I've been here before...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kapu, Mar 31, 2008.

  1. kapu

    kapu Member

    There's something about me and depression. It's as if it doesn't matter what I do I always end up in the same rut. I came into $70000 when I was 19, now at 21, I've squandered as much as $35000 on alcohol and night life. This apparent blessing of receiving this money has probably turned me into an alcoholic at 21. I've been dean listed at my university in the faculty of science, but I don't care. My undergraduate in molecular biology seems worthless to me. I've hardly gone to lecture the entire year, I just can't stand it. I get by from cutting corners and photocopying the notes from people I have met in class and I'm still maintaining an A average. I've been with many girls in the past couple of years and I have cheated on the vast majority of them. These were all great people. The relationships I have broken and thrown away, I would do any for now that they are gone. I am incapable of loving people, but I show great loyalty to my friends, I look out for the underdog and the less fortunate because I see myself in them. If I come off as arrogant I am not. From the time I was a teenager if anyone gave me any type of compliment, I would be quick to dismiss it. I go through periods of extreme highs and lows, I may be bipolar. I don't have a clue, and I don't think therapists are very useful. The idea of generalizing mental illness is sickening to me. But there is a difference between the present and my past depressive experiences that have brought me to be posting on your boards. I have considered suicide before, but it has never been an actual option to me. Now it is, I went to a clinic and faked symptoms for insomnia so I would receive sleeping pills. I am considering an overdose on them and the anti-depressants I have stockpiled. I stopped taking the medication but I have continued to refill the prescriptions. I realize that this is an ineffective way to commit suicide, but in there lies the fact that I probably don't want to die. That I'm even posting on these boards is a sure indication that I need and want help. But there's no one to talk to. The girlfriends that I've had and were closest to, don't want anything to do with me. My family has enough problems on their minds already. I have obligations of my own, I have finals and reports that are due at the end of the week that seem trivial to me, but I know in retrospect I'll beat myself up over for not doing well in them. I'm lost. I don't like where my future is going. Nothing seems like it will make me happy. To just go, quietly and unannouced seems like the perfect answer. To just fade away without anyone noticing and being hurt because of it. It feels as if anything I were to do or anything I could possibly achieve is not enough. It's not a question of what would be enough, because there is nothing that can stop me from feeling this way, and I want it to end.
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Well, first of all, welcome to our forums. i know how you must feel, empty and as if it never would be ok, but what always helps, its to have hope...and i see you have it, you don´t know where to start, but i clearly can see that you wanna start a new life, or a better life. This is a great place to find support and caring people, but don´t forget about your friends. Sometimes people thinks that their family are to busy to tak care of the people who they love, but you can´t lose anything by try to tell them how you feel. or what do you need. About counselling, well i´m not the best person to give you any advice as i hate counseling as you do, but people who gets counselling sooner or latter get better, but may be you´re not ready for that, untill you start understanding what´s going on with your own feelings. Alcohol is so dam addictive in some way, i cannot tell you i don´t like it, but (you know what i´m going to say) is not the answer hun- If you ever need to talk or help pm me^^
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Re: I've been here before

    once you latch on to suicide as a serious option it can be hard to shake that without some professional help. it's very hard to THINK your way out of this because it is an illness of the mind, and even of the spirit. the more you THINK things over, the more you can get tangled up because depression distorts our thinking and we end up with both the wrong questions and the wrong answers.

    i won't sweet talk this: this is serious. very serious. my doctor's analogy was this: when you are the goldfish you can't see outside of the bowl... or something like that... LOL... anyhow his point was that i couldnt' see what danger i was in because i had been living with my suicidal feelings for months at that point.

    different people use different techniques to fight depression, so why not research them all and try the ones that will work for you. i would say professional support of some kind (a social worker, a therapist, a pscyh or mental health nurse are just some of the options) is really important.

    it's hard to do the things you need to do in order to get better by yourself. they are hard, not because you are not smart enough, or because you don't try hard enough or are lacking in willpower, but they are hard because you are exhausted, have thought it over, and suicide will always pop up as the answer. it's hard, also, because you have to learn to put actions ahead of thoughts or feelings, that is you have to learn to not let your feelings/thinking direct you.

    would you consider getting some help?

  4. Ire

    Ire Guest

    It sounds like, aside from the alcoholism and lack of relationship, things aren't that bad.

    But a man can have everything in the world and still be suicidal. Depression is a bitch like that.

    Either way, maybe you should wait a while. Things can change. But, if you can't... I think we all understand that.
  5. Rammingstone

    Rammingstone Member

    Coming into a windfall of money at a young age can be a real curse, for sure. My dad passed away in my early 20's and willed me around $ 65,000. It was gone in less than 5years.

    Most of it went on my dream car Porsche which bled me dry in repairs. I was VERY foolish, didn't invest one dime of it. We can't keep looking back at these mistakes though.