I've been thinking of ending it, I just don't feel right anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by whysosrs88, Oct 19, 2008.

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  1. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    Well let me attempt to give you people a background on why I am posting this right now.

    Well I've had thoughts over the years of ending it all, due to a bunch of reasons that is just alot for someone to deal with in a little bit of time.

    I've moved several times through my childhood due to alot of different things. One was my parents divorcing while I was a baby, no older then a year old. Then as I grew up living with my mother and visiting my father every other weekend, he tried to brainwash me into making up lies about how my mother would beat me, and date different men every night to try to get me to live with him. None of which was ever true, but I was a small child and he attempted to bribe me with items such as a dirt-bike or whatever.

    Aside from that my mother eventually remarried and the guy who she married turned out to be a completely different person after they were married awhile. We went through times where we didn't have any food because he got fired and didn't look for a new job at all, during this time my grandfather developed cancer and my mother was living with them basically to take care of him. Not only did we go without food, but we went without heat in the winter as well as electricity occasionally. So my mom after I think it was about 8-9 years of marrage divorced him.

    After that we moved in with my sister, which all was well and good for awhile. One day the landlord came and told us we had to get rid of our dogs which we had for years. We told my sister we wouldn't move in with them unless they got a place with dogs, because after all that time they are a part of the family and we wouldn't just get rid of them. So once again my mother had to leave to live with my grandparents and took our dogs with her. After a half year my sister decides to go crazy because of drugs she was on, calls my grandparents and threatens to kill my mother. Tells her that even if they make up and she thinks everything is good that's when she will kill her.

    So we move in with my grandparents my brother and I as well. We live there for 2 years where I was put down by my grandfather for going to online school, and not having a job at the time because of it. Everything that he could say he would, and it would slide it in whenever no one was ever around to help defend myself or anything. We live there for about 2 years and that is all I go through day in and day out, and eventually you start to believe what you are told when you hear it that often.

    While I was living there I met a girl online, we chatted for awhile and a relationship developed. I bent over backwards for this girl who lived a state away, she asked me to go to her prom with her so I came up with the money when I didn't have it to get a tux and travel a 4 hour trip to her house to take her to prom. It was great and I never felt for anyone like I did for her EVER. Everything seemed to be going well and I always was trying to come up with new ways to see her. I rushed moving once again so that way I would have the ability to make that trip more often.

    Well after all that time my mother met a guy a really nice older guy. We have now moved in with him, and things aren't so bad but we couldn't bring our dogs because he has an apartment. During this time I figured out a way to go see this girl again and stay at her house and meet her parents. I was scared out of my mind, but was willing to do it for her. So I go down and all that and we have a great time although her parents scared the hell out me asking to photocopy my ID and what not, but I went through it all for her.

    Which I forgot to mention she cheated on me once, and begged me for a second chance and because I didn't want to throw away what could be I gave her a second chance, very stupid of me I know. She told me everything she would do to prove she loved me, and she did for awhile. Then things started to seem off when she started her first year of college. This girl told me everything and told me everything she wanted out of our relationship. Then like I said she starts acting odd like she did when she cheated on me. So I asked her one simple question.... If you didn't love me anymore you would tell me right? Well after that everything seemed to go down hill. She told me she wanted space, but didn't want to break up. So I tried to give her space, but I saw her change things on her myspace as well as in other aspects of her life. She got rid of the only picture of me and her on it and I called her to say hey what is going on why did you do that if we aren't broke up. Ofcourse she made up an excuse for everything, and I could never tell if she was lieing or not.

    I was ready to commit to this girl honestly, and at the last second she screwed me. She kept me dangled on a string while she tried out other guys. That combined with everything I've been through in my life has just all piled up, and I'm just wondering why shouldn't I end it.

