It's Unbearable

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AloneButNot, Nov 12, 2010.

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  1. AloneButNot

    AloneButNot Member

    My life is so unbearable, and I just don't know what to do. I have no friends and no family who care about me. I'm in a horrible relationship with someone who is mentally ill. We have 5 children, and I try to hard to fight to stay alive for them, but sometimes I just don't know how I can go on.

    My relationship started in 1998. I had 2 children from a previous relationship. Everything was fine for a little while. He moved in and we were so happy. Then he started to be verbally abusive to my children and then to me. We ended up having 3 children together, then he told me he wanted to be a woman.

    Now he is she, and I am still miserable. Now I am forced into a lesbian relationship with someone who verbally abuses me and my two children from a previous relationship. I cheated with an ex (internet relationship, nothing physical) 5 years ago for about a month and now she uses it as an excuse to treat me any way she wants. She is severely depressed, borderline psychotic, with a ton of anger and bitterness. I constantly have to deal with emotional outbursts and cussing and other stuff, and whenever I try to leave she threatens to commit suicide.

    I don't know what to do. I don't see any way to get out of this but to just kill myself. The only trouble is, she hasn't worked in 10 years, won't do what it takes to get disability, and has no way to support anyone. I have the burden of supporting 7 people by myself, and we've lived in a hotel room for 4 years because I got evicted and I cannot save up to get out of here because it takes EVERYTHING I can make to pay this damned hotel! We barely have enough money for food.

    We also have no car. That means 7 people are in a single room 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no break. We have to take taxis to the store or order pizza, which we really can't afford. We can't get mental health help because of the lack of a car, and I can't save to get one when we already hang on by a tiny thread financially. Right now we are almost a week behind paying hotel, and I don't know how to catch up.

    I've been working selling premade websites for years, but the bottom has fallen out of the market in this economy, and I make half what I used to (or less). I can't get a job because I can't trust my partner to be alone with the kids, and I have no car.

    I just want to die. I don't know what other choice I have. I can't get away from this psycho because whenever I try she lays on the guilt about her abusive mother and the fact that she never had a friend when she was a child, and she has the torment of being transgender, and I cheated, and blah blah blah. I can't take it anymore! She says she wants to die, but she makes ME want to die!!

    I just can't take this anymore.
  2. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    :( Nearly the saddest thing i have ever read on here. :(
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    It's no wonder you feel like life is unbearable....
    your partner is abusive and manipulative and knows how to push your buttons...
    You should get out of there now....find out about refuges for women , talk to a charity or if you're up to it go to the police,get a restraining order and get him out of your life...

    I understand you feel helpless but there are need to find the strength to stay alive and fight your way out of his/her clutches...

    many years ago I was in a bad marriage and I was either going out in a box or leaving I understand some of how you must be feeling
    i chose to leave ...

    please don't buy into that guilt thing he/she's laying on you...that is not your fault or your responsibility..
    you have to look after yourself and your children first and whatever he/she does is his choice.
    You deserve a better life ..and a medal for putting up with all you've been through with your partner
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Is there a women's refuge you can contact? They will be able to help you and your children make a fresh start
    You need to end this relationship now. I'm sorry to sound harsh but its the only thing you can do. You cannot allow this individual to continue to abuse you and your children. You can't let your children down by leaving them to it.
    I don't care how depressed your partner is. Mental health problems are not an excuse to abuse others. The other side to that of course is that whilst you stay, you're enabling the behaviour. Sometimes people don't get better until everyone walks away.
    Contact a women's shelter and get help. You need to ensure your safety and the safety of your children above all else and that has to be your priority.
    Sending lots of hugs, x
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    shelter might be good

    here is some info if you are in the states

    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    24 hour hotline phone: 800.799.SAFE (800.799.7233)
    who they help: victims, survivors, family, parents, friends, offenders, community leaders. A resource to anyone who may have concerns about relationship being unhealthy or abusive, and it does not matter whether they are dating or married, living together or not.

    also if you are in the states, I think there is something called "section 8" housing benefits, but I don't know about eligibility. also food stamps

    the NDVH might be able to help you with this.

    hope this helps!
  6. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

  7. AloneButNot

    AloneButNot Member

    Things are looking up for me slightly. I am still really miserable, but I have a little hope right now. I just wanted to come back and say I'm still hanging on, and thank you all for your suggestions. :)
  8. AloneButNot

    AloneButNot Member

    It's so hard not to feel that guilt, though. When you care about someone, you do feel a lot of responsibility for them and for their well-being. I cannot imagine the guilt I would feel if I did leave and she killed herself. I can't imagine being able to handle that and still support my children. I'm on my own. I have no one to help.

    My partner is a good person overall, she's just extremely mentally unstable. She is not physically abusive, which is great. But the arguing and the yelling is really difficult to deal with.

    I just wish we could get therapy, but without a car we cannot even get to a free mental health clinic.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Is there anyway that you could lease a car for a while?
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