I've been thinking...

[~CazzaAngel~]

I was going thru some pictures, that I had saved on a page to my MSN, been looking at some pictures, they were of me and my husband, the day before Xmas and xmas day.



And so much of my thought just had a flood back of memories. Seeing his nuckles in the picture making me think of how his family was always fighting.... And My arm that had scars where I'd put cigarettes out on my arm..(I now have a tattoo wrapped around that arm to cover the scars..)


And I looked at my fist,It had red places on it in the picture, that's because my flash backs had been coming back and I would flip out and feel like bugs were crawling all over me and would get in the shower and scrub the shit out of myself....but one night I went outside and didn't want to cut and was so angery at the people who hurt me and the way my husband and his family treated me....I flipped out ...I started just hitting the tree and it skinned the skin off parts of my hand...that was a few weeks before the picture.



And seeing my husbands long hair in the picture reminded me of when he had me braid his hair. (it was longer than mine lol)


And the last picture that were taken about a month or so before I left him, we were in Texas, seeing his grandparents.......And his mother kept taking pictures and he said it was time for the trade mark... :blink: which meant it was time to stick our middle fingers up and he stuck his tounge out..but I didn't..


The day before the xmas pictures were taken the picture was taken my husband was in a bad mood and I asked him to take me by the Quick Shop real quick so I could get a pack of cigarettes....and he was cold but I wasn't and he said he wouldn't take me anywhere until I got a coat on, I put it on went out he started to the quick shop and then started screaming at me swurving the car all over speeding thru streats, telling me I bettr never disrespect him and I was a bitch and this and that....and I came back out with the cigarettes, and drives to the cemitary and stops, said he would take us home until I apologised and told him all of the things I did wrong... :dry:


I dunno......bitter sweet memories...but what's sad is 95% of them are bitter instead of sweet. :dunno:


I don't know why I felt the need to post this.....




Does anyone ever start thinking about stuff like this?


:hug:



~Carolyn

 

[I hate user names]

yes.. it is hard for me to look through pictures.. esp. of my daughter's birth with her dad there (when we were still together).. when i had a support system.. when i was optimistic.. and now i am all alone.. how could he abandon his responsibilities like that? i was so young, so nieve.. and then to look at the picures through the last few years.. of me pretending to be happy... i know it is fake.. i know it is all a lie..

i def. think about it a lot..

 

[I hate user names]

i guess it isn't in the same context of yours ^^ but it still relates..

 

[ACRon]

I do it all the time, i think. I get quite bored and start to remember things. living things again. the strange thing about it is that my body remembers exactly how i felt in certain moments. Like the cold air and the emptyness I felt when I broke up with my ex. I was sitting in a chair and everytime i see that moment i see her and I feel her, My body and spirit just sort of relive it. I can get quite lost in those thoughts I think, I try and avoid it if at all possible. its horrible come to mention it. I think its my souls way of telling me what I need in my life. As though I need to mend my relationship with her, and all women I guess. Im not good at that stuff but that might be similar to you in some way


edit- soz, i didn't realise what section this was in. my post has nothing to do with abuse

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

I do it all the time, i think. I get quite bored and start to remember things. living things again. the strange thing about it is that my body remembers exactly how i felt in certain moments. Like the cold air and the emptyness I felt when I broke up with my ex. I was sitting in a chair and everytime i see that moment i see her and I feel her, My body and spirit just sort of relive it. I can get quite lost in those thoughts I think, I try and avoid it if at all possible. its horrible come to mention it. I think its my souls way of telling me what I need in my life. As though I need to mend my relationship with her, and all women I guess. Im not good at that stuff but that might be similar to you in some way


""edit- soz, i didn't realise what section this was in. my post has nothing to do with abuse""

That's ok, it was partially on the subject :wink:



:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Marshmallow]

Ello :biggrin:

Im sooooo sorry you had to go thru that :cry: I kinda of understand it an tiny bit, my father was abuse to my mother and a situation that happened when before i was born still affects me to do this, i think about it alot and i hate my dad for doing it. But look on the bright side at least you got rid of that coward and starting the rest of your life as happy as can be. :smile:

Take care

Vikki x

 

[gentlelady]

Carolyn I understand exactly what you mean. Yes when I go back through pictures or things like that the memories flood back. The good times and the bad. It is hard to stay focused on the good because the bad was so much more prevalent. I am thinking of you hun. Please take care. :hug:

 

[ybt]

pictures can be so painful

 

[Allo..]

:hug:
I'm so proud of you..

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

Thanks :cry:

 

[~Nobody~]

I understand exactly what you mean.

Just the other day my friend decided to 'cheer me up'. She started showing me photographs of us from nearly four years ago when we were on holiday. I managed to hold it together then when she went to sleep I cried silently for hours.

When the pictures were taken I had never been sexually abused. I looked happy. I didn't mind having my picture taken, I can't stand it now. And my legs... were nice looking legs. Now they are ruined forever. I'll never wear shorts like that again.

So yeah, I do it too hon' :hug:.

:blub: x x x