Its very very dark

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by StormVII, Feb 27, 2015.

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  1. StormVII

    StormVII New Member

    Hi.
    I'm 38 & this struggle has gone on long enough for me. I've suffered mentally since I was young. The list of reasons why I've almost given up is so long that I wouldn't know where to begin. I guess if I'm on this site typing my guts out then I still believe there's a glimmer of hope that life will improve. Having said that, my whole life I've been believing that the glimmer of hope would come but still it's just out of reach.
    To be frank, I don't even know what it is that will actually make me happy. I've been on a crusade for decades, trying anything & everything that might bring me some relief from the torment that my emotions can create. I've kept my family close, I've pushed my family away. Neither of those resulted in happiness. I've loved some great people & been loved by some really great people but it still doesn't bring a sense of peace over me. My loves are my two dogs. One a border collie x (psychopath!) & the other a kelpie lab x (total sponge that exists only to soak up everybodys love). The emotions involving these two adorable brats are conflicting. On the one hand I would literally die for them & would do anything to protect them. The mere thought of anyone causing harm to them makes my blood boil. And then here I am - their one saviour & protector - ready to leave them in a life of uncertainty & heartache because I don't want to be a part of this world anymore. If it weren't for my two girls, I would have ended my life by now. I guess in a way it's fortunate that they're here, they're like my voice of reason, purely because I don't believe they could be loved by anyone as much as I do, therefor I still exist. I don't want them to live the rest of their days wondering why I left them, I don't want them with someone that they don't know or being treated any other way than they are treated now, so because of that I'm still here. I don't know how long I can stay strong for them though.
    I don't even know what I expect to gain by being on this site.
    I just know that it's been a damn big fight up until this point & if this is what life is going to be for the next 38 years then I don't want to experience it.
    I guess time will tell what the outcome will be, one way or another.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well iam glad you have your two dogs that give you love unconditionally Hope you continue to hold onto their love for them and for you
     
  3. StormVII

    StormVII New Member

    Thanks total eclipse. Your name sums things up in my world but I can only keep waking up each day & see what happens. Longgggggg, torturous days.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I understand that you continue to struggle everyday but remember life is important. You need to focus on the unconditional love of your two dogs. They help you through the tough times. That's.more han enough a reason to live for. You say relationship with family I'd hard but that's the case for everyone.

    Keep posting and be re-assured you are among friends here.
     
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