asphyxiation has been my own form of torture and release but after making it feel clean and it becoming sexually idolized/taught so much it does nothing for me to help with my emotions. I keep trying more and more and I have only done manual over the past decade so perhaps I need to branch out. I burned myself at the beginning of this year, ring on each wrist, during a very manic state I have no memory of. I burned myself yesterday by putting cigarrettes out on my hand near my wrists in a tri pattern.. I was aware but it was like watching it happen and now it's all I can do not to keep going as I have to make my arms just the same. the healing of the large burns was fine with me but overwhelmingly difficult with my work and the questions and unintentional joking and assumptions. my social anxiety causing me to do much more to cope. now I found this feels so good and then I realize I am hearing it again.. I have to know what to do from here? I'm due for hospital as soon as we find a program and I give advance notice at work. I accepted in patient after so many peoples pushing but I've been able to put it off for summer. every night I think it will happen tomorrow because im so suicidal but cant because i promised myself next march and im close to the edge in the wind. I need help. I never ask anyone of anything but understanding but I need help.