So, monday I didn't answer a call on my phone (that happens a lot if I don't recognize the number or is expecting a call... or I just don't want to talk to anyone). I am without a job, have been for a year now. The job center has sent me to various places with consultants that all promised (and were required by the state even) to at least find me a placement somewhere, if not an actual job. First few places totally forgot I was there. It was the sort of thing where you sat in front of a computer for 5 hours, and then went home... and some days there were lectures in how to write a resume, or what kind of animal you were inside. One of the places they didn't even know I had my last day, and no one told me... so I showed up for 2 extra weeks until "well you're not on the list. I guess you can go home"... while I saw the most (ugh I hate judging here) untrained brutes and annoying young lads who only showed up a few days and then threw paper at other people get jobs... Another place seemed promising, they asked me what kind of jobs I wanted most of all, I said healthcare (as I'm a trained healthcare service secretary), and if that wasn't possible I just wanted any secretary job... literally anywhere... the lady didn't find anything for me and pretty much blamed me since she had to write a report back to the jobcenter, saying since I ONLY wanted healthcare I made it impossible. And now this... I am not able to work as things are right now. I can't handle a job... I am barely hanging on to life, some days I can't even leave my flat to take out the bins because of anxiety. Going outside and meeting people usually results in selfharm... My therapist is unraveling a lot of bottled emotions and I'm a mess right now. Well, some months back (when I was a bit better than I am now...) I got sent to another place, here I met some really understanding job consultants for the first time, I felt welcome and understood. They even did a group coaching thing for 4 weeks trying to boost our confidence... at one point they filled an entire whiteboard with positive words about my skills etc... but once again they failed to find me work... the job consultant really tried this time though... but I had so many limits, I couldn't do full time because of my sick back, I couldn't leave the town since I didn't have any money... and when she finally found something, but they were critical of me I panicked when I was supposed to call them and tell them I was actually overqualified for their job... I was supposed to be with them until the 31st, and after I told the job consultant that I panicked like that, and had started therapy she told me she'd let me rest until then. I wouldn't have to worry about anything until then, and she seemed to think I'd be cured by then *rolls eyes* I could actually breathe easy. Having one less thing to worry about... it's actually quite stressful not knowing what scary meetings you're acquired to attend within a week! But then I got that call on Monday. The jobcenter has taken me back. And I have to wait for them to contact me. I felt a trapdoor open under me, and I plummeted. I didn't call back, I haven't answered the email she sent me either. I felt betrayed, given up... forgotten... like I didn't matter, once again. 'Now what??' was ringing in my head. Last time I tried to call the job center I got sent to ten different people who had no idea why I talked to them, all seeming dismissive and I never found the right person... I just ended up having a panic attack from hell. After I did some stupid things I shuffled to find the business card from my therapist in my vallet and emailed her. I told her how I felt, what had happened... I think I was rambling a lot (as you can see, that does happen to me). I've been so low since. I haven't slept much, and I've felt a lot og guilt... I haven't told my boyfriend until today what happened, and I didn't even tell him how bad it actually got... he's been very busy and stressed at work and I didn't want to add to his stress level. Stress is the last thing his PTSD needs. I felt scared to leave my flat again... yesterday someone knocked on my door and I felt actual dread. My chest hammered, I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up. I stayed as still as possible, turned down the TV and waited until I hoped they would be gone again... I felt like I had to get out somehow. I know staying inside only makes the anxiety and fear of the outside world worse... So I planned on taking a trip today. I planned any anxiety suffers worst nightmare. A one hour bus ride; each way, to another town, to visit a gigantic super market. Lets just add to it, that last time I visited this place I was 13 with my rapist some months before he did the deed. It was a challenge I set myself. But I had allowed myself to chicken out if I felt too bad. I didn't... I went through with it. I luckily went early in the day... I actually enjoyed the bus ride... there were some pretty landscapes and some animals and things... I walked 2 km's through the town to get to the supermarket, which I enjoyed.... I like pretty old buildings... and my boyfriend was online the whole time, knowing I was doing something difficult, so he was checking up on me and being his exceptionally goofy self. The supermarket had been remodeled (probably several times) since then and since it was early in the day it wasn't that packed. I did end up getting the beginnings of a panic attack, but luckily as I was about to leave anyway. Seeing the toy section got to me. It reminded me of him... we looked at toys there, him and I... Stupid. Stupid. Who does that? Who actually seeks out triggers? I mean they have cheap stuff there, and it was good to get to see something different... but I could have gone different places? While I was on my way I got an email from my therapist, she had read my email... (she had the day off work yesterday) She was very worried for me and wrote she'd call me later, and she also suggested that we eventually set up a meeting with my caseworker from the jobcenter to let them know what is actually going on... The therapist called as promised, when I had come home... and I ended up crying again. It helped a bit to hear her say that my feelings very normal and legit re the panic about being abandoned and 'what now??' and her and I agreed I shouldn't be pushed into work right now. She also asked about self harm... I told her what I did, and she was horrified. We're working on stopping my self-harm in therapy... and this is a real set-back. She even gave me the number for the psych ER in case I got worse... that was a bit of a shock to me. Sometimes I seem to forget that it's not actually normal to do the things I do. She asked me if I thought I could hang on until our next session on Monday, I told her I'd try... but when she found out I am visiting my mum this weekend she told me she'd call me on Friday to check up on me. I know I didn't open up as much with my last therapist... but the last one didn't seem this worried for me. It scares me. It genuinely scares me.