This may be a long winded initial post. I'm a 30 year old, successful woman. I have suffered for 15 years. I've tried many medications to no avail. I've recently started trying them all again. I don't want to die, really. But the thoughts, oh the thoughts. They used to only come at night, no more prevalent and invasive. When asked if I have a plan I'm unsure how to answer. Have I thought if the ways I would do it? yes. Do I have a date and time picked out? no. It's like I'm waiting for a catalyst, that one event that pushes me over the edge. My new doc is like I said trying all the meds again. Celexa right now. He also wants me to do talk therapy, I'm willing but there is a wait list, I have no idea how long until I can talk to someone. Sometimes I feel like. Should just go to the hospital and Check myself in. I want help but I can't just leave my work, and pets for and undetermined amount of time. And what. An they even do? I have friends, they all have more pressing issues to deal with. My relationship with family never has been or will be the type where we can talk about this. Frankly I don't want them to know either. Depression runs in my family. During my last depression check list I scored 68/100sever depression. I'm really frustrated because it's a waiting game for months with each new drug. Just hoping to feel some enjoyment in life. Hoping when hope is bleak. I wish there were some relatively immediate even short term solution that would provide enough relief from feeling down to give me hope to keep going.