Ever since I graduated from high school, I've failed at everything I set out to do. Sure, I got a college degree and lost a lot of weight, but those were only the means to ends which were never realized. My college degree never helped me get a job. I'm sick of being unemployed and living at home, supported by my parents. If I had a job I'd still probably live with them, but I would pay my own way all the time and give them gifts at Christmas and on birthdays and Mother's/Father's Day and pay them rent and I wouldn't feel like such a mooch and a waste of resources and a failure. In the years since I graduated from high school, I have never been employed for an entire year. All of my applications to places like Wal-Mart, Target, McDonald's, Wendy's, The Home Depot, and so on were ignored; I was never even given a job interview. The few jobs I did get only lasted a few weeks each because they were temporary jobs, and even those I couldn't get on my own--my father arranged them for me through his own contacts. I wanted so much to have a steady job while in college and could never get one. The careers I chose for myself never worked out. I originally intended to become a Catholic priest in a religious order with a vow of poverty and serve the poorest of the poor, but I was rejected because of my poor mental health and my lack of friends. I was abused throughout high school and never fully recovered from it, so I was very depressed at the time and still am now. When I was rejected for the priesthood, I decided to become a teacher and even took classes towards it, but my state's requirements make it very expensive to achieve the requirements to teach, and I couldn't get an internship. I was so distressed by the expense I put my parents through that I would literally shake with anxiety every time I thought about it and had even planned my own death, but somehow did not do myself in. When I started college I lost weight. I was at one time more than 320 pounds and now I'm about 155 which makes the outline of my ribs visible when my shirt is off, giving me a curvy appearance. I committed myself to losing the weight so that I'd be healthier and respect myself more and more easily make friends, but I'm still too reserved and private and distrustful of others that I still haven't made any friends. I've never even had a girlfriend, but that's at least partly intentional--I don't intend to date until I'm financially stable, if ever. I'm such a failure that even though I lost all that weight I have constant back and knee pains! I feel like an old man and I'm only 26. I've been in college for eight years and now I'm working on a new degree, this time in accounting. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get a job in that. Right now I just feel nothing but self-hatred and I secretly wish that I'd get in a car accident or have a heart attack or die in my sleep or something because I can't end myself.