its weird

[JBird]

its weird losing someone to suicide. for a start i was having triggering images of it before and now, when i do have the images in my head its him hanging there, not me. when i'm not thinking of suicide i'm thinking of what pushed him to do it, no one will ever understand why he did it, not even him because of his condition.

maybe i am just a kid being overwhelmed by 'mature' (?) feelings, maybe i don't want to die? i dont know, i want him to be here so he can explain it to me, explain how it felt the weeks running up to it, how it felt to stand on the scaffolding preparing it all, how it felt when...you know. i need to know. and if i do/did feel the way he did, does that give me more reason to end it all?

 

[~PinkElephants~]

Beak,

It's not a matter of being a kid overwhelmed by mature feelings. What you are feeling is natural. You want to know why, how, etc. It's normal to want an explanation of sorts. Please dont dwell on the negatives hun and try to look at the positives of Nicky's life. Remember them for the times they were happy and not for the depression leading up to the event.

You know where to find me if you need to vent or just bullshit. :hug: luff yew

 

[Spearmint]

Juji, hun, you can call/text anytime you need too, or you can come find me on MSN and whatnot, stay safe. :hug:

 

[itmahanh]

Kanani's right, its normal feelings and pain hun. I'm just so sorry you have to experience them. Hun anytime you need to vent or need a friend pm me ok?

 

[JBird]

i feel guilty for putting people through what i've put them through, i feel guilty, along with everyone else, for not understanding what nicky was going through, for not seeing he was in pain and taking him for granted.

he wasn't just another immature boy who did crap things for the kicks because he was a 'macho man'. he was a desperate 19 year old. he was such a sensitive guy who, in his peers eyes, failed everything because he was thick, he wasn't thick at all, he was among some of the smartest people in the world but he didn't have proof, he didn't get GCSE's because he couldn't work things out the way the teachers were teaching.

He had the answer to every question you could ask but he thought he was wrong because he didn't understand the working out.

Nicky had so much to prove to so many people and he was just starting to do it. He had an awesome job with his older brother, he had a flat, loads of friends that understood him, he was really making his family and friends proud. I'm not saying he's let me down because i'll love him forever, more than anything, more than Chris because me and Nicky had a really special bond. Perhaps Nicky thought we expected more from him, perhaps we didn't do enough to tell him how far he'd come, how gorgeous he was and how much we all love him.

I'm scared for my best friend, her younger sister has the same condition, she's only 16 and she's already tried to kill herself a couple times. My friends a wreck, she's related to Nicky so in some way its a double blow. My friends convinced her sister will continue to harm herself over her asperges and end up like Nicky. The family are in turmoil and they are trying to hide what really happened to Nicky from my friends sister.

Nicky and my friends sister are so smart, they are so bright and beautiful, they deserve to feel like they can live! they deserve to live more than me. i'd give anything to swap places with them, they have more reason to be here than me.

 

[~PinkElephants~]

you have every reason to be here Beak, just like nicky. His life was cut tragically short because he felt misunderstood. Please know that I'm sure Nicky would not want you to have to go through what he did. When a person commits suicide they think it will end everyone's pain, what they don't realize is how much pain it does cost their friends and family. Beak I'm on msn if you need to talk ok. even if it's not happy crap. a person cant be happy all the time. Come find me k love.

kellz