ive dreaded this day where the pull is so strong

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by misspassenger, May 8, 2009.

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  1. misspassenger

    misspassenger Member

    My life is over now, iputting it off and offf becase im a mother but im no use to them now.... i used to be great and mobile . I used to be a good person till i met their dad. he took every bit of self esteem away from me. And liked to make other people look bad so he can look good. Well hes won now and now im just an angry person for letting him get away with it. With the help from my dad as a child. I've been mkaing people hate me and doing things to make me hate myself now so i wll have the reasons to do it. I now do. I dont like whats hapened to the world...and dont think i'll ever redeem myself back to the waay i was. I can't even leave my house so am useless to my kids. They are better off wihout me as much as i have fort to stay alive daily for them and have only been here for them, otherwise i have gone way before. When i wake i wake thinking oh no im still here another day of dissappointing them and everyone else. I will try all i can to stop these thoughts for thembut today i feel im being pulled. I know i am a good person and shouldnt have let the dominant vile aggresive people in my life lead me to hate myself and believe what tthey say but my mum does too and i see that part of her in me. I was always determined as was for a while to not get treatedby a man the way my dad treats her ...... i failed... my dad alwys said i was a failure aand he was right now wasnt he.... i was to blame for most things as a child. So i tried to be like these pople because they were always getting on well in life... how do they sleep at night its just not something i can do. He will carry on bullying her. They will both carry on being aagressive angry alcoholics. i want too faall asleep and never wake up... but never want to leave my children ...they are my world but i dont know what to do for the best. They ar gonna start to believe false ttruthes.this is pathetic. not to mention i feel physically ill everyday and none know why. Have done since early life. Frustration. I was planning on drinking and taking clonasepam dont know hw many i would need... aand readin this just makes me seem more pathetic. I dont want them to be motherless, they are soooooooo special so ill keep fighting to stay on this earth i hope. Have done for years...like a constant battle but youre fighting yourseelf everyday. Karma doesnt seem to exist cuz the bullies seem to always prevale andd be happy
  2. misspassenger

    misspassenger Member

    ive just been told noon wantts me around and i should go. good job
  3. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    Hi MissP, Congratulations on having the courage to stand up and speak your mind. I love the determination that you possess, the "so ill keep fighting to stay" is inspiring. And the core belief you have, "I know i am a good person " shows that you realise the events that have engulfed you do NOT define you.

    Here is my opinion...
    Alcoholics, bullies, etc, are NOT happy, that's why they are like they are. Bullies have low self esteem, which they don't consciously realise. Their auto-pilot makes them do things. If you sat them down in a quiet moment they really couldnt answer what they were thinking of to make them do it. They cant help it.

    People saying you were a failure as a child, and even now, are just bullies. Simple. The only way they can feel better is to pull someone else down. And anyone putting down a child is a psychological child abuser. NEVER EVER is there any fairness in treating a child like that. You have been wronged and it was not fair.

    But now you have a chance. You now know that all those people have lower self esteem than you. Each has there own way of expressing their pain. True courage is defying the common, accepted, opinion. You have proven you have courage by your persistence and perseverance.

    Your self-esteem was stolen from you. Now, steal it back! It's yours - take it whenever you want it.

    When you are insulted and ridiculed it may feel hard to deflect, yet, have pity on them for they dont know any better.

    Go do something for yourself. The best parent you can be is to not fall for the trap set by others. Become a beacon of inspiration. Change what you need to change. A mother bird does not maintain it's strength by feeding it young first. Look after yourself and you will be able to look after others better. Life is a paradox. The answer is often not where you think it will be....example, feeling pity for the bullies.

    They cant be something they are not unless they are shown the way. Someone needs to change first. There is only one person in this story that sounds like they have the courage and resiliance. Sounds like you.
  4. misspassenger

    misspassenger Member

    thank you what a lovely reply and way with words. Thankk you so much:hugtackles:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey MP,
    Welcome to the forum!! You have shown you have strength by reahing out here.. You are stronger than you think.. Have you checked your area for shelters or some kind of help getting your own place?? You don't have to take that abuse from anyone.. You are a human being with thoughts and feelings..
    You need to let go of the past, there is nothing you can do to change it.. Try and hold on to your positive thoughts so when you have a negative one you can push it aside and think back to the positive one.. This gets easier the more you use it..
    Are you getting any kind of mental health treatment and support?? I highly recommend a therapist..They can teach you coping skills and how not to discount the positive thoughts.Do what ever it takes to keep fighting for a better future..I know how it feels to be as low as you are now..I have been there but once I let go of the past my life turned around with the help of meds and my therapist who I have been seeing for four years now..I wish you all the best.. Take Care!!!
  6. misspassenger

    misspassenger Member

    thank you again... im not with him i just cant bare having to see him or the way he still speaks to me i will try...once you hear youre this youre that thats all i hear. im trying to meditate at mo and am trying to come of clonasepam with keeps making me miini convulse... its unbearable. It was just for my anxiety nervousness. Its hard knowing you have tosee these two people for the rest of the childrens lives for them... but i have but i cant see my dad ever again. i become that scared bullied child every time. I just want someone to talkto.

    Happy its worked for you:)

    thaks for replying
  7. misspassenger

    misspassenger Member

    i think i got with the father of my children because he was 17 years older and i was young, i felt looked after at first... or maybe its me and i atract trouble. both controlling ... yet i must give off weakness. Anyway i m bored of talking about myself... its boring
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