ask me any questions or post anything at all. :)
    Thank you for taking the time to read this.
     
  2. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are feeling low.

    I remember deciding to commit suicide at your age, since then I have had many challenges in life but I am so glad I stayed and lived my life, for I have a wonderful son, very happy career and though I've never really got the hang of relationships I cope better on my own.
    I think it was Winston Churchill referred to depression as his 'black dog' companion...it does come back.
    I have done better since I lived in a tropical climate, I don't get the long winter depressions any more.

    Sending you a great big virtual hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Just wanted to give you a hug! :hug: You seem like a really nice person, don't let anyone pull you down, if you ever need to talk just message me :)
     
  4. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    Thank you. :)


    Thanks Petal.


    Big hugs back to both of you. Could I just ask if you think I should possibly try and be like this with someone again? It's a tricky one as I don't want to act as if I'm USING someone just for my own selfish reasons..
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Be yourself If You act any other way it won't last because that's not the real you(I've been through it) so just be yourself Nick. :hug:
     
  6. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Breaking up is always hard and it can leave you with a feeling of 'Well, I'm not going through that again'. You're still so young with many possibilities ahead. As Petal says, be yourself. Maybe, nice as your girlfriend was (and still is by the sound of it) she didn't tick all your hidden boxes. That's not anybody's fault but just a matter of compatibility.

    This sentence had me scratching my head:- 'Why now, why not wait for a couple of years? Right now I have no commitments, and I feel ready. I'd rather take the chance now than be damning myself years down the line when I've got children relying on me.'

    Isn't that rather like saying 'I'd rather do myself in whilst I'm unhappy rather than happy'?.

    And speaking of chances, I think you should give yourself another chance or two. I did.
     
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I made a similar mistake. I used my ex as a crutch. I placed all my self worth into a woman and I collapsed when she left..... She isn't worth your life though. There is more to your life than her. Remember she lost something too.
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    As someone with Borderline Personality, I've been in and out of many relationships. In fact, I've never really not been in a relationship since I was 15 except for maybe a few months (2-3) at most. The time it took to find one, basically. And they were all long-term, for that matter. First one lasted 2 and a half years and ended on a very bad note and I said to myself I was never getting into a relationship again. Several months later, I got into another one. This one lasted 8 months and unlike the last one which was kind of mutual, he left me. Since no one had ever left me before, I decided I definitely wasn't getting into another relationship again now. Needless to say, several months later, I did it again and it lasted for another 2 years. This time I didn't even really have time to make the decision of not getting into another relationship because a week after we broke up I was already in another one. Another couple years later, I left him. Which brings me to now. So far, my husband and I have been together for 2 and a half years and luckily it doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon this time. So, my point is, you say now that you won't get into another relationship, but you will. Probably numerous times. And just because it didn't work once (or 4 times, in my case), doesn't mean it won't ever work.
     
  9. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    I think I'm going to do it now guys. My close family are out of town til Friday so I'm going to leave a note saying I left for Thailand earlier than expected and they won't see me for awhile. (I had already told them I was planning on going in a few weeks for a 6month stay with a friend)

    Thanks to everyone who has helped and kept me company in the last 24 hours. It was a pleasure meeting everyone on the chat last night as well, Arrow, Donna, Petal, west, and two others but I can't recall their usernames.

    Well this is it.
     
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What's the harm in calling a crisis hotline or emergency number and ask for help?
     
  11. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    As I was preparing to leave I've had a knock on the door. Uncle and my little cousin. Had to scramble to hide my gear away. Unbelievable timing. Asked if I can give them a hand with clearing the garage out so I'm going to walk around now. Why can't I just fucking be gone of this shit.
     
  12. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Because you don't want to be. Like most of us, you don't really want to die, you just don't want to be in pain anymore. You want to be happy again. And death isn't happiness, it's nothingness. So isn't it a bit of a rash (not to mention permanent) decision to assume that nothing in the entire world could possibly ever make you happy again and the only answer is to settle for killing yourself? You don't have to settle for nothingness. I'm sure if you hold out, you'll be able to find what you truly want someday...happiness. It takes effort, you're not going to find it by doing nothing of course, but it is possible. For everyone, I'm sure.
     
  13. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    Part of the problem with me is that I was really lucky to find this girl... she was my first proper relationship. I don't think I'd be able to find anyone else who likes me. And I don't want to, I want her back if any.
     
  14. bbbbb18

    bbbbb18 Member

    I believe the knock was a very good sign. Nick, I hope you revoked your decision and made a re-evaluation. You seem to be a great, honorable guy. I hope you hold-out a little while longer and get some help. We enjoy your company here... Hope to hear back from you soon.. :)
     
  15. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    ' Could I just ask if you think I should possibly try and be like this with someone again? It's a tricky one as I don't want to act as if I'm USING someone just for my own selfish reasons.. '

    I think there are times in life when it's sensible to steer clear of most relationships, if only to have a chance of prioritizing self-care and recovery.
    I had a pattern of sabotaging my close relationships and one day I realized- it was deliberate, I didn't actually want to feel responsible for anyone else or their wellbeing or happiness for a while. I also stopped doing a lot of the charitable stuff I had been doing, and which was making me miserable!

    I don't think it is selfish to take a break for a while and take care of oneself.

    When I've chatted with you in chatroom you seem perfectly lovely- so as Petal says, just be yourself.
     
  16. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    Would you say you coped better in relationships? I think I was so much better off because I constantly thought about her.. like all the time. So my mind was never really thinking of anything else such as the meaning of line.

    The odd time I questioned if this was what life was about.. I wasn't playing it down, I was just shocked that I had actually found someone who had said they want to settle down with me.
     
  17. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    I understand but with my experience of being single and not being single is evidence for me that for my own safety I'm better of being with someone? If you understand me?

    Until I was 19 I was never in a serious relationship and I constantly questioned life. Then I had them 2 years of love and actually felt something... and now I'm back to route 1 and feel like I'm ready to go again.
     
  18. mskazza

    mskazza New Member

    Hi _nick_ I was so relieved to hit page 2 and see you had been interrupted by your uncle. I don't know you, you don't know me but you matter. Please seek help. You're just a kid, your whole life ahead of you. I was in your shoes when I was your age, there seems no point, no future and no desire for there to be a future either but that's not the case. You have to stick around to see what good times lie ahead for you. I used to want to die so badly, tried it a few times and now I fear dying so much, I actually want to live to be 100. Please don't leave, the empty feeling you have can be filled, but only if you stay. Be strong.
     
  19. _nick_

    _nick_ Active Member

    The empty feeling was filled for a bit. It's empty again now though. And it hurts.
     
  20. mismad

    mismad Active Member

    Hi mskazza, i think its hard to stick around to see good times lie ahead when my mind saying it was dark and hopeless about what future lie ahead. Do u think so?
     
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