It's time to leave.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pleaseletmego, Dec 31, 2010.

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  1. Pleaseletmego

    Pleaseletmego Member

    Hello. I'm new here. I've refrained from joining up to this forum for so long now but I can't cope anymore. For years I've wanted to die - it appears only the fear of afterlife keeps me from doing so. My first real love left me a few days ago and I can promise I don't plan to end my life because of him doing so. It is for a multitude of reasons that I have decided I cannot live anymore. I don't really know why I'm here, no one cares anyway. I suppose I just needed someone to tell. I've thought long and hard about how I'm going to do this and now I know. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, it is.


    xxx
     
  2. MikeAllen1973

    MikeAllen1973 Member

    If you are in the UK please call me i want to talk to you. I will PM my number seriously ring me now
     
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Life is a big place, and there are always so many more choices than it seems at first glance. If you want to talk, I am here.
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hello hun and welcome to SF.
    Can you tell us more of why you feel this way? Have a good rant, its New Years Eve, you deserve to get it all out of your system.
    Tell us all about yourself and let us help
    Sending hugs
    xxxx
     
  5. Pleaseletmego

    Pleaseletmego Member

    I don't know where to start.

    I go through bouts of contrasting emotions for unstructured periods, e.g. from a few days to what I would recognise as a month. It seems as though I am two different people, one day I will be happy, over the moon infact. I am able to express my happiness through the medium of art, I laugh a lot and I feel indestructable. I tend to think illogically in regards to winning money, who I could be one day and what to do at that very moment in time. I've tried to figure if there is a mental trigger that turns me into the negative person. When I'm negative, I'm very negative. I self-loathe to the extent that I will starve myself and continue with a cycle of excessive binge eating and making myself sick; I recently also attempted to over-use laxatives in a battle to 'normalise' my eating habits but still feel good about myself. I cry a lot, sometimes endlessly and I struggle to think straight, I forget a lot and my concentration levels drop through the floor.

    As a child I was bullied for my hideous face and the hips I so unluckily possess. Around 3 years ago I fell subject to an undiagnosed eating disorder that I would consider to be EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). Through EDNOS I began to self harm through methods of cutting and burning my skin, which, although not as often as it used to be, I still harm. I fell into a long distance relationship and for two years I travelled around 400 miles a weekend to see this man. In October last year I argued with my parents and I ran away to his - quitting college and starting a new life completely. For the entirety of the relationship he physically abused me and made me feel worthless and alone. I fell pregnant in December and I was forced to move out of the house and back to my parents where I subsequently decided to have an abortion. Please, do not judge my decisision - the pain I feel daily is enough to batter my persona. We decided to split and I quite quickly fell into a relationship with another man. It is regrettable to admit that 2 days ago his parents told me he was in the middle of a mental breakdown and that I was ruining his life. I am being ignored at this moment in time and all I can focus on is what it is that may trigger how I feel inside. College-less I found a small part time job at a public house and I swiftly lost that through a misunderstanding between myself and my boss. I returned to college in September where I study a Health Care Course and I am expected incredibly high grades although it is without a doubt that these are unobtainable as I fail to meet deadlines adequately; I achieve only passes, not merits or distinctions and I cry alone at night because I feel the weight on my shoulders is far too much.

    My family and I argue a lot in my opinion. There is constantly a horrible atmosphere in our house and I feel almost like a recluse a lot of the time. The relationship between my mother and I is tempremental and although I know she loves me it is rare that I feel comfortable or at peace with her. I feel I cannot talk to her about how I feel inside as I have attempted to do so before - her normal response would be something along the lines of: "You're just being silly", "How will you cope when you go through a real life problem?" Or "You're not depressed you're just sad and you won't feel this way forever." It is undoubtably crushing to struggle in opening up to her. I've recently asked her to take me to the doctors since it is a distance away that is both unwalkable or cycleable. She has agreed to make me a routine appointment however I cannot stress how scared I am that I might walk away with a doctors note explaining that I suffer with depression or a manic disorder such as Bipolar. I feel she will not understand or deny that I am mentally ill.

    It is rare that I feel socially accepted and I very often feel as though I am 'different' - perhaps more mature than the majority of my college peers or other general friends. Feeling as such has lead to me losing an awful lot of potential friends and I isolate myself and I tend to make 'enemies' far too easy for my liking. It would appear that the only people I can converse with are my tutors and / or other adults. I attempt to talk to people however it is normal for them to turn their nose up and refrain from talking to myself again. I am a member of a forum whereby the only other members are men - for 3 years now I have felt accepted by only them as we have one mutual interest.

    I am jobless and therefore moneyless. I find there is too much pressure on myself to cope financially and I feel regretting and guilty that I am unable to contribute towards general living costs. I've had a couple of interviews and yet no one will employ me, resulting in me feeling worthless and pathetic.

    I'm so sorry for wasting your time. xxx
     
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're not wasting my time hun. I'm really pleased to have the chance to 'talk' with you. I think that you've come a long way on your own and your personal insight is exceptional. Now we just have to unravel it all and put it into perspective.
    Firstly, no one here is going to judge you for anything and I'd like you to rest easy on that score. I can understand why you had to have an abortion and I applaud your bravery in making that choice. I know that wasn't an easy thing to do. You are bound to be feeling the after effects of that choice and going through the normal grieving process on top of everything else.
    I'm not a doctor but everything you've described in the beginning of your post suggests that you have BiPolar Disorder. I have Bi Polar disorder too and I do a lot of the things you've said. Over the years I've learnt many coping skills and I'll be more than happy to share these with you if you want me too.
    First though you're going to have to go to the Doctor, tell him everything honestly and get both the diagnosis and the meds. Its not wonderful but it is what it is. We have to have meds.
    The other problem that you have is your mother. She doesn't understand mental health and she's clearly has issues about it too. There's nothing that you can do about that and you might as well stop trying. Right now you concentrate on getting you well and if that means hiding in your room to escape the toxic atmosphere then you make your room into the best sanctuary you can and you wait it out. When you're starting to be stronger and more in control, you'll be able to look at the wider issues in your family.
    In the meantime, stay strong or at least try to. There's nothing in your post which worries me. You can learn to deal with all these issues and you can learn to have a better quality of life. Its going to take some work but you're more than up to it and we're all here to help.
    I'll be back online in the morning and I'll send you a pm to see how you are. Sending hugs xxxx
     
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