It's weird that I have sucidal feelings now.LOL

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Regenesis, Apr 14, 2009.

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  1. Regenesis

    Regenesis Well-Known Member

    As the title says,its weird that I want to kill myself now.I have made many people hate me,so probably most of those that will read this thread will now what I'm talking about,so I wont say the whole story again(those that don't know,well,bad luck).
    It seems that I don't have schizophrenia and I'm not biploar.It's something much simpler,and it has to do with my neck.Well,not exactly my neck,but something that is secreting some kind of enzime.I don't know how to explain it,cuz I didn't understood much about it.Anyway,I have to take some pils for 8 months,and then some other pils for another 6 months.I also have obsesive comportamental behaviour,for which I take other pils.That problem at my neck combined with OCB made me think the way I do,and also made me hear voices when I was litle.And it all got worse over the years.The doc said it could have been much worse if I waited a long time.
    Okay,so now that I have explained the outcome,back to the thread.I am saying that is weird that I want to kill myself because in the end everything turned out the way I wanted.What I wanted the most when I started the treatment,was to stop to hate women because that hate ruined me,but I didn't wanted to stop hating them completely,only so much that I won't care about them anymore(that way I will avoid ever falling inlove or wanting to have sex with them).And it hapened exactly the way I wanted.My other problems have disapeared also(well,not completely,but it's a lot better).Now I feel better,I can enjoy playing games or listening to music without those thoughts jumping in my head all the time.And other long term problems are turning in a good way.And,as expected,the thought that I will be alone all my life doesn't disturb me,so no problems here.
    A new BIG problem that appeared is that I am afraid I'll start to hate women again at the same extense as I did before,or that any of the other problems will appear.But still,overall is better.
    But now I am thinking why should I keep on fighting,when I can easily kill myself(especially that the pils I take now could kill me with no pain if I take an overdose).It's not like I have a huge problem that makes me wanna do this,but I think its a lot easier if I chease to exist.What if my hate for women will come again at a even stronger level,or what is someday in the future I will be tired of being alone and I will have all sort of problems then?Or who knows what other problems may appear.I think its so easy to die.Probably when I didn't wanted to kill myself was because my mind was blinded by hate.But now that I am a lot better,I can see thing diferently and a lot clearer.
    It's also the fact that for moments my hate for women or the other problems come again as strong feelings,and the they disapear.But they ruin my mood for the moment,and it also maked me more afraid that I'll pass on the other side again(the other side of thinking)
    (I may have lots of writing mistakes,but i don't feel like reading the text and corect them)
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