I've come to grips with life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, May 15, 2010.

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  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    And realized this has gone too..............Far

    I'm not sure where to start let me warn you this will be very long and plese me understanding and dont be quick too judge... thank you........ some of you may know me here and hate me, I guess that's life, I'm far from perfect I've burned alot bridges. I know people often get enjoyment out of another's suffering...

    I've been quite antisocial for years for various reasons, I've had a decent amount more than my share of health issues, physical ones and anxiety, even some mental OCD

    I decided to take a chance I was lonely I wanted someone special not to mention sex feels good..Testosterone helped me take a chance

    I'll rewind to about a year ago.. I meet this one girl online on this website POF I'm starting to recover from my CFS type symptoms I open up to her tell her all kinds of personal stuff that could easily be used against me. LIke how in mexico I quit weed dexedrin took a chance and got this horrible lip irriation in and around my mouth and then got somewhat paranoid for a month or two. Never before was I ever paranoid for any decent peroid of time maybe a bit overly suspicious with one genuine GF when I was much younger.

    I recall one night her going to bed at 10:30 I thought oh this seems a bit weird. Later on I find out she has in her phone $500 for anything no condom or condom... from this Italian dude. She also handed me money to put in my wallet one time after stopping home to put her pet away as their was broken glass. She also tried to say she had a miscarriage and needed 500 for the surgery but where I live it's all paid for by the government..

    There's also this Italian girl I was talking to MSN me and her got to chatting a ton she was very flirtatious and pretty much treated me as her best friend. She even said I was her best guy friend. Later I realized this was a form of online bullying... AKA keep ur friends close enemies closer She was just pretending to be my friend and had no intent of actually seeing me in person. I did see her once she called me crying and we met up. She said we would have a "threesome" on my birthday if I didn't have one up until that point. She knew certain websites I was on to meet girls. I won't name them but I had met one or two at that point. Their are tons and tons of msn chat logs here.....

    Next thing you know on one of these sites I meet this lady who's 31 and shows some interest in me. I really liked her and didn't want to screw things up but the reality was she was playing games with me and toying with me, but at the same time was fairly nice. She was pretty much doing this Italian girls dirty work. She would try to turn shit around on me like I wasn't respcting her privacy when she was clearly being turning her phone ringer off and deleting all of her internet history. You know on maury when cheaters just deny deny any wrong doing and almost make thier patner think their crazy for suspecting them...

    She also rarely asked for me to see her or wanted to come see me maybe once or twice a week if that. Their were times I came over and she would just tell me to leave right away like she had someone else coming over.. aka she was brushing her hair...

    I wanted to think maybe my instincts were off about some things but the reality was their were strange things going on. She would say things like when you waste away from HIV who will want you. I would tell her where my friend lived in an apartment building she would be like what floor. SHe was always asking if my car was in the front on the back. The guy who lived behind her with a motorbike was her "protector". The first time at her house she cooked lasagna for me that tasted pretty weird now that I think about it. She also joked about knowing other girls I knew and later admitted when joking around their is often some truth to the statements.

    Another time we went to the movies she knew beforehand which theater and which time when we got their we sat down it appeared as three guys behind me were sort of hawking I noticed her put her hand behind her seat/head and do a subtle wave of acknowledgement type of thing. One time she told me her x asked her to marry her and we should go on a break but not see other people. I really liked her and hadn't been with anyone else despite all these weird happenings. Also she had a shower before the first time we had sex and it was clear her vaginia was fairly open as if she had a good amount of sex shorty beforehand. She also told me she worked teaching piano and drove all around the city doing lessons which was also odd... She also claimed to not know anyone in the city or nor did I ever meet any of her friends.

    At this point I ended up seeing this other girl, who knows the first girl from POF. SHe was fairly nice we had chatted for a while but one time I took her to a movie and it just seemed sketch she was all on her phone texting as soon as we got in the car and inside the theater lobby. Also when we got to the theater as we were about to go in she goes into the washroom then when she comes out I decide to go get some food at the concession stand. With everything that's gone on at this point I'm hypervigilant I noticed 2 guys about to walk into the theater section of the movei theater they see us stop for a second later they walked around the concession area I sort of saw her smile as they crossed into her sight of vision. Then they circled around and a few minutes later they got behind us in line. At this point I was weirded out so I looked at them and then I just walked out of the theater, she followed me. I brought her back to my house when she was in the bed later that night I was looking on her facebook wall and I saw a guy she recently added and it was clearly one of the guys that I saw behind us in the concession line up. I mentioned this to this Italian girl about the guy and she told me she knew that guy, that was added on her facebook we I was all but certain was the guy I saw the guy in the theater he had fairly distinct features... and skater clothing.

    I was on and off with the girl that I really liked she(the one whos said to take a break when her x asked her to marry her)she almost drove me to some insanity as I was on testosterone and it converted to estrogen so I was fairly emotional. I was fickle oh maybe she really does like me or oh maybe my instincts were right about the weird stuff going on. We did have a ton of sex and what not... She would also say remember the good die young, on top of the when you waste away who will want you.

