Ive decided... (triggering?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dark&lone, Jul 25, 2010.

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  1. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    ive decided that I can't keep on going through the same old shit to get the same shit happening time and time again.. tuesday is the day... decided...yes I am scared but Im petrified of living.. so my fear of failure is minumal to the fear of living...
    I do have desire to get help yet my desire to die is too grand for me to overcome any last pride of asking help.. ive wasted enough peoples time and energy for the last 6 years I need to follow through with my plans...

    sorry if this upsets anyone or breaks any rules...
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    PLEASE DONT DO ANYTHING. Tell us why things are this bad. Tell us the whole story. Im praying for you and I hope you do too. After fighting so lang dont give up please. We can and will help you,there is hope and we can find it together please. PLEASE STAY. Let it all out through writing and then we can make a plan and turn ot around. PLEASE believe me it can be done. Lets start a new life for you today!!!! PLEASE

    Write me if you like,

  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi dark. Please don't kill yourself on tuesday. This is a horrible plan. You want a solution to your problems, but you really don't want to end your life. There has to be a better way. Please talk to us and don't give up. :hug:
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    What's happened, to lead you to this point, dark? Talking about it, even online, might help you deal with it.
  5. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    My whole life has been about sex to men, abusing and destroying me. I cant prosecute any of them as there is no evidence anymore. Im an addict who destroyed eveyone around me and ended up homeless. I am now in a half way house but these thoughts, these thoughts are NOT normal, Ive had them since I was 9. I just want them to stop and thats the only way they will. My life so far has been shit, and its going that way again. I have to go to hospital today and be checked for breast cancer... Im 20... its scary especially as its a bloke doing it as he is the only doctor on the Island. I dont trust men, (no offence) i have many friends of men but I dont trust any of them enough to be intimate. How can I deal with this.
    I feel like I am going to explode all of the time and that if I dont end it soon Im going to hurt someone else, and I dont want to do that. Im not nasty unless Im drinking...
    If anyone can think of any soloutions to all this shit please let me no..
    Ive had pyschritry help for the last 6 years, Ive been in rehab twice, Ive been sectioned in nut houses several times... what else can people do for me??? Nothing????
  6. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    If you don't trust men then attempt to push yourself away from men as a whole (Intimate wise, I mean). If you're comfortable with your male friends, then just be that. Comfortable and nothing more. The only way you're going to get away from people who abuse and/or use you is to completely rid them from your life. Yes, I know, it's a lot harder than it sounds, but with the right mind set comes the will power to do.

    Thoughts of suicide are normal, believe it or not. Evey person, it doesn't matter if they're just turning fifteen or if they're nearly sixty. They've at least had one suicidal thought that pushed itself into their mind, but with different people comes different ways of coping. Humans cope and adapt differently than other people, but what I can say is that acting on these thoughts is what isn't in the general statement of 'normal'. There is something you can do, you just haven't found what is right for you to fix your current problems.

    A suggestion to dealing with the doctor visit is telling him your discomfort before hand. I'm not sure if that will help, but I'm sure trying would be better than hiding blatant discomfort.

    Other people can only try so much, and offer so much. The only way you can help yourself is if you meet people half way, if you don't have the mindset of wanting everything better (I'm sure you do, but sometimes people trick their subconscious into thinking that they can never be happy and that is exactly what happens.) Then everything will stay the same and all the help you've received will be rendered moot.

    I'm sorry if I'm coming off as condescending, I don't mean to sound that way if I do. It's late and I really am trying to help.
  7. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    If you're not comfortable with the doctor doing the breast exam, then maybe you could ask for another nurse, or woman, to be in the same room while he does it, if that would help with the anxiety.

    The only thing I can really suggest (not that I have any authority on your life, I'm not claiming to know what you're going through--hope that makes sense) is that you take a look at everything you normally do, and try doing the opposite. Sets of your actions repeated themselves and resulted in you being where you're at, and it's a matter of identifying and changing those actions. Not in some kind of new-years-resolution-let's-change-all-at-once kind of way, but a slow progression towards change that goes as quickly as you are comfortable going.

    As far as I can tell, what you've been doing up until now has not been working. For one reason or another (whether it be abuse or your environment) you've learned how to cope with life using a set of rules that have failed. Try adjusting the rules to something different- adjusting the way you respond to the world to something different. But I think most importantly, right now, adjust the way you respond to yourself. No matter what you've done, not done, been through, etc. it won't go away, and continuing to allow it to have control of your life is only feeding the pain. I am by no means qualified to say this, other than through my own experiences, but if you want the pain to stop, you're going to have to take back the control from those experiences. Take back control of yourself, no matter how difficult it is. Remember that you have limits, and work within them, but no matter what, don't stop working.

    Being alive and making slow progress towards something different is far better than being dead and not having anything to show for it. You see, when you're alive, you always have the potential to be whatever you want to be (as cheesy as that sounds) because you have the time to do so. When you die, that potential is stripped away (unless you believe in some religion that states otherwise).

    I really hope this helps, somehow. Just try to stay alive and kickin' through this Tuesday, then through Wednesday, and Friday, and next Sunday, and on and on. See what comes of it, see what happens, and try to do things a bit differently each day until you find something that works. Good luck, and I hope to see you back here posting again on Wednesday. Maybe you can use this site as a practice-ground for different ways of interfacing with people? Who knows, but stick it out, and we'll see, won't we? I would also suggest reading, that has helped me out immensely, there's a lot of information out there for anyone with an internet connection or access to a library.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 26, 2010
  8. dark&lone

    dark&lone Well-Known Member

    heya guys. I didnt do anything last night, I spoke to my pyschritrist and she got me admitted to hospital for the night just to keep me safe. I feel like a failure and a f*** up because I can never go through with ANYTHING and I just fail at anything. I have to report 3 weekly to my pyschritrist, and if I have these thoughts I have to phone her. I feel so weak and pathetic, but I guess at least Im still around for a bit longer...
    Thanks for all the support guys. Its been nice to know that people understand...
  9. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    We understand and we love you.
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi dark. I'm glad to hear that you're okay, at least for now. I'm sorry to hear that men have abused you in the past, but we're not all like that. Some of us are really nice people. I hope that your breast exam comes back clean. Please don't give up hope. I'm sure that you'll find a nice guy to love you eventually. :hug:
  11. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    don't give up. you keep pressing on.
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