There's something about me and depression. It's as if it doesn't matter what I do I always end up in the same rut. I came into $70000 when I was 19, now at 21, I've squandered as much as $35000 on alcohol and night life. This apparent blessing of receiving this money has probably turned me into an alcoholic at 21. I've been dean listed at my university in the faculty of science, but I don't care. My undergraduate in molecular biology seems worthless to me. I've hardly gone to lecture the entire year, I just can't stand it. I get by from cutting corners and photocopying the notes from people I have met in class and I'm still maintaining an A average. I've been with many girls in the past couple of years and I have cheated on the vast majority of them. These were all great people. The relationships I have broken and thrown away, I would do any for now that they are gone. I am incapable of loving people, but I show great loyalty to my friends, I look out for the underdog and the less fortunate because I see myself in them. If I come off as arrogant I am not. From the time I was a teenager if anyone gave me any type of compliment, I would be quick to dismiss it. I go through periods of extreme highs and lows, I may be bipolar. I don't have a clue, and I don't think therapists are very useful. The idea of generalizing mental illness is sickening to me. But there is a difference between the present and my past depressive experiences that have brought me to be posting on your boards. I have considered suicide before, but it has never been an actual option to me. Now it is, I went to a clinic and faked symptoms for insomnia so I would receive sleeping pills. I am considering an overdose on them and the anti-depressants I have stockpiled. I stopped taking the medication but I have continued to refill the prescriptions. I realize that this is an ineffective way to commit suicide, but in there lies the fact that I probably don't want to die. That I'm even posting on these boards is a sure indication that I need and want help. But there's no one to talk to. The girlfriends that I've had and were closest to, don't want anything to do with me. My family has enough problems on their minds already. I have obligations of my own, I have finals and reports that are due at the end of the week that seem trivial to me, but I know in retrospect I'll beat myself up over for not doing well in them. I'm lost. I don't like where my future is going. Nothing seems like it will make me happy. To just go, quietly and unannouced seems like the perfect answer. To just fade away without anyone noticing and being hurt because of it. It feels as if anything I were to do or anything I could possibly achieve is not enough. It's not a question of what would be enough, because there is nothing that can stop me from feeling this way, and I want it to end.