    Everyone tells me that oh things will get better, just keep your chin up. Well after 20 years that hasn't happened yet and I continue to get stepped on being the nice guy. I left out some information because it's just too much to type, but any replies would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    having to live thru the mess of parental divorce can go either way and i'm sorry you have had to go thru the worst of it.
    you have had a tough life but even at its worst you have found the courage to carry on and you have shared this with your mum, it seems she is now happy and i think you should try to share that with her, realise that what yo went thru, how people made you feel was just a product of a crappy situation and not thru something that you have done.

    why take your life?, i know that you are hurting now but after everything i think your mum deserves better and i think you deserve better. sounds harsh but the after effects of suicide are easily ignored.

    although your past has had a negative effect on you but i bet if you look for it you will find it had a positive effect too.

    as for your girl, well, love is hard to get over but i think its time to move on.

    be safe
     
  3. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    It has had a positive effect to a certain point, but then at the same time. I'm like why do I keep pushing on although I never end up happy. I always and I mean always seem to get screwed in all kinds of ways. As for the girl I've tried to get her off my mind, but I can't there was just so much she said that I sit and over analyze. It's odd because life doesn't feel the same way it used to in my mind or anything. Just nothing feels "normal" so to speak. A friend of mine ended his life because of the same feeling after he was in a car accident, which I was also in a few of those. So I just wonder if it's the right choice to make or not.
     
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    sitting down and thinking over and over about how things went wrong, why can't i be happy or the 'why me effect' is only natural, we all do it but from what i have read i know you haven't done anything wrong.
    be careful not to wallow in self pity and blmae yourself for the actions of others, i've been there and its hard to break that cycle.

    you have heard of the ' light at the end of the tunnel' phrase and your young and more fish in the sea stuff, well to a point that is true and not patronising but i mind set to get you to think about the future working towards finding happiness sometime.

    suicide isn't the right thing mate, yes you are hurting now, you can't see a normal life on the horizon but believe me it is there. it takes courage and time to find it but it is there to be had.

    the choice is yours but i hope that you hang around and give yourself a chance to find what you want.

    what have you got to lose with trying?
     
  5. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    What do I have to lose with trying? That is a good question. After trying so long though, what do I have to gain from trying to press on? It's been YEARS and I mean YEARS that all this has gone on. I hear people say oh things are always the darkest before the dawn, yeah well I'm beginning to think things will always be dark. There are times when I feel semi alright, but it isn't long and the only thing that has stopped me so far is the effect it would have on other people that I care about, but I don't even really care anymore I don't think.
     
  6. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    the fact that you admit to knowing what effect your suicide will have says to me that you do care, which is good.

    have you spoken to anyone about how you feel, what your thoughts are?
     
  7. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    Only the girl that I used to date. It was kind of odd because the day that we or should I say she ended it. My friend and I went to the store to get something to eat and headed back to his house. On the way there was a lady that we picked up and gave a ride to try to help her sort her life out. I guess her nephew that was 19 killed himself a few days before we picked her up and helped her out. It was so odd that it happened because I was thinking of ending it then, but I seen the effect it has on people and I've hesitated. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because I don't want to freak anyone out, and don't know how to bring it up to someone. I talked to my best friend a few years back whenever I was feeling down and was thinking about it, but ever since then I haven't said anything to anyone except that girl. I told my mom that things don't feel right and in a way mentioned that I thought about ending it without coming out and saying blantantly about it, but still all that doesn't really change my thought process on it all.
     
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    theres many people and organisations that you can speak to in confidence about how you feel if you arent ready to speak to loved ones, plus theres us here who will alays listen. there are some great people here who will give better advice than me so use us.
    think about taking a pause in your thoughts about ending it and give yourself a chance to find a better place in your life.

    its a long road and sometimes hard and lonely but it will be worth it, you have alot more to do and give in your life but i know its just too hard to see that right now, but trust me that its there.

    don't rush into things just yet.

    maybe going to a doc is the first place to go, you are suffering from low self esteem and i expect depression too so get an experts advice and help on that coz expert i am not.
     
  9. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    Well that is why I've searched and found this forum to try to get some sort of insight from people who have MAYBE expierenced what I feel right now. I don't know who else I could try to contact in confidence and hopefully confidentially it talk about this and get advice.

