One word comes to my mind that describes how I feel. Defeated. I've been through most of the treatments that is available to me except ECT. That was offered to me but I changed my mind while I was going through the workup at the hospital for ECT. My roomate at the hospital was going through ECT and he would cry every night becasue he couldn't remember things. He was getting better, but the process was horrible. Yes, I know that might not happen to me. The multiple trials of medications was not working, but I did not give up. After 3 years of trying so many different antidepressants I lost many months of being in a fog or the side effects was too much. I didn't know it at the time, but any SSRI's made me suicidal. I got so bad that my doctor stopped it. My body was not taking the side effects as a normal person. I would have the "rare or less common" side effects no matter what dosage. I admit that I'm not disclosing everything to my doctor when asked about suicidal urges. She does trust me, but I know if I tell her what I've done, she would legally have no choice in placing me in the hospital. The problem is when I get home from the hospital. I become more suicidal. Now I feel I have only two options. Hospital or deal with this myself. Although I haven't done well on my own, I feel I can decide my outcome. If this fails, it will only be my own fault. I know that I need to get better at dealing with the suicidal behavior or it will finally be over. I know that many that are here on this site is feeling hopeless and want it to stop. The problem is the final option is beginning to look like a better option. I feel like I can help others, but I can't help myself. I apologize to those who I communicated with. I don't want anyone to die. ....I hope they will give me some credit for still being here.