It's Too Much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 54dcb, Apr 22, 2014.

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  1. 54dcb

    54dcb New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I hope that writing this will be somewhat therapeutic for me as the last few weeks have been the worst of my life and I fear the worst is still yet to come.

    Several weeks ago an incident occurred (I'd prefer not to rehash the details again) which has caused me to fear going outside and having any human interaction whatsoever. I have a supportive wife, but she is contemplating leaving me before our first child is born in 6 months. I can't talk to my parents anymore because each time I do, the incident just gets brought up again and I end up getting angrier and angrier. After this hell I have been put through, all I want to do is stay in my home forever and not see anyone ever again. I know it's not a way to live a life and that's exactly why I've been contemplating suicide for weeks now.

    The only times I've been outside recently are to go to the grocery store at weird hours like 2AM when nobody is there, and on the drive home I've thought about driving into traffic or driving off the bridge. My wife says that it's selfish of me to think that ending my life is the answer, and that it wouldn't be fair to her or our child. I agree with her about that but at the same time, what kind of life would it be for them if I am just constantly depressed all the time? I truly believe everyone would be better off without me. It may be selfish, but it's probably the right thing to do at this point as they have been put through enough already. Short-term it would be hard but in the long run it would be best.

    I live in a small city where a fair # of people know me and probably know about the situation I'm in, so I have already made the decision that the only scenario where I can survive is if I move somewhere where I'm completely anonymous. I want to do this desperately but that would mean giving up the two things in my life that has kept me from committing suicide so far - my wife and child. If I stay though, then I'm just going to continue to be miserable and probably have them end up leaving me anyways. It's an impossible decision.

    That's it...I'm not sure if anyone has gone through something like this before but each day just seems to be getting worse and worse and worse - not better, like some have told me it would be. I can't imagine things getting any worse than they already are but I've been wrong on that so far, so why not again.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your sadness is so great you want to leave You family needs you your child will need you and no one will be better off if you suicide they just won't hun
    You reach out to your doctor and get the care and support you need to get you stronger again ok do all you can do to get the depression to leave not you
  3. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    a lot of people with depression are riddled with guilt of being a burden, you need support right now and it would not be wise to cut off relationships, you will need them later in life. I was once like you thinking about driving into traffic, things got better soon I was a positive influence for others. things can change, you wont always be depressed.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Have you considered seeking some therapy? It sounds like it could be beneficial to you. Your wife and child would never be better off if you took your own life... not short-term OR long-term. I know sometimes depression can take over and make this more difficult to see, but your child will always need you; nothing will change that.
  5. Milhouse

    Milhouse Member

    Is there any more info on this situation you speak of? I know you said you'd rather not elaborate on it any further... But maybe it's not as bad as you think it is?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2014
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