It's worse at night.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Beelzabutt, Jun 12, 2015.

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  1. Beelzabutt

    Beelzabutt New Member

    I've been suicidal and fantasized about killing myself since I was a child. I don't know when it started, I just know there isn't a time I can remember when I didn't deal with extreme self-loathing and depression.

    The suicide part comes and goes in waves. Sometimes, for months, I'll be bright and glorious and "happy." and then suddenly my depression is triggered and I obsess over killing myself all over again. The most recent trigger was a hard break up with someone I am deeply in love with and had been making plans to spend the rest of my life with.

    Now let me make it clear, I am not suddenly suicidal because I can't deal with getting dumped. Like I said, this issue has been with me since childhood, but getting my heart broken lead to a flurry of negative emotions that had previously been hidden away in the bowels of my heart, and brought on a storm of suicidal thoughts and fantasies that I thought I had completely recovered from.

    Being rejected by someone that once talked about spending their life with me and starting a family made me feel unwanted, unloveable, and reminded me how worthless I feel deep down. It reminded me of my purposelessness, my ugliness, my talentlessness. I don't blame them for not loving me anymore, I can't figure out a reason to love me either. This makes me feel so lonely, and so very sad.

    And for the past several weeks, I've kept myself up until the early hours of the morning crying and sniffling and thinking about how nice it would be to die, and to not feel all these bad things anymore. During the day, I am distracted with work, things to do, people I need to meet, chores in the house, etc. But at night, I'm stuck here alone with all these thoughts, and its overwhelming and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted.

    I don't really have anyone to talk to either. It's incredibly lonely. I know I'm not alone, I just feel like it.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum
    i am really sorry you are deeply suffering, i understand the break up of the love of your life triggered it this time but when it will come again in waves is what you need to be worried about. I have a pro life stance and think that no one commits suicide for only 1 reason and that depression is treatable so i will encourage you to seek professional help and get a diagnosis and go further from there.

    Best of luck to you my fellow sufferer.
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