I've been on this site for six years.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MadeOfGlass, Mar 28, 2016.

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  1. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    I joined when I was 13, and hardly even thought about making it to graduating high school since I was so caught up in wanting to just die.
    In those six years, I've attempted suicide twice, I've self harmed, I've been sent to inpatient treatment for an eating disorder, and I've used enough drugs I think my parents would disown me if they knew of my experience in that area. But, I've also graduated high school, completed half of my undergraduate degree a year early while on a path to a masters degree, and I've recovered from the previously mentioned eating disorder. I have an internship secured for the summer and I've got a solid plan for my future and the goals I want to achieve.
    Last November, I was diagnosed with PTSD, as well as my previous diagnoses of depression and anxiety. To put it bluntly, that fucked me up. It made me realize how much my upbringing has affected my mental health and these past six months have been particularly difficult.
    I know I've hardly been on this site anymore, but I seem to have hit a wall and sometimes it still feels like killing myself is the only option I have anymore. It's affecting my everyday life and my academics and I just feel trapped and I don't know who to talk to or how to deal with it anymore.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry to hear how this diagnosis is affecting you; I know how difficult it can be to realize how bad ones childhood was. I'm in your shoes as well there.

    But don't give up hun. You have come so far, and I can honestly say I'm proud of where you got today despite of everything.

    Are you seeing a therapist currently? And are you getting any meds to help you pull through this particularly bad time?
    Don't give up on yourself now hun, your past may have been bad but you can learn how to move on from this.

    Have you considered DBT? It can have some really great benefits for a PTSD sufferer as it works with the brains wrong coping mechanisms and teaches and trains new ways to handle the triggers.

    Please don't give up hun *hugs*
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I remember you from "back then" and I know how far you have come. Sometimes when things are going well and we have fought so hard to get there, it can feel even more scary - that "what if it goes away" feeling. I don't know anything about your upbringing but I do know this - while it may have affected you, it does not define you and it does not have to keep affecting you. You have done SO well getting where you are. Your achievements are yours and they are significant.

    I understand you are overwhelmed and it feels too hard - but you know that suicide isn't the only option left and you know that it isn't the answer. I think sometimes a diagnosis is more damaging than helpful. A doctor saying you have a thing - whatever the thing is - changes nothing about who you are or what you have achieved. You are exactly the same strong, brave, smart, determined person you were before a doctor told you that. I am sorry it fucked you up, but it is important to remember it does NOT define or change you. A doctor saying it one day doesn't change who you are. You got this Sarah - you're amazing - hang in there. And if that means hanging out here some so we can remind you, then we are good with that too *hugs*
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome back to the forum. You have survived six years. That is something you should be proud of and never look back but move forward with your life. You have achieved so much in the past six years.

    It's ok to fall down again, we all allowed to fall when you have dug deep within yourself and moved forward with your life. Even if we doing it with our help. You know we are here for YOU.

    So please rethink any thoughts and let's rebuild your life as it's important to move forward. You can be strong again with our help to let you see the light again. Keep posting and be safe.
  5. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    I'm not currently seeing a therapist, I've tried setting one up because I know it might help but since I live on the West Coast and go to college on the East Coast, I go back and forth so much that having a therapist in one place or the other consistently is a challenge since I'll be moving again once I graduate.
    I'm on a couple of different medications to help with making me a functional human being, until about two weeks ago where my mental state has kinda crashed and burned.
    And maybe it's not the diagnosis itself, but the concurrent look into the symptoms of PTSD and how they actually play out in my everyday life. That's just really scary to me. I'm trying the best I can to stick around and keep going but it still really sucks most of the time?
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Keep posting and let's keep talking as this jeep you occupied and make you realise we can save you from any thoughts. We allowed to crash but you have to dig deep to move forward with your life. I know you are hurting but stay strong. I know that aniexty can kick but we all have to deal with our situations on a day to day or hour by hour basis.

    Keep posting as you are important.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but also proud of you for what you've accomplished. *hug* Suicide isn't the answer, even though I know those thoughts creep in sometimes. You've gotten through so much already, and you can make it through this too.
  8. SlitOrSmile

    SlitOrSmile New Member

    When I read the title, my stomach dropped. I've felt like this for at least two and half years now, i too suffer from ptsd, the product of my mothers child molester ex boyfriend. I'm scared, I'm scared I'm still going to feel this way in six years. I'm so desperate.
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