I've fallen and I can't get up.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rx4brdm, Aug 16, 2009.

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  1. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Suicide has been a thought in my mind ever since i got outta high school, dam that was a long time ago. It's had it's ups and downs, but just in the past couple weeks got worse.

    The trench is getting deeper and deeper, 'cuz of events that happened just before christmas, I cant get these thoughts outta my head. Just made a draft of an email to my best friend that i can send when the time comes and ways to do it! :hieveryone:
  2. Lina

    Lina Member

    You are not alone. I'm going through this, too! Through high school, the thought was in and out of my head, but never anything serious. But the last couple of weeks have been hell! I just can't get it out of my head...

    But don't give up, my friend! I know that if I went through with it, it would hurt a lot of people, and make a lot of people feel guilty...now, I can't do that. Think about what your friend might feel when he/she gets that email...?? Instead, why don't you talk to her/him, tell them how you are feeling...ask for help. It might surprise you how they care about you.

    Sorry, I feel like I'm just giving advice to myself at the same time. I'm the person who least should be giving advice here, but I really want to make it through. I hope you make it through as well...you aren't alone!!! If anything, PM me. :) Maybe we can be help to each other. Be strong!
  3. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    The problem is telling him what happened to me and me admitting to holding these issues in for 26 years when the first incidence occurred.

    I did not realize how bad the incidence that happened in my childhood would get to where it is now. I mean, thoughts of it just did not come back into my head til after i graduated high school. Now that the recent medical issues came back, it just seems like everything that has happened in the past has piled up and dumped on me all at once.
  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Hey there, welcome to the forum.

    Would you like to tell us a little bit more about why you are feeling so bad? It sounds like you've been through some trauma and its natural to be suffering like this when something so painful has happened. But there are resources out there to help you, and of course, we're always here to listen and offer what advice we can!
  5. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    what makes you think you won't be able to find happiness anymore.
  6. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    I'd rather not go into details now about what happened in childhood, but...

    After graduating from H.S. I began having problems w/ epilepsy, it had always been a problem but almost never showed thru childhood. I had gone away to a boarding school in AZ for my senior year, everything seemed all good and dandy after i graduated. But then the shit hit the fan. The epilepsy started up again, all rite for awhile, but living w/ my mother and stepfather became hell after he was forced into early retirement. You know, the same old thing every kid goes thru, "when I was a kid....".

    Well it wasn't gonna work, due to uncontrollable seizures, even when taking enough meds for someone that would be more than 5x my size! I was 200 lbs. then so picture that, lol. I had good friends and everything that looked past my medical issues, but that not possible w/ my step dad, who had become an uncontrollable alcoholic. Thankfully Mom chose me over my step dad and they got a divorce.

    Sorry bout the length of this, but it helps me.

    Finally, in 2001 after going thru 4 doctors w/ no resolution, I finally get sent to the head neurologist. After doing testing, etc. He asked me how I felt 'bout brain surgery. Immediate response from me, lets do it. Mom was kinda surprised by me making a decision that quick, lol. So after surgery and a 4 week headache 100x worse than any I had ever had in my life. The problem was taken care of. And I could get my drivers license for the first time at 28 y/o. Always been a car freak so this was like my best dream come true.:victory:

    Anyways back in December, the seizures returned, my license was suspended. :cry: And I had to quit the job I had been working for 5 yrs. The owners of the business have been my friends for about 30 yrs. so they understood and I had to move back in w/ family.

    I don't see a way out of this hole, the only skills I have r doing machining. And the way the economy I cant get a job anyways. It just all piled up and I don't see a way out. Then as you know, you start thinking bout 1 bad thing in your life and then the others just pile on top. I don't think I can take this much longer. I ignored every1 today and locked myself in my room today and just about cried.

    Thankfully I got the wisdom of 1 man on my side as shown below.
  7. rx4brdm

    rx4brdm Well-Known Member

    Well I must wear this mask, just two more days. I will get the house cleaned up and move my furniture. Help clean the window frames so the guys can come in and replace the windows on ours and the landlords house. After that my help will no longer be needed and I can end this misery.

    Maybe I'll talk to u all again, maybe I won't...
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