    Regardless some very old friends and aquiatences were coming into my life who I barely knew and it on top of other things had be unsure if I was to trust them or not. As I had some beefs with some of their mutual friends and you know with some people they hate whomever their friend hate you know sort of a gang mentality.

    I had also met this girl on FOB that I had sex with and ejactulated in quite a few times for about 3-4 weeks in a row. Although some stuff seemed sketch I saw in her phone "I'm worried on one these guys is a PI and they'll find out im a slut or something like that" when quesitoned she mentioned how she accused her uncle or something of rape but their weren't even charges at that point. So why in the world would cops be invesigating if shes a slut

    Come my birthday this one guy invites me out to a club (the girl who promised me a threesome is no where to be found) given everything I'm a bit suspicious. As he knows bouncers, bartenders an likely the owner too. The one girl with the movie theater and the concession stand called me that night or said Hi on msn when I hadn't talked to her at least a couple months. It just seemed odd. My one buddy wasn't answering his phone and was sort of non complacant. I end up getting a ride from my pops when I get in the door man follows me in I go up to the guy who invited me, the door man proceeds to pat us both on the back, their were other odd things I felt like I was being mean mugged.. I wont go into other detail but it was definetly very sketchy I was stupid not to leave, I wake up with a broken hand. Given everything I was suspicious. The story I was told didn't add up at all and I know I didn't punch anything in this secluded bathroom at a pizza place, in the bathroom their were hearts all over and other love references.

    This italian girl wrote on her wall on my Bday chase you down until you love me and their were other heart references from other people.

    At this point it's about early december I'm putting the pieces together, even how the one girl I really liked and was on and off with told me what nice hands I had when we first met. The first girl I saw off pop calls me within a week or so of my hand being broken later after looking at her friends list I see she has a mutual friend likely a bouncer with the guy who invited me out.

    I saw a couple other girls once or twice around this time, but I decided to not trust people since everything that's weird that had gone on and I knew I was set up with my hand and drugged even though I didn't go the next day for a urine or blood test so I couldn't prove it( I was in shock and dealing with the pain)

    A week or two into jan the girl who I ejactulated in multiple times tells me she's now pregnant and I'm the father. One time I pick her up and bring her back to my house we hadn't seen each other for over a month. She seemed to have some white stuff in her vagina and in her butt hole and said she needed to have a shower, she also felt looser which was odd since she was pratically virgin tight when we first met up, and she claimed to have only been with me.

    Even before some things seemed weird with her, like picking her up from bingo this guy seemed to be eyeing me at the door. Or when I went into edo japan to get some food she went into the washroom and seemed to be smiling at some guys a few minutes later. I also looked on her FB one time at her and saw all kinds of messages from guys in her inbox even from before we had met up.

    Around this time I noticed on one of my email addresses I hadn't really used I started recieving HIV the holistic cure newsletter emails. I know for a fact I didn't sign up with this and the first email came new years eve 2009.

    I also got tested for HIV around this point as I had been with a few girls and I also was concerned with the emails and what my x had said.

    I become very hypervigilant I also exchanged some rude emails to girl I was on and off with who had met off craigslist. She left me one message if you call text or email me again it will cost you...

    Anyways I just started to get back into my weights after loosing pretty much all of my strength. I just played video games and stayed at home watching tv eating you know.

    Come April my parents went on vacation their were gone about 5 days and they never really understood what had gone on with me not even my brother they just wanted to think I was making something of nothing, has I had some slighty paranoid tendancies in the past like suspecting gfs of cheating when they were genuine. With that said I had good reason to be suspicous of these girls. Even murko whos no longer on here would say how I was in a hooker pyramid.

    I was stupid and I went on craigslist the same site the Italian online bully knew I was on and also the same site I met the on and off girl who was messing with me and saying when you waste away who will want you... I responded with my pics what was stupid I get her # yadda yadda I add her on facebook and go through her friends and mutual friends being the hypervigliant and slightly paranoid guy that I am. I see a few weird connections my bro was like oh its nothing because he never understood or took the time to, he did say use condoms and be safe well this girl I was supposed to meet on saturday she cancels for sunday. I end up going on POF and messaging a few people I noticed this one girl I had been talking to before who I also had her number she comes over that night.

    I recall she goes into my bathroom when she gets into my basement and then I also recall a strong perfume smell on the pillow maybe she had stomach issues I don't know. I put a condom on we have sex she asks to take it off I am like it feels better for u when its off she' slike yeah I'm like ok whatever. THen we have sex a couple times after that and she leaves.

    The next day I meet up with the other girl off Craigslist. She comes over again I put a condom on this time it breaks and it feels better with it off so I Just don't put another one on. We had sex 2-3 more times without a condom I offered her some food she seemed to be looking around my house a bit strangely almost scoping the place out, given she has connections to people who may hate me I'm a bit concerned.

