I've been given up, once again...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 9, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    So, monday I didn't answer a call on my phone (that happens a lot if I don't recognize the number or is expecting a call... or I just don't want to talk to anyone).

    I am without a job, have been for a year now. The job center has sent me to various places with consultants that all promised (and were required by the state even) to at least find me a placement somewhere, if not an actual job. First few places totally forgot I was there. It was the sort of thing where you sat in front of a computer for 5 hours, and then went home... and some days there were lectures in how to write a resume, or what kind of animal you were inside.

    One of the places they didn't even know I had my last day, and no one told me... so I showed up for 2 extra weeks until "well you're not on the list. I guess you can go home"... while I saw the most (ugh I hate judging here) untrained brutes and annoying young lads who only showed up a few days and then threw paper at other people get jobs...

    Another place seemed promising, they asked me what kind of jobs I wanted most of all, I said healthcare (as I'm a trained healthcare service secretary), and if that wasn't possible I just wanted any secretary job... literally anywhere... the lady didn't find anything for me and pretty much blamed me since she had to write a report back to the jobcenter, saying since I ONLY wanted healthcare I made it impossible.

    And now this...

    I am not able to work as things are right now. I can't handle a job... I am barely hanging on to life, some days I can't even leave my flat to take out the bins because of anxiety. Going outside and meeting people usually results in selfharm... My therapist is unraveling a lot of bottled emotions and I'm a mess right now.

    Well, some months back (when I was a bit better than I am now...) I got sent to another place, here I met some really understanding job consultants for the first time, I felt welcome and understood. They even did a group coaching thing for 4 weeks trying to boost our confidence... at one point they filled an entire whiteboard with positive words about my skills etc... but once again they failed to find me work... the job consultant really tried this time though... but I had so many limits, I couldn't do full time because of my sick back, I couldn't leave the town since I didn't have any money... and when she finally found something, but they were critical of me I panicked when I was supposed to call them and tell them I was actually overqualified for their job...

    I was supposed to be with them until the 31st, and after I told the job consultant that I panicked like that, and had started therapy she told me she'd let me rest until then. I wouldn't have to worry about anything until then, and she seemed to think I'd be cured by then *rolls eyes*

    I could actually breathe easy. Having one less thing to worry about... it's actually quite stressful not knowing what scary meetings you're acquired to attend within a week!

    But then I got that call on Monday. The jobcenter has taken me back. And I have to wait for them to contact me.

    I felt a trapdoor open under me, and I plummeted. I didn't call back, I haven't answered the email she sent me either. I felt betrayed, given up... forgotten... like I didn't matter, once again.

    'Now what??' was ringing in my head. Last time I tried to call the job center I got sent to ten different people who had no idea why I talked to them, all seeming dismissive and I never found the right person... I just ended up having a panic attack from hell.

    After I did some stupid things I shuffled to find the business card from my therapist in my vallet and emailed her. I told her how I felt, what had happened... I think I was rambling a lot (as you can see, that does happen to me).

    I've been so low since. I haven't slept much, and I've felt a lot og guilt... I haven't told my boyfriend until today what happened, and I didn't even tell him how bad it actually got... he's been very busy and stressed at work and I didn't want to add to his stress level. Stress is the last thing his PTSD needs.

    I felt scared to leave my flat again... yesterday someone knocked on my door and I felt actual dread. My chest hammered, I felt nauseous and wanted to throw up. I stayed as still as possible, turned down the TV and waited until I hoped they would be gone again...

    I felt like I had to get out somehow. I know staying inside only makes the anxiety and fear of the outside world worse... So I planned on taking a trip today. I planned any anxiety suffers worst nightmare. A one hour bus ride; each way, to another town, to visit a gigantic super market.
    Lets just add to it, that last time I visited this place I was 13 with my rapist some months before he did the deed.

    It was a challenge I set myself. But I had allowed myself to chicken out if I felt too bad.
    I didn't... I went through with it. I luckily went early in the day... I actually enjoyed the bus ride... there were some pretty landscapes and some animals and things... I walked 2 km's through the town to get to the supermarket, which I enjoyed.... I like pretty old buildings... and my boyfriend was online the whole time, knowing I was doing something difficult, so he was checking up on me and being his exceptionally goofy self.
    The supermarket had been remodeled (probably several times) since then and since it was early in the day it wasn't that packed. I did end up getting the beginnings of a panic attack, but luckily as I was about to leave anyway. Seeing the toy section got to me. It reminded me of him... we looked at toys there, him and I...

    Stupid. Stupid. Who does that? Who actually seeks out triggers? I mean they have cheap stuff there, and it was good to get to see something different... but I could have gone different places?

    While I was on my way I got an email from my therapist, she had read my email... (she had the day off work yesterday) She was very worried for me and wrote she'd call me later, and she also suggested that we eventually set up a meeting with my caseworker from the jobcenter to let them know what is actually going on...

    The therapist called as promised, when I had come home... and I ended up crying again. It helped a bit to hear her say that my feelings very normal and legit re the panic about being abandoned and 'what now??' and her and I agreed I shouldn't be pushed into work right now. She also asked about self harm... I told her what I did, and she was horrified. We're working on stopping my self-harm in therapy... and this is a real set-back. She even gave me the number for the psych ER in case I got worse... that was a bit of a shock to me. Sometimes I seem to forget that it's not actually normal to do the things I do. She asked me if I thought I could hang on until our next session on Monday, I told her I'd try... but when she found out I am visiting my mum this weekend she told me she'd call me on Friday to check up on me.

