I dont know about posting.. but i'll give it a go.. I went for a walk, just like some people suggested.. firstly i walked to the end of the street and up the other, and stood leaning against the gate of the paddock.. someone had put a bar there so i didnt go in and walk acros like i normally would.. just stood there, for quite a while, let wahtever thoughts i had run through my mind.. i contemplated sitting down but decided against it.. thought about walking aorund the block to the track.. but on my way remembered my swing =) My swing.. our swing.. but no, my swing.. I remember going there =) It was me, Josh, Lily and Josh.. I remember Joshys ball getting stuck in the tree while Josh, Lily and him were playing with it.. Josh climbed up the tree and reached out, as he threw the ball down I remember One of the kids saying "I want you to be our uncle =)" that made me smile.. They liked him.. Lily and Skish got him to play with them that afternoon and he didnt hesitate at all =) He accepted my family as different as one may be at times, he handled them better than i did at times.. I remember the ball going behind a clump of bushes and us both going to get it.. The kids not being able to see us we kissed for the first time since we left home.. heh.. josh.. I remember sitting on the swing together.. and finding the marker and writing "Ally loves Josh 4eva" on the swing.. its still there.. thought faded and the "4eva" is almost gone.. I remember walking back home and Skish finding the skateboard hard to carry and Josh picking it up without a thought =) I miss him.. Anyway, I was sitting on the swing, noticing how they had changed the park.. No more slide.. only one little animal thing.. and theyd swapped the swings around, or so i think. heh, change.. Like this park I have changed too.. Im not the person I was before, and I need to keep changing so I can reach the right place to stop.. I wont know where that is, but it will happen, hopefully through the people around me. I dont know who I am anymore.. I dont know if i'm happy or sad.. I dont know if I'm doing the right thing.. But I will keep going, keep holding on, because I know this is not the end, it will never be the end.. I will live on inside my children, and my childrens children.. as long as the dirt of Sulkava runs through my veins.. I will be here.
I sound like a mother, I'm not. Lily and Josh/Joshy/Skish are my niece and nephew =) I think that is the memory i cherish most of spending time with them.. And Josh is my ex, such a kind guy.. I needed to get that out.. so you heard apart of me..
It's ok to change...even when you feel it's wrong, it doesn't mean that it's not. Maybe you miss Josh alot...if you do, maybe you should chase that dream. Remember that the heart is treacherous...maybe it just needs to be at ease. I know that you have had a rough time..partly my fault...wait, no, all of my fault...Don't let yourself lose control. You're still Ally, even if you've changed. No matter what anyone says, you're still you. you existed, you're Ally. I hope you can get through it...
Thanks Billy.. it means a lot.. Its not so much that i feel its wrong to change.. its that i dont know what im changing into or what im changing from.. I dont miss Josh.. I just miss what we had.. I dont want him back, it just doesnt work like that, and besides 1. Hes going out with a close friend and 2. Hes changed.. maybe more than I have. What ive been through, how iv felt, is not your fault at all, you have helped me with so much and without you i mightnt be here, or at least be a lot worse.. Heh.. Dont let myself loose control.. I did this morning, but i do my best. Thank you Billy, you have no idea how much you mean to me :hug:
You a a really GOOD person ally you have helped me alot in just one day so just image what you can do with the rest of your life. Thank you
