I've been downed lately

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cmiles, Sep 16, 2014.

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  1. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    I'm not good at admitting things or being subjected to some labels. I will say how I feel though. Right now I have strong insomnia problems. I get something like 8 hours of sleep a week. I happen to be working to get into medical school. I have a very realistic idea of life. I feel I'm defective. I can't even sleep right. Something so basic we do it as soon as we are born. It's very upsetting for me. I have had thoughts about ending my life so the lives of others won't be affected. I see people are sad in this world. I wanted to be a doctor to try and end that sadness. I saw babies born and die. People I cared about gone forever. I wanted to stop things like that and help people. I was ready to dedicate my life on getting a phd in medicine. It was all I had to latch on to. However if i cant even sleep at night i will eventually die anyway. If i try to cling to life and have children I will be hurting the world I wanted to help. I will die and my child would live without me and maybe with my problem. I know that life too well. I had tried to end my life once before and I think about that time a lot now and why I couldn't go through with it. The first time it was under different circumstances stances but the same over lapping reason was there. Both times I thought I was weak and that there are better healthier people who could help make the world a better place. The first time i was young. I was about 13 years old. Living with the only family I had known my alcoholic and drug addicted mother. Times were hard. School was the place I loved to be. There was no yelling there was peace. I could only be happy at school and I always dreaded going home to that. However one day that changed. There was a girl I liked and had know for years. I thought we connected a bit because we use to talk to each other about our father's leaving us. She was very pretty and her good nature heavily out weighed her looks. I wanted to know her truly more. I was so shy back then I wrote a letter and taped it to her locker. She approached me that day and agreed to go to the school dance with me. However I couldn't speak. I was so ashamed. I was here but I couldn't say a word. I tried again the next dance and she still agreed to go with me. However my problem was still there. That's when I started thinking about ending my life. Then things got worse. My mother was acting up and burnt our house down. She went to jail. The girl I was so infatuated with was in very bad time of her life too and all I knew is that she was hurting inside because of me I thought which was aided by the fact the all the girls in school bullied me. They were horrible sometimes. I thought clearly always about the girl I hurt. I always wanted to protect her but I realized I did the opposite and this disturbed me greatly. My whole life fell apart in an instant. I planned out how to end my life and so the girl wouldn't be sad anymore. I told everyone my family was moving far away. I made sure everyone knew. When the time was right I took a knife and ran away in the night with the thought I'd end my life. I thought since I told everyone that lie the adults wouldn't want to tell the truth to everyone being so young. This way the girl wouldn't think about me and she could be happy. However I held the knife to me and I realized I truly couldn't do it. I was living with my grandparents whom I'd just met and they called the police to find me that same night. I was taken to a facility to get help. They had asked why I did this. I thought for a quick second and I heard stories of kids being bullied by kids in schools. Without missing a beat and with the thought of protecting the girl in my mind I said the boys in school bullied me. I got help on how to deal with them for two weeks and then returned to school. Everyone really thought I had moved and I was a little happy that my plan would of worked in the end had I gone through with it. I realized I developed a sort of obsession about the girl but I stayed away from her. I thought I was not good if she was to be happy. I only wanted people to be happy and when my presence was enough to change for the worse I guess it got to me. Anyway I'm older now and returning to these thoughts and the truth to everything that happened that only I know. for some reason I want to confide in the girl. I think maybe somehow holding all of this in all these years is eating me up inside. I still feel I could help so many people if I live to become a doctor and maybe for once I can help myself here. I want to contact the girl but I don't know how much I really affected her and I never wanted to hurt her again. I don't know if she was able to move on and be fine either. At the same time I want her to know everything so my biggest secret can be free.
  2. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    Hi Cmiles,

    It sounds like you really want to help people and that is good. Maybe you are not capable of doing that right now, but who knows what the future holds.

    As for contacting the girl, I don't really know if that is a good idea. If you're sure that that is what you want to do, try searching on facebook.

    I'm sure you allready know this, but it's good to be reminded of from time to time, killing yourself is not gonna make people less sad.

  3. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    Well after thinking about things more I think I've come to some conclusions. Perhaps I am defective in some way but that doesn't have to stop me from going to medical school. I was ambien for a while and I've been wondering how much it's been affecting me. Why I brought this up now was because I was having bad thoughts after such a long time. Now I wonder if it was the sleeping medication. I can't be sure. As much as I kind of want to I don't see it going abywhere. I developed some odd obsession for her but I don't really know her. I think I'm more obsessed with the idea of her. I should move on. I've got exams coming up. Thanks though.
  4. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    I do t see it going anywhere by talking to her. Sure it's kind of a big secret but everyone has something I'm sure. I need to check back into my testosterone. I can't let it be denied.
  5. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi thanks for sharing. All the best for your exams. Keep posting.
  6. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    The thing is someone like me is prone to thoughts like this. I mean obsessive behaviors. It feels like I had nothing in life and that i was all alone. I had no one to go to it was just me. So I cling to what I can. Education was something I loved and adored. It was everything to me starting young. It was the only place I felt safe and ok. I'm also a person who keeps to them self a lot. I don't really communicate with others much. Truly my days are spent studying being a straight A student so I can get into medical school. I would say I need to talk to people more but I'm usually very picky about who I start seeing in my life. I should probably start dating too. I thought for a while my sleeping problems came from nowhere. I thought talking about things like this would help somehow. I was ready to try anything to help me sleep at night. I think I'll be just fine now.
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