    I know I didn't open up as much with my last therapist... but the last one didn't seem this worried for me. It scares me. It genuinely scares me.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I forgot to add one very important detail. Who'd have thought with all that rambling that there could be more...

    I guess it's obvious, but I suffer with severe abandonment issues. Between my father not being in my life, mum pretending or threatening to leave me when I was little, to changing every teacher I ever started to trust in school growing up, fake friends as I got older, suddenly leaving as they could no longer use me... etc. etc... when I get close to someone I always wonder "And when will you leave me?" ... the moment my boyfriend became my boyfriend I started to plan ahead to make the breakup easier for me. (we've been together 19 months now... and I still have the fear sometimes; though he does everything to prove me wrong)
  3. Inanimate

    Inanimate Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's ominous that you're current therapist is that worried about you. Maybe she's just more attentive and understanding of the reality of your situation, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I can sympathize with your abandonment issues, and you're seemingly aware that you're fear of abandonment is irrational, at least. I feel as though I could have more to say, but I can't think straight at the moment... or ever :D
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I honestly don't know what to say but wanted you to know I read this and I do care. You're an amazing woman and the support you give people here is incredible. I know just how hard overcoming anxiety is, it's a terrible emotion. It can make you feel an inch tall. I hope things go okay for you hun, you deserve them to. Am also in a position of trying to reduce self harm, it's extremely hard but I am getting there and so can you, what are your best coping skills? Know that you can come to me anytime day or night. ((hugs))
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am crying right now. I feel like I could throw up any minute. I am going to visit my mum tomorrow... I texted her to ask her how late she can accept that I come... I don't know when the therapist will call... and it's not a call I can handle unless I'm home.

    My therapist doesn't want me to go, especially not in this state. But... mum would never understand. (my mum thinks I am in therapy only because I was bullied... and not because she abused me physically and mentally, and that I was sexually abused (which she also knows)). I talked to her on Sunday about only going every second week... I blamed that on the fact that I feel bad being so close to the school building where I was bullied. She gave a bit of a chuckle when I said that... She thinks I'm so very weak...

    Why the hell do I do this to myself? If I don't go I'll never hear the end of it. She'll think I'm being stupid. She's planned a whole meal, she's shopped for it and even invited her sister. I can't back out now.
    But if I do go... I'll most likely end up hurting myself.

    Mum doesn't know they let me go from that place, no one in my family did. They had such high hopes. Most of my Birthday cards all had the phrase "Hope you get a job soon" in them. My aunt wanted me to get excited that I'd be getting a job soon. She practically jumped up and down about it.

    It's not that I don't want to work I guess (to be fair, could I live off of writing or win the lottery I'd much rather do that) but with all of this mess within me a job might be the end of me right now. I fear I'm that weak that a few awkward social encounters or me making any small error could tilt me... and no, it doesn't help I was bullied and had to deal with a sociopath trying to destroy my work (and vital research material) while working at the hospital last time I was employed.
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2016
  6. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    Lady, listen to me ok ? You are going to be ok. I know you have a ton of stuff weighing you down right now but everything is going to be ok. I am so sorry you were raped. He had no right to do you like that and you didn't deserve it. But he did NOT take who you are. He did not take how strong you are. He did not take what a good and caring person you are. You are such a fighter. Far as your abandonment issues, WE are not going to abandon you. We are going to be here for you in any way we can. We will do everything we can to help you. You going out by yourself like that shows how strong you are. It may have led to some negative feelings but you did it and you TRIED. As much as possible, stay away from anything that leads you to self harm. Far as your mother, I know it can be hard but try to distance yourself from her negativity as much as you can. Don't worry about other people's expectations of you. Go at your OWN pace. You telling all this to your therapist is such a smart move on your part. She seems to care about you very much. Surround yourself with as many positive, uplifting people as you can. Don't give up ! There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You let me know if I can help with anything at all. Everything is going to be ok.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  7. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Reading most of this felt like i had a small glimps into my own life......
    I am so sorry things are so hard for you right now. You are so much stronger than you relise right now.

    I am sorry the job center dont understand your situation...or they dont see just how much dedication you are putting into this, because it seems they may be use to people just mucking around.

    When I have to go out and im worried about my anxiety i sometimes take with me this stuff called bouncing putty its basically a stress ball but it squishy and you can mold in and tear it up and put it back together. Sometimes I jist take enough to have a small peice in one hand and sometimes i need all of it in both hands. Maybe you could give it a try as a distraction??

    I think you therapist just has your best intrest at heart and she dont want to see you suffering and in so much pain.

    I know its hard to visit your mum but I also understand how hard it would be not to visit your mum so you feel kind of stuck because either way the outcomes isn't the best.

    Hang in there, I hope your therapist calls before you have to leave the house. I'm sure when I say I'll be here for you if you need it there are several others in here who feel the same.

    Take care you incredibl lady. And please don't be to hard on yourself
    AdamTide and ThePhantomLady like this.
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