It's too much

I've always been the "strong" person of my group of friends, but god I wish they could see the weakness in my heart. My decision has already been made that I won't breath for another year, but I'm still praying for these feelings to go away. I can't control them, and thats what makes it ten times more scary. Its gotten to the point where my head is driving me crazy.. I'm not hearing voices or anything, but I'm so dark that I feel like I deserve to die. I'm so angry at my entire family, and all of my friends. Everybody has their own problems, and there isn't time to listen to mine. If I can get somebody to listen for a split second I don't get far enough before they're gone. I've been hiding my suicidal feelings and depression for 3 years, and nobody as a clue. I know that if I share then everybody will disappear completely. I thought I'd grow out of this, but all that it's done is build. My cuts have turned into scars that'll never go away, and I'll always remember this. I can't live with it anymore. The world is too much for me to take, its totally opposite of what it should be. I'm tired of hearing everybodies problems, but nobody can listen to mine. its my turn to be selfish.

 

I relate to you so well right now. It's how I feel, it seems to be where I'm going, too.
I'd like to fight it, but it's just starting to feel impossible. I think I'd be better off just doing what I want.
I have tried to fight suicide for over ten years, and it just builds momentum inside me, it feels like a force that I don't have the energy to contend with anymore.

Sounds like you're just as caged in your expression as me, it seems to have a lot to do with why I am as low as I am. I don't honestly know how much it really helps to talk here, but it has to count for something, right? You can always talk to me. Feel free to PM if you want.

 

I also can relate to your problems, i have been putting on a strong front for years now and everyone thinks problems just roll off me. So they bring all their woes to me. Inside i am breaking because no one wants to listen to me. I find it hard to talk to people i consider the closest incase i am ridiculed. I have now started to avoid people because i can't deal with them and even small stresses seem magnified. I just want to run away from my problems but i know i can't. Everyday life just seems to chip away at me.

I need a solution fast but your post has given me some strength knowing i'm not alone feeling like this. Thank you.