I've failed at everything

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Athnys, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. Athnys

    Athnys Well-Known Member

    Ever since I graduated from high school, I've failed at everything I set out to do. Sure, I got a college degree and lost a lot of weight, but those were only the means to ends which were never realized.

    My college degree never helped me get a job. I'm sick of being unemployed and living at home, supported by my parents. If I had a job I'd still probably live with them, but I would pay my own way all the time and give them gifts at Christmas and on birthdays and Mother's/Father's Day and pay them rent and I wouldn't feel like such a mooch and a waste of resources and a failure.

    In the years since I graduated from high school, I have never been employed for an entire year. All of my applications to places like Wal-Mart, Target, McDonald's, Wendy's, The Home Depot, and so on were ignored; I was never even given a job interview. The few jobs I did get only lasted a few weeks each because they were temporary jobs, and even those I couldn't get on my own--my father arranged them for me through his own contacts. I wanted so much to have a steady job while in college and could never get one.

    The careers I chose for myself never worked out. I originally intended to become a Catholic priest in a religious order with a vow of poverty and serve the poorest of the poor, but I was rejected because of my poor mental health and my lack of friends. I was abused throughout high school and never fully recovered from it, so I was very depressed at the time and still am now.

    When I was rejected for the priesthood, I decided to become a teacher and even took classes towards it, but my state's requirements make it very expensive to achieve the requirements to teach, and I couldn't get an internship. I was so distressed by the expense I put my parents through that I would literally shake with anxiety every time I thought about it and had even planned my own death, but somehow did not do myself in.

    When I started college I lost weight. I was at one time more than 320 pounds and now I'm about 155 which makes the outline of my ribs visible when my shirt is off, giving me a curvy appearance. I committed myself to losing the weight so that I'd be healthier and respect myself more and more easily make friends, but I'm still too reserved and private and distrustful of others that I still haven't made any friends. I've never even had a girlfriend, but that's at least partly intentional--I don't intend to date until I'm financially stable, if ever. I'm such a failure that even though I lost all that weight I have constant back and knee pains! I feel like an old man and I'm only 26.

    I've been in college for eight years and now I'm working on a new degree, this time in accounting. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get a job in that. Right now I just feel nothing but self-hatred and I secretly wish that I'd get in a car accident or have a heart attack or die in my sleep or something because I can't end myself.
  2. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I'm 34 and no better. No job. Threw my life away. No care in the world. Irresponsible. Nobody wants to hear my name or see me. I'm an eyesore, a mindsore, the kind of thing everyone wishes was out of sight, out of mind. So I know where you're coming from. But I think you have to keep a positive attitude and remember that somewhere out there somebody has it worse than you do. That everyone who is successful had to start from birth just like you. Life isn't over until we submit ourselves to our end. If we choose not to surrender then there's still a chance. If you're trying to do better, people are more likely to forgive you and look past your faults. Keep that in mind when you think about how long you've been in school and when you wonder if others are growing tired of seeing you again and again.

    I know what it's like to wake up and think about all of the people dead and dying that you have known and know. All of the things you haven't done. All of the things you should have done. All of the regret. The false hopes. The endless back and forth.

    I wish you all the best. Getting better is no easy task. It's like climbing up from a deep dark hole, tempted to let go.

    There're countless other Athnys. Some gave up sooner. Some later. Some succeeded. Some were heroes. I don't know which Athny you will be. But remember something more: what you think becomes you. So be careful what you think.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2011
  3. Athnys

    Athnys Well-Known Member

    ...but I am responsible and careful, and I haven't willingly thrown my life away (though much of it seems wasted).

    It's just that, despite my best efforts, very little has gone my way over the past eight years.
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hey! :) I admire your diligence and hope other opportunities will come up in the future as a result of your best efforts.

    Health and happiness,

  5. Comrade Napoleon

    Comrade Napoleon Well-Known Member

    Your story is fairly identical to mine. I understand you mean. I couldn't even find a job either and I haven't had a girlfriend either. Also, I am about the same age.

    Only difference, I never completed college because I was so discouraged and unmotivated with no friends in college. I have lost lots of weigh compared to how much I weigh. I hate that I can't find any job and resorted to learn how to count cards and play games of risk at the black jack tables in casinos to survive.

    so I know what you mean and you will find lots of people here you would be able to related. and sometimes it good to vent to a stranger who would understand.
  6. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I never willingly threw my life away either, but that's what it amounts to. Deep down when you push away the muck and grime, what you see is that I don't really want anything out of this life. Since I have no true desires, no true goals, no visions, then of course I'm going to sit on my rear end. And nothing is going to come to me for free, life isn't that way, so I'm going to bitch about it. Ideally, there'd be a god that could wipe away people like me that no longer have a care in the world, but we live in a society where people try to help each other and there's a lot of love too. I have people who love me, but I don't appreciate it and don't deserve it either.

    I want you to succeed. I hope by seeing some of me you can see some of yourself and try to figure out how to cleanse it. I can't offer you answers because I'm probably worse off than you. I can only remind you of the things you do not want to become.

    But I will share a bit of wisdom from the other day that crossed my mind. I think that sometimes answers are unclear, and they always will be. All our books, our papers, our formulas, our expectations, our habits, our skills, they're NOTHING! They can't fix it. Sometimes - and it's not predictable - you have to drop all of it to the floor and step outside into the chaos and just accept whatever comes your way and live dangerous. There's no way to know if that's what's needed, but sometimes it is the only answer.

    I wish you all the best. But I don't believe in luck. I don't know WTF is up with why I feel the need to always say something like this to others. Wish you well! GL! Keep it going! WTG! It's kind of pathetic. It can't help you. It's more for me than you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2011