    You say it's worth it, but from everything like I said that I expierenced through my years it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore. Nothing gets better and nothing changes, I've waited and I've given it chances and YEARS to change, but has it happened.... No it has not.

    I'm not so sure if it's low self esteem, I don't think badly of myself really. Although at the same point in time I do notice I try to get reassurance from people at times. I don't really have the means or money to see something like that at this time. I'm going to go to bed right now, and see what the day may bring, I will check back here and I hope we can continue to talk before I do anything.

    EDIT* Also not only is it that I'm scared of what it will do to other people, but in a way I'm afraid to end it and there be nothing at all. Although I don't know why because if there isn't anything after death why be afraid? I don't know anymore honestly.....
     
  10. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    ok, hope fully others will join in to help .

    theres a list of places o get help at bottom of main page.

    take care
     
  11. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    and welcome to the forum, i forgot that bit :rolleyes:
     
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello,
    You should forgive your grandparents. The way they were brought up is completely different than it is now. They probably wanted you to work to help your self esteem, and to teach you values.
    As far as the girlfriend, excuse me the exgirlfriend goes, Those things happen. When I was young I was different than you. Every week I had a different girl friend. I got older and started looking for someone steady and was cheated on by every relationship I was in. My exfiance ripped me off for $18,000 and left me. We had bought a house and I just gave up on it and told her it was hers. When she sold it I had to sign the papers and ended up getting $8000 out of it.
    It sounds to me like you are stuck in the greiving mode of the steps you go thru when you break up. I was there with my ex after greiving I went thru the anger step. That was where I stopped because it finally hit me that it was over and I should move on which I did!! You will get over it just give it some time. Good luck to you!!~Joseph~
     
  13. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    I'm past the grieving part, I'm not going to say that I completely don't care about her or whatever, but she isn't just the reason for this post.

    Somewhere along the line I lost something, I lost the will and motivation to live day to day. Life just doesn't feel right to me anymore. I don't know if there is something wrong with me in my head or what it is to be honest. It's very hard to explain the feeling that I am having whenever I'm doing things day to day. I've been trying to work on things and have been trying to be happy and shoo away the keepers of gloom, but then the reality hits me of it all. I just can't do it anymore, now I just need to know what would be the most painless way of doing it....
     
  14. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    Just one last final post. There is no heaven on this earth, happiness, love, it is all bullshit. Everyone around you is fake, I've noticed people are only out for themselves and no one else. They think that if they are good to people they will get eternal life and happiness never ending, well let me tell you. YOU ARE WRONG. There is nothing after death except the sweet embrace of nothingness. I know now that there is nothing to be afraid of, because it's done and over with at that point. No pain, hurt, sadness, nothing, it's over. Goodbye everyone tonight is the night it ends.
     
  15. Erratic

    Erratic Active Member

    I hope that since you're still listed as online that you're still reading, and that you're clicking refresh.

    I won't go into the gory details, but my childhood wasn't well adjusted, and my parents, both of whom are still alive, aren't very supportive for their own reasons. I've thought about, wanted to, planned out and nearly went through with my suicidal ideation on a few occassions.

    I could never go through with it because of how it would effect my sisters. If you can't stop yourself for yourself, then consider your mother, and how it would effect her. I may not be happy in my life, and you may not be in yours, either, but are you really that ready to inflict that much unhappiness on people you care about?

    If nothing else, think on that before making the final decision. You're reaching out to people here, I don't think you really want to do it.
     
  16. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    In time they will all get over it. Or maybe they will realize what I have today.
     
  17. Erratic

    Erratic Active Member

    Asking them to get over it is a bit much. You do love them, right?
     
  18. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    Perhaps but maybe love isn't real and the only reason I'd care about what it would do to them is because I was programmed to be that way.
     
  19. Erratic

    Erratic Active Member

    On the flip side, maybe you've been programmed to think that suicide is the only answer.
     
  20. whysosrs88

    whysosrs88 Member

    And what exactly would have done that? I know what I'm going to do and I will do it before the night ends, and the sun begins to rise.
     
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