    A day or so later I get a cold sore now I'm concerned maybe I contracted something. A few days later I wake up with severe lymph node pain and an extreme sense of discomfort, and severe fatigue now I'm really worried. On comes diarrhea a rash 2 weeks later my sebborheic dermatitis(nasal folds) gets worse(5% of people without HIV have it and between 34-84% of HIV postive people get it). A severe drop in appetite, which I'm still experiecing now close to 4+ weeks later. Also pain in my hands and feet aka peripheral neuropathy. I could name more symptoms very specific to HIV but I'll spare you guys. I know HIV isn't diagnosed with symptoms but the bottom line is I don't even feel like the same person my nose irritaition is constantly bugging me its very consuming.

    Also around within a week or so of getting symptoms I had told the girls I was with what I was experiecing. The first girl I had met off POF who had called me very soon after I was set up with my hand called me again and sent me a few texts.. She also called me asking for a weed dealer in janurary and this buddy of mine asked about a dealer a day or so later.

    I Just know it's HIV I have to wait to get tested as I have an IgG deficiency very low IgM (almost a deficiency). I got tested 15 days post exposures but with my week immune system theirs no way their would have been detectable HIV antibodys had I contracted it. I should know for sure in a week or two. Please don't just assume I'm being a hypocondraic. The chance of contracting HIV from an infected person for male to female sex is about 1/1000 per sexual act obviously if she recently got infected(20x) or is bleeding for some reason aka on her peroid. So if I have HIV aren't a just a :hazel:

    With the second girl the one I had in my actual room I noticed a week or so later their was some blood on the side and corner area of by bed. Facing the bedside table. The blood had to be from her in some way shape or form as the other girl wasn't in my room and before that the last girl in my room was the one who's pregnant mid jan, and I had clearly changed my sheets since then.

    BOth of these girls claim the last guy they were with unprotected was late feburary and they each claim to have been tested for stds 8-9 and weeks later. If that's true 95-99% of people should have detectable antibodys at that point.

    I'm thinking the one girl of CL may have known she had been infected with HIV(and intentionally didn't get tested so she could claim she didn't know) and they were posting ads fishing for me, finally I got lonely and was a stupid moron( I had plenty off other girls I knew) and I took the bait.

    Now I had so many issues before I was quite hypervigilant even to the point of being paranoid. That doesn't mean that I wasn't messed with if I had slight tendacies to begin with then my head is messed with well of course I'm going to be quite suspicous...

    BUt now I just feel so horrible the fatigue is intense and my seborrheic dermatitis around my nose is pretty much constatly bugging me it's just to waht waht degree.. I keep thinking about how stupid I was for that one weekend and how I should have known to avoid that site.... I had been hypervigilant and tried to avoid any games for a few months, it just took one slip up I figured maybe I'm being overly suspicious I need to girl people a shot....

    Well now in all likelyhood I have HIV its a very real possibility I was intentionally given the virus because people hate me that much. and even then it will be extemely hard if not impossible to prove she meant to do that if she hadn't had a positive test before. WHo knows if she actually got tested when she claimed to have for all I know her friend could have gone for her... I mean it's possible the other girl infected me as a few things do seem sketch with her too...

    and please just don't assume I'm being paranoid or a hypocondraic this stuff isn't that far fetched... and I'm not exagerrating my symptoms they match up with HIV from, from a hairy leukoplakia tongue to molluscum contagiscum extreme fatigue, severe loss of appetite....

    if someone deems you've wrecked peoples life's intentionally or not and havent been punished for it they may go this length. Sure you might say why don't they just kick your ass or kill you... then an obvious crime is done
    they would get more enjoyment If they fuck with your head and infect with you HIV that will make you suffer for the rest of your life...

    Yeah I've done some bad things and likely caused people all sorts of issues. I can't say I was malice in my intentions maybe slightly but they were mostly heat of the moment kind of acts... wrecking anyones life isn't something to be happy or proud of..

    At this point I'm not sure if want to live my life like this... even the simplest things are hard to enjoy..... and I very well may be father...

    With the mother if I am the dad I would have really liked to trust her and possibly build something but after everything weird going on I had to go with my gut, as some things seemed weird.
  2. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    Sorry about the length I needed to get that out man I was so stupid especially 5 weeks ago with these girls. It may sound like I'm being a hypocondriac but These symptoms are very severe due to my naturally weak immune system I just know it's HIV.

    Also alot of that may sound like I'm being paranoid with those girls but the bottom line is it's not hard for a few to get together to mess with someone it's not like their were dozens and dozens of girls over years this happened...

    Again thank you for anyone taking the time to read and understand and not be quick to judge because it sounds far fetched them doing this to me or me having HIV the reality is it did happen and I'd be pleasently shocked and suprised if it was something else...

    One of these girls likely had acute symptoms yet they didn't care about doing this to me I couldn't live with myself if I even suspected I had HIV yet still had unprotected sex and transfered it to an unsuspecting person. Seriously I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
  3. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm so mad at myself for letting this happen sure it's very likely I got set up but I still could have avoided it......

    The last thing i needed was to feel horrible 24/7 physically I already had enough of an uphill battle in order to succeed at life.
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