I've been here before

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Syn, Oct 6, 2014.

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  1. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Funny how I find myself back here now, after all the progress I thought I had made. I feel like I need to give myself a new introduction, because I'm a different person than when I was previously here. In a couple days I'm gonna be in Vegas, sounds fun right? Maybe it will be, but all I got is a few bucks and a backpack. I'll be homeless once more (I already am, but at least for now I have a safe place to sleep). When I step off the bus I'm not gonna know a single person, in a place I don't even know, and I won't have much time to figure shit out before my resources run out (Any slips to my addictions will only cut my time down more, time that I don't have to begin with). As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel scared by all of this. What if I fail? I don't want to be back on the streets again... I'm so tired of living like that.

    I managed to get my life together for a while, I had a job, a place to live, and lots of friends. Things were going great despite little things here and there, but somehow it all fell apart. Luckily I have one close friend left who's letting me stay with her till I leave. She's been the one to motivate me to keep fighting for years, and a part of me wishes I could stay here with her forever. I love her, but she only sees me as her best friend (Of course), and friends always seem to drift apart, it scares me to think one day she may not be in my life at all... Around her I feel so much stronger, but when I don't have that support... I don't know what will happen. Sometimes I view it all as a grand adventure. Other times, I feel like these last few nights here will be my last moments of solace before I fall back into the darkness.

    Sometimes I feel so scared and lonely. I just wanna stay asleep forever. I hate that side of myself. I will strive to make it on my own, prove to myself that I am strong and I don't need others to carry me through life. If I can't, I wouldn't want to be alive anyways. So I guess I've hit a rough point that's really gonna test everything I've learned, and I know I can't give up, but it's so damn hard to face everything after all I've already been through. I thought the struggles were over, but they've just begun. So I came back here, hoping to get a bit of support for those times when I feel like it's all too much. If I can help someone while I'm here, even better.

    I hope anybody who sees this is having an amazing day. If not, then I hope you can at least find a reason to smile or laugh about something.
  2. Ok, 2nd go at this - I wrote a quick reply before and sat there for a couple hours thinking if I should hit "submit" or not. (or post reply or whatever) So maybe this one will go better..? And.. hey you may not come back online for months or something and not even see this, right? ;)

    It does sounds like a pretty harsh situation.. but if you've done it before, you must be a reasonably strong person - vastly more than me, I would venture. But no matter how strong your are, I think it's safe to say that almost everyone feels scared and lonely at some point(s) - some of us much more so than others. (with the possible exception of the people that apparently don't have feelings - Blunted affect, or schizo, psycho, or whatever)

    Maybe try and spend time thinking about what makes you happy? Try to figure out what it was about the times that made you feel more like it was a grand adventure.

    This is all really shaky terrain and I believe the English language (or any other currently know method of communication) to be vastly inadequate to the task.. So I try to write my thoughts, but the words are never really sufficient.. So.. sorry if this all is just useless to you.

    Have you told her how you feel? Maybe she has feelings too? Or... maybe you're trying to protect her.

    Do your best with those addictions, they can be a hell unto themselves, and definitely seem to trade short term pleasure for more and more long term pain.. my experience, at least, and I've heard others concur. I can't reference any scientific tests that actually measure if it's "just like" being in hell, assuming such a place exists. ;)

    Ok, I'll stop rambling. I did smile the first time I read your last line.. thanks.

    I wish you happiness.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    First thing to look for when you get off bus is a shelter for you to stay at ok then try to get a job working that will bring you some more income to get a small apt of your own
    You have been through this before just remember you can do it again but this time you will have more knowledge more coping skills I remember you and i hope that you can stay way from the addictions ok that will only bring you to a darker place. Keep posting if you keep us updated to how you are doing even if you hit a library there and log in once and awhile
    stay strong ok hugs
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