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i've been hoarding again

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by angee, Apr 1, 2012.

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  1. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i've been hoarding tablets again... i was fooling myself, telling myself that they were just spares... in case i cant pick up my script on the right day! I went in my jewellry box and i must have easily had assorted tablets there. Its freaked me out a bit, i though i was doing better... it'll be a year this month since i overdosed. It's all still there, raw, hidden under the surface. I couldn't feel anything after it happened... i died twice and yet still nothing! Not even any remorse. I have been running in practical mode for the last 8 months or so, very numb but recently its been getting harder and harder, i cut my leg again. feel so scared.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2012
  2. TigersMomJ

    TigersMomJ Active Member

    Hi angee. Reading your post reminds me of how I feel sometimes. I'm sorry you're struggling. It's good that you're here though and talking to others about it. I don't know your situation but I can identify with the feelings you're describing. It's like you think things are not at their worst and you're just moving forward and then all of a sudden you look down and realize you've got your toes over the edge of a cliff. It's very scary. I'm here if you need to talk.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Angee - you're in a good place here and we care about you.

    I can only speak from my own experience to hoarding. Mine were actually intended as an option, should the suicide impulse become too great.

    I caught a good day on one of my mood swings, and the impulse changed from suicidal and became "You don't really need these around, it makes it too easy, and sometimes causes the temptation. Besides, if i start with one, there's no telling when or if I'll stop" and I flushed them (not the recommended manner) but they were gone.

    Keep talking to us, you're important
  4. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys, trying to keep my head distracted but its not really helping! dunno what to do with myself
  5. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    At one time I had collected over 40 bottles of pills. It was so tempting to take them. So, I put them in a box and wrote with a marker on it - Don't do it...Go to the hospital... You don't want to do this....and so forth. I kept the box for years. My pdoc often asked me to bring it in but I always said no. I had so many from the many times I changed the pills I was taking. When I was hospitalized once I brought the box with me and they kept it - got rid of the meds. Since then, I find I can't seem to throw away meds I have stopped taking. I have been slowly accumulating more and more but not nearly what I had before. I don't have a box though.

    Find a box, fill it, seal it, write on it. It does help relieve the pressure to use them.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yep - writing notes to oneself like that is a very good thing to do.......... it might not sound like it is, but it is.........

    Another tip I discovered yesterday was some good advice dished out by a GP - to write on a Post-It and post it on your bathroom mirror, and look deep into your eyes as you say the words to yourself, twice a day:

    "I accept myself


    Right Now"

    Do this for 30 days, even if the arguments in your head want to contradict what you're telling your subconscious mind.......(and the Dr. said they will - but diminish about day 21)........... Worth a try!
  7. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    I'll try the notes on a box, that could be a good idea, maybe put a pic of my kids inside. I hate feeling like this, i have met someone recently and i feel like the more he learns about me the quicker he is going to leave, i am being pretty open with him... ish... he know i cut and overdosed last year and he's finding that hard enough at the mo, can't tell him i feel suicidal again, we've only been going out a month! its so much easier being alone..... no one to hurt!
  8. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Am i wrong to be getting involved with someone when i feel like this????????
  9. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    No, you're not wrong to get involved with someone nice. Your job now is to get your depression under control. Call your pdoc (psychiatrist) if you have one. If you are on meds, they probably need to be tweaked. If you aren't on meds you need to consider starting.
  10. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hi Angee,

    Putting a picture of your kids inside the box sounds like a great idea. Anything that will help you remember why you don't want to take the pills when the temptation is stronger is worthwhile.

    You mentioned earlier that you were trying to keep your head distracted but didn't know what to do with yourself - I have this exact problem lol. Over the years I've come up with weird distraction techniques. Have you found any that work for you or that help at all? Sometimes a good distraction technique is vital so finding something that works for you could be really useful.
  11. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Hiya Kate, the only thing i have found that can help distract me is playing puzzle games on my pc with music on load, i get lost in the music sometimes. like i am doing at the mo x
  12. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Great that you have a distraction technique, I sometimes play one of the puzzle games on my phone when I'm trying to reduce anxiety , they can be weirdly helpful. Sometimes I find that trying to fight a thought or compulsion is too difficult so distraction is the best option. Are you getting any support from your GP or anyone like that at that moment?
  13. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    I see my cpn once a fortnight for a chat and the consultant every 6 months, i dont really talk much to them much though. Distraction is a big help when it works, especially when my kids are around, do you get much support?
  14. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Ummm not really. Meds didn't work for me so I'm kind of fumbling around in the dark trying to find what will work best. I really struggle with anxiety so distraction plays a big part in trying to control that!! I think it can hard to talk honestly to the people in your life a lot of the time so it can be a relief to find places like SF where people have an understanding of what you go through. I saw your post in the other thread, I'm guessing you're finding today pretty tough?

    Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to
  15. 21stcentury

    21stcentury New Member

    I so know where you are coming from, iv been doing the same claiming to myseld that they might run out at short notice and that i need then just in case, i couldnt remember where id hiddent hem last night, but finally found them and realised why i had hidden them, there are there as my emergency get out i guess, im guessing all of us act in a similar fashion, a year of not doing anything though is a positive thing though, i wish i could get rid of your pain and everyone elses
  16. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    its harding knowing that a year on and i still feel the same! I feel like i'll never get any better. Meds are only numbing me more, docs says i have depression, anxiety, self harm issues and suicidal thoughts, he is now saying i have a dissociation disorder, maybe boarderline personality disorder! I havn't got a clue i just dont want to feel so fucking alone! I know i love my kids but i cant even feel that anymore x
  17. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Although you can't feel it right now, your kids can. You must be a really strong person to be going through this while caring for your kids.

    I'm not sure if this might help but when the negative thoughts or anxiety or compulsive thoughts become too much I've started to try and distance myself from them rather than fight them. Just recognising that the 'faulty' part of my brain is working overtime and acknowledging the unwanted thoughts but ignoring them rather than acting on them.

    You Dr. may not have given you a firm diagnosis yet but whether it's depression or dissociation disorder etc it's not you - it's an illness. It's affecting the way you feel and act in exactly the same way a physical illness would. More importantly, it's treatable. You may not be getting the right treatment right now but there is treatment out there that will help. Unfortunately you do have to push for the right treatment which is extra difficult for someone struggling with depression etc. Go back to your GP and insist that they treat you effectively. What's happening isn't your fault and you don't deserve to feel like this. Get them to re-evaluate your medication and treatment. I know you can't see it right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
  18. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    wish i could believe it's not me, not my fault
  19. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    It's not, I promise you. To be honest, I feel the same way you do. My issues have put a lot of strain on my family and I feel incredibly guilty about it because it feels like it's completely my fault. But the guilt is part of the illness. Would you choose to be living like this? Of course not. You're not doing this to yourself or your family. You're coping with a chronic illness despite the fact you aren't getting the right treatment yet - that in itself is admirable!

    You aren't this illness and this illness isn't you. Right now it's taken over most if not all of your life but once you're getting the right support and treatment the illness and the symptoms will lessen. I know it seems easy for me to say this but I do know how hard it is and that it can be a long struggle but you can and will get there.
  20. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    Thanks Kate, i've been like this since i was a kid but was diagnosed 12 years ago. Now they said i have bpd they are putting me in for some new thing 'pep trials' ??? they cant tell me much cos it defeats the object of the trials, i dunno but i guess its worth trying x
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