I've always had trouble

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by pit, Dec 25, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I've always been bullied and pushed around as a kid. And I've come up with reasons why.

    First of all, I'm an only child. My parents had a very poor sense of boundaries and self-pride. My dad never tought me self respect or how to stand up for myself, verbally as well as physically. He felt boys will be boys, and you should take any abuse like a man. After all, they're only kidding.

    So I felt the only way I could be included is to let myself be degraded. I should suck it in and not talk about it. As a result I would feel lonely and guilty whenever I tried to stand up for myself. If I did, I thought I wouldn't get any respect and be called a pussy, a guy who couldn't take it. I wasn't getting much support at home.

    I was a target and easy to pick on since I kept to myself and ignored people. It wasn't this way all the time. Occasionally I would lash out, get into fights, throw a punch here, an insult there. But ultimately I would rather turn a cold shoulder than play their game.

    I felt that if I reacted to abuse, the abuse would continue. So people would misinterpret my ignoring the abuse as tolerating it, when in fact, I felt that I shouldn't have to respond to such demeaning behavior.

    How people long for high school villains, heros, and underdogs. They wanted to hear some sharp comebacks from me. Well, they weren't getting any because I hated the whole one-upmanship game. Impress the ladies? Fuck those bitches. Win some friends? Not assholes like that. Be the man? Their definition of manhood was pathetic.

    Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm more aware of my passive tendencies. Although I'm not much for the spontaneous comeback, I plan my revenge in my own sweet time. When I look back at my youth, I do feel regret for not having respect for myself and fighting back more. But I had more battles going on at the time. I had severe asthma, and that was one battle that was taking up most of my time. So I had no time to be a showoff.

    I know I should forgive myself for my passivity, but ocassionally I lapse into it, and I hate it. It's just that I expect the best from people, and am constantly surprised when I get the worst. Therefore, I am a man with few friends who enjoys his time alone. But too much time alone can be painful.

    However, I'm glad I don't have a family. I have sworn that I will never become an abused husband, father, or provider. Going through the masochistic shit that makes people adults just ain't worth it.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.