I've been suicidal for 2 years...

Hi, I'm new here. I signed up because I want people's support. For some reason, I think a lot of you are gonna be mad at me because I made a mistake. I'll tell you about that in a bit...

I've been really depressed for a while. I'm in grade 12. Taking another year next year because I can't handle too many classes, from not being able to concentrate. My depression mainly involves feeling worthless and uncared for. I feel like I need to be loved more, and I wish I had more people to be with.

I made this really good friend. I asked her for hugs all the time, and that made me feel really good. It was really nice knowing someone would give me that affection.

I was talking to her on facebook a couple of days ago. I just got a new job at Boston Pizza, and i was just joking around saying "I'm gonna hit on waitresses lol". She started being harsh towards me, saying I come on too strong to people, and if I want a girlfriend, I've got to stop coming on too strong to people. I don't really know why I was taking offense to this, it was just the way she put it, I guess. She also said "Stop whining, I've been having problems for 2 weeks fuck." I said "Well I got sent to the hospital at the end of grade 10 because I was thinking of commiting suicide." She said "K I really didn't want to know that. I'm gonna go watch a movie. Bye."
I felt really suicidal after that. I was sure I was gonna go somewhere and jump off. I just wanted to die right there, because one of my best friends said that to me, and it seemed she didn't care at all. This is where you guys might get mad at me. I sent her a PM. This was it:

I've had so many girls hurt me in my life, and what you said, just triggered something...i feel worthless and everything. If I continue living I think this will just happen with other girls. your really mean. Tomorrow, I'm going to my old work, and I'm gonna go behind, where all the backstock is kept. There's a place I can climb up and jump off. It's all because of what you said. I dont understand why so many girls are so heartless towards me. I just want them to care about me. I bet you wont even care when I die, and that hurts soooo much. i wont ever have to deal with people hurting me anymore when I do this.

That was it. I was ready to go do it the next day. I woke up and read the PM she gave me back. I wasn't really suicidal anymore after I woke up, but my suicidal thoughts have kinda come back now...anyways, this was the message she sent:

how dare you.
i did nothing to you. i was just telling you how it seems when you talk to girls all the time and ask them for hugs and you hardly know them! it's okay with me cause we are friends. but seriously do not threaten me with that bullshit.
rise above your ocean of self pity then maybe you can be happy. the only person to blame for you unhappiness is you.
do not blame me for that. that is so unfair. and i don't want to be your friend anymore. if that is how you treat your friends.
grow up, cause that was really shallow and lame.

I responded with this:

If you want something not shallow, I wrote about my depression to *Persons name* in a big story. I don't really want you to read it though.

Well I'm not suicidal anymore. Until today I was actually thinking about doing it and...I was just so depressed yesterday and I wrote that in the heat of the moment. I'm really sorry...I didn't even think of it as threatening until you brought it up. I'm really sorry that I threatened you...to tell you the truth, I wrote that knowing you would probably laugh at me when I died and didn't care. That's just how I felt with the way you were talking to me. That's the way I've felt with other girls in the past. I wrote that 100% sure I was gonna do it. I can't explain it, its just the way my head works.

I blamed you (And other girls) for my unhappiness because their always mean to me. A kid gets bullied, I don't say that's his fault. I know you weren't bullying me...but I just felt you were at the time.

I've decided I'm just not gonna talk to anyone anymore, not if it's gonna lead me to do something like this. I'll just stick with my guy friends and leave it at that (Except *Name*).

But will you forgive me for saying that? I know you dont wanna be friends but will you at least forgive me?

And I forgot one thing. Friends care about each other. I thought you didn't care about me when you were saying those things, which just hurt a lot.

But anyways, I feel like a retard right now V_V"

That was the words exchanged between me and her. She never responded to my other one. I talked to my friend on the phone and said that was really mean of me to say that to her. I was still feeling suicidal after that, but not as much as I did the first day that happened.

I feel really sad that I lost one of my best friends, and I'll never get hugs from her again. I walked by her in the hallway today, and she was sitting down, when she saw me, she put her hands over her eyes and closed them. I was gonna ask "Is there any way we can ever be friends again?" But I decided not to, so I kept walking.

 

well, there is no reason for us to be mad at you. Because we all make mistakes and u tried to make it up. I think u might have crossed the line with your pm but i also think she got what u said about hitting on a waitress too seriously. Hun if u are feeling like jumping off a roof call 911. You care for people and as all human beings u make mistakes..i did,do will do. and we all will make mistakes. This just happened a couple of days ago, give her some time to remember how stupid the whole situation was, and how she made u feel. Plus, u asked to be forgiven, that worths more than anything u could say, because in your pm it reeally seems u are sorry for what u said.

take care hun and if u need to talk u know what to do

ohhh btw! welcome to the forums!

 

You didn't piss anyone off here..But you did overstep your friendship by saying what you did to her..Alot of people don't understand depression so you kind of put her on the spot.. I can see where she might have thought you were threatening her.. In the future count to 10 and think first before you say something like that..In time if she was that good a friend she may come around, but don't talk about those kind of feelings with her again or you will push her away for good.

 

I guess you learned your lesson. But you should think deeply about what she responded to you with. Your relationship with her didn't seem healthy, you were too clingy about yourself with her that you forgot about her feelings. She said she had problems for two weeks, did you bother asking her what her problems were.

My advice: don't tell people about your suicidal issues, it never really helps, ive done it before and i got sorta the same response. Nobody likes a clingy person! find your trueself from rock bottom, be a stronger person.

 

There was one reason I didn't ask her about her problems. It was the way she put it. It was like "Quit your whining." It just really hurt...

 

may be she doesnt know u enough to believe what u told her was the truth hun :S hang in there, im sure its gonne be solved soon