It's time to let it out...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Surviving, Mar 20, 2008.

  1. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    I feel like such a waste sometimes. No suicidal thoughts, at least not in a long, long time. But the older I get the more reflect back, and the more I reflect back the more down I feel. My own fucking parents ended their lives while mine was really just starting to take off. GOD I FUCKING HATE THEM FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    To have to go through high school with people looking at you funny knowing your old man off'ed himself. Careful - don't make a suicide joke - he might flip out. Jeezuz christ, I am just a person, with feelings, obviously they had none.

    I have kids, a wife, a good job...but I can't outrun my past no matter how bad I want to. I cant sleep at night, get maybe 2 or 3 hours sleep most nights. Then it all catches up and I sleep all day and feel 10 times worse.

    I am going back to school to further my education and hopefully go further in my job - but I am ready to quit. It all seems so pointless...

    I really want to run away and hide, but what does it accomplish? I really don't talk to my family beacause all they want still want to do is talk about old times, try to figure out why, look at old pic's..... I WANT NO PART OF IT! I want no part of any thing but that is no good for my family. My kids need a strong me, my wife needs some one to lean one - some one strong for her as her family has problems too.

    So, I hang on. Angry, mad, quiet... I keep on going on, still looking for what will really make me happy.

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you were able to verbalize the way you feel. Losing one parent to suicide is hard enough, but it is almost unthikable to lose both the way you did. I know you do not want this fate for your family. It is admirable for you to try to be strong for your wife and kids, but please remember to care for your needs too. :hug:
  3. Surviving

    Frustration, desolation;
    Things ‘swept under rug’
    are no consolation
    The irony strikes me
    eroding my patience
    For the longer I live
    the more there’s to grieve,
    though my moving on
    was in what I believed
    I could not prevent
    those who fell before me
    I stood strong in their wake
    and prayed for restoring
    the things that I lost in me
    which I could not replace
    So, my steps have moved forward,
    and not without grace
    Yet the longer I live,
    it’s still the past I must face…

  4. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    Gentle, thank you for your reply. I try to get 'lost' in my wife and kids as it helps me to feel like I escaped for a bit. It's funny, I felt at one point in my life that I had completely moved past the hatred, the anger, the void I feel. But as I get older it comes back in bits and pieces. I feel like I missed so much of my life because of what they did...and now I feel like my kids are missing parts of their lives too as they don't have that other set of grandparents. It's kind of selfish, but god dammit - its the way life is supposed to go.

    Found, I don't really know what to say - that was awesome.
    I think you say it better than I can...I know you hit my feelings exactly. Thank you again :smile:
  5. Heck no Hon! All I did was make it ryhme...your feelings were very clear.

    And I can't see how someone who has endured what you have would not conceivably be struggling. As much as you're trying to face what you are looking back on, lots of folks would not even address it at all, in any capacity. In the long run, with time, what you impart on your kids may in fact grant them a singular brand of wisdom & a deeper insight into some things that many others would never otherwise be able to gleen...

  6. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    That which does not kill us is supposed to make us stronger. So, in theory, I should be what - Superman? :blink:

    Once I got in to my twenties I think I tried not to address it. I thought if I ignored it that it would go away. I was numb for so long...

    My wife and i would get in to fights over nothing at all, all driven by me. I would say things that were so hurtful to her and I just couldn't help it. I had so much anger inside I was numb to how I felt and it made me cold-hearted.

    Now I feel like I can't run fast enough to get away from it. I still don't want to face it. I haven't told my wife all the struggles I am having - I don't want to freak her out. Thank you so much for listening...

    How much does a therapist get nowadays...I feel like I should pay you for listening to that jibber jabber :biggrin:
  7. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Only vun... But za lightbulp hes to vant to change!

    G'nite (go have your story - see the Procrastination thread)