its weird losing someone to suicide. for a start i was having triggering images of it before and now, when i do have the images in my head its him hanging there, not me. when i'm not thinking of suicide i'm thinking of what pushed him to do it, no one will ever understand why he did it, not even him because of his condition. maybe i am just a kid being overwhelmed by 'mature' (?) feelings, maybe i don't want to die? i dont know, i want him to be here so he can explain it to me, explain how it felt the weeks running up to it, how it felt to stand on the scaffolding preparing it all, how it felt when...you know. i need to know. and if i do/did feel the way he did, does that give me more reason to end it all?