I've failed all of you...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Brandon Kwon, Mar 16, 2016.

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  1. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    As I lay here in my bed once again, I want to cry but I just can't...The demons...The voices in my head never let me have a moment's peace. "You pathetic loser" they whisper. "What kind of girl would ever love a waste of genetics like you?" They add...God, please, make it stop...People here have tried to help me, but I've failed them, despite everything I just want death, my life and my mind are just so broken I don't have the will to try and piece it all back together. I fucked up...I fucked up so bad...I made a few stupid decisions and now I'm stuck in a hole. I've tried to climb out but I can't, I always slip back down.

    Why can't I start my life over? Change those few decisions...I feel terrible, I've let down everyone here. I've failed everyone...I should never have asked for help in the first place, I knew I wouldn't be able to be helped.

    There is no love for me...There is no peace for me...There never will be until I die. I have no will...No patience...I don't deserve peace, how can anyone help someone with no will and no patience? You can't. I can't help myself. I've no desire to even try anymore. All I desire is death, all I want is to end this failed attempt at a life I made for myself. I hate myself so goddamn much, I hate my life, I hate how I feel every day...

    I just want something to remove the pain, just for a day...But there is no removing the pain without a lot of work and effort...I have no desire and no energy to even try...
  2. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    I've just logged out of the forum, but I had to come back after reading this. I don't know what you need
    right now, but If you want to talk feel free to message me, I'll stay around here a little longer. That being said, I haven't given up on you,
    even though I don't really know you. You're not failing anyone, we all know that living with a depression is like a ride with a roller coaster,
    and you're down right now. You don't need to apologize for feeling that way.
    CandleLight likes this.
  3. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    To be honest...*I* don't even know what I need anymore. I just need...Relief...I guess. I just need to feel like I'm not a complete fuck-up. I'm not a complete failure and I just need to have one day where my mind doesn't try to tear itself apart.

    I still feel like I've failed everyone who's tried to help me...
  4. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    No you haven't failed us, and I have no problem to type this like a hundred times, cause it's true, you just can't see it at the moment.
    These voices inside your head are lying to you. You're neither pathetic, nor a loser, nor will you never be loved by anyone.
    CandleLight likes this.
  5. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    But then what do you call someone who despite getting help from so many people is still complaining about the same bullshit problems?

    I know they're lying, but when you get beat down by these demons 24/7 for years you kind of give up the will to fight them anymore.
  6. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    I guess you're still complaining about the same problems because they haven't been solved for you yet. It's as simple as that, don't feel bad
    because you are in a phase in which you need our support right now, after all that's what we're here for. A big issue for you at the moment
    seems to be the feeling that no one could ever love you. May I ask what makes you feel this way? You don't need to answer if that's
    too private for you.
    CandleLight likes this.
  7. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    I guess that makes sense

    As for feeling this way...It's because I'm a boring, uninteresting, socially inept fuck. Like seriously, what do I have that any woman would want? I have no money, I'll be in college for the next 4+ years. I have no mode of transportation. I have no desire to ever even drive a motor vehicle because I simply do not like cars. So what else is there? My looks? Cause I sure as fuck ain't got those. So basically any girl who dates me gets a boring, ugly-ass guy who can't take her on dates.

    Jesus Christ why am I allowed to live?
  8. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    I don't think you're boring. When you're in college right now, it's no wonder that you haven't got much money. And money doesn't even matter.
    That you're in college shows that you still have ambitions and goals in life and that you're smart, many don't even make it this far. And as for the car,
    I am completely with you, I have a driver's license and a car that I share with my sister but after studying abroad in Asia and not driving for a while
    I recognized that I'm better off without a car anyways, it had always just made me sick when someone told me I had to drive him somewhere because
    I simply hate driving, no matter if everyone else around me loves it, I don't and that's okay. Public transport is better for the environment anyways.
    And I don't think we can rely on your own description of your looks right now, I'm sure it's just the depression making you feel ugly and not loveable.

    And you know what? For many girls, personality matters way more than material goods. And that you have a nice personality is clear to everyone
    here, you're participating here on the forum and trying to support others. I've always found that people with a mental illness, despite of their depression,
    are the most friendly and wonderful people there are, and this forum just confirms my findings. It's just society stigmatizing this illness.
    CandleLight likes this.
  9. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    Where the hell are all the women like you? 90% of all the single women I've known seem to think how much money a man makes is one of the most important things in a relationship. I mean, yeah I have goals and ambitions, I guess.

    FINALLY SOMEONE RELATES! Holy fuck. I've spent the last 6 years of my life surrounded by people nagging me about how important driving is and how much I NEED a driver's license, including half my family telling me I will never find a girlfriend if I don't have a car and a license.

    Well I don't think it's the depression since many women have blatantly told me I'm ugly.

    I dunno where the fuck these girls exist at but they don't live around here, that's for goddamn sure...Well that and all the ones around here that probably do think that way are all taken.

    I dunno if I'm all that friendly and/or wonderful honestly. Because I have to live with myself 24/7 and quite honestly most of the time I just want to kill me. Or at least punch me in the face. I don't really think I'd be friends with me.
  10. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    When you're living in a larger city, there is no need for a car at all. But most importantly, even if you lived in a small village,
    if you don't like driving and it stresses you, you shouldn't need any justification for not wanting to do it. It's just so common
    to drive a car as an adult that everyone automatically assumes you would want to do that too when you're grown up.

    Well, I have experienced it myself that many Asian women tend to have more conservative views when it comes down to what to expect of a man,
    but I'm sure there are exceptions, you just haven't found them yet. And if you're in college, aren't there any foreign students? They may view
    things differently.

    You're the one with the depression, of course it makes you think that you are unworthy and it makes you dislike yourself. It's because you are
    way too critical about yourself. I assume you would never be this critical about someone else.
  11. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    I shouldn't need justification, but even with justification my family still forces me to try and get my license.

    And I prefer Asian women, lucky me...And I'm not in college yet. I start in the summer. I doubt there are any foreign students though. No foreign student is going to transfer to this dumpy-ass little hodunk city. And certainly not this shitty little college I'm going to.

    I guess so. And depends on the person, really...
  12. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Didn't you write in another thread that you are quite tall (could also have been somebody else, sorry in this case)? Should be a plus for many Asian women.
    And if you prefer Asians anyway, it's also not important whether there are any foreign students at your apparently rather small college.

    I know it's hard to stand up for yourself when the whole family seems to be against you, but remember it's your life, you should live it your way.
    Have you ever told them why you don't want a car and a driver's license?
  13. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    Yeah I'm 6'2" I hope it's a plus for Asian women, because if I manage to live long enough to finish college then I'm moving to South Korea.
    I guess?

    Yep. I've told them many times why I don't, they don't give a shit, they want me to get a driver's license anyway, and they incessantly nag me to do it.
  14. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    Well, then it's their wasted money. My grandma wanted to pay for everything, I also wasn't into it, and now it's her loss, not mine. I told
    everyone that I wasn't into cars and driving in the first place.

    And trust me, your height will be a plus.
  15. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    Guess so. They can waste their money if they want.

    Well that's something then...
  16. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    I hope you're feeling a little better now?
  17. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    A little.
  18. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    I just want to pipe up, I do not drive either. Never have, and I'm 36. I used to feel bad about it, like I was lazy. But it turns out I have a disability that would make me an unsafe driver. Not everyone needs to operate a darn car. So I hope that makes you feel a little better. I know you wouldn't make fun of me for my disability that would make it impossible to drive safely. So please have compassion for yourself, as well. Just like Lady SB said, the environment likes fewer cars on the road anyway. :)
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