I'm not sure I have any other words. The urge is really very strong. I feel so sad. I can't imagine that I will ever stop being so sad, in this situation. I should change it. I have the means and I've done it before. But I don't think I can. I don't have the energy to start again, again. I know it's the easy way out. I know it's the cowards' escape. I hate myself for it. But I don't want to live with this sadness.