I've felt like this for as long as I can remember.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Surely Not, Jun 29, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    I really cannot handle it anymore. I remember thinking about suicide when I was seven. I tried to kill myself a few months ago. It was my first attempt, and it failed. When I woke up and realized that I was still alive, I felt worse than ever.

    I'm young. I know this. I'm seventeen. But I don't think how I feel would change unless I change everything about myself. I feel so numb all of the time.

    I've been in three separate mental institutions for stays up to a month. None of them made any difference. I've been in therapy off and on for five years. I've been on and off medication. Nothing changed.

    I'm just tired of it all. I don't think that my problems are unique or that I'm unfixable, but I don't want to feel better anymore. I just want to die.

    I just can't think of any way that is accessible to me. I have spent so much time thinking about this.

    I've never wavered in my decision to die. I really think it's time that I followed through.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Odd you say you do not think you are unfixable. You are further along then you realize. The path to being happy is never an easy one. I struggle everyday to fix myself. I believe I will be happy again. I just need to be patient. There is no safe overnight cure. There is no permanent solution. In the end we all have to make it work. Even those who seem to be in bliss or have a talent for living life.

    Embrace the change friend sometimes we have to lose ourselves in order to find our happiness. I am giving up all my safety zones, slowly but surely, I am starting to feel better. In short bursts but they are there.

    Stay strong you will find what you are looking for if you open up.
  3. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    But I don't want to be happy anymore. I don't see the point in living.

    And if I did want to live, I don't want to lose myself. If I start changing, then I'm opening myself up to self-esteem issues.

    I just cannot see myself being happy in any life.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Surely Not. Everyone is fixable. No one is un-fixable. You just have to put time and energy in if you want to improve your life. Overcoming depression is possible, but it sure isn't easy. Depression is not a death sentence. It's a horrible disorder. Please don't give up. :hug:
  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I just said a prayer for you. You are such a strong soul. You don't even know what a fantastic person you are to have endured so much so young.

    The fact that you have been through so much tells me that you can accomplish anything. What a great person you are and will be.

    You are so strong and wise beyond your years.Life will never be more difficult than it is now I bet and look how you have made it through!!!! I admire you for your courage and tenacity. You will make it through this and go on to be an amazing person!!!!

    Whatever you want to accomplish in life I bet you can. Because you have endured things than many never do and have weathered so many storms.

    WE NEED YOU HERE DESPERATELY. Please stay and help us and offer us your wisdom too!

    Everyone here loves and cares about you!!!! I am proud to write you becaue you are so strong and such a good person. Life is always hardest on the very best people!!!!

    Write me anytime,

  6. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Marty.

    I just don't know if I actually have gone through a lot. I've basically gone through depression my whole life and an occurance of molestation at an early age. Lots of people go through that and never want to kill themselves.
    I don't think I'm strong at all. I've already tried to kill myself once.
    This has helped, though. Just being able to honestly express my feelings amongst people who have or do feel the same way.

    Thank you, though. I really appreciated that.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling of not wanting to lose myself. I am struggling with that issue myself friend. However, I am telling myself, that I am not happy. So losing misery is a plus right?

    Life is just like anything else. If we do not like it we want out. I do not like playing soccer, when I was forced to it was never-ending. However, when I ski or play baseball it seems like there are not enough hours in the day.

    You do not have to completely lose yourself, just let yourself evolve. Into something that can make life enjoyable.
  8. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    I'm so fucking picky over how I'm going to kill myself. I spend so much time looking up ways to kill myself and going through medication and then looking them up and finding the lethal doses that I'm wondering if I'm really just putting it all off.

    It's like, if I really wanted to kill myself, I already would have, right?

    Therapists don't fucking understand me. I'm not being all teen angst here, either. They all assume that I must have shitty self-esteem or think that the world would be better if I was gone or that no one cares about me.

    That's not true.
    I don't know how to explain my opinion of myself. Self-esteem is a foreign concept to me. I'm pretty unbiased when I think about myself. I have no problem with my looks. I can look at the mirror and see faults, but they don't bother me. I can think about how I can be annoying sometimes, or how I'm not motivated or all of my flaws, but they don't affect how I feel about myself. And I guess that's unusual, because no one seems to get that.

    Lots of people care about me. People like me. I'm likable. Whatever.
    I don't like many people. I've only cared about one person in my entire life, and now because of my stay in a mental institution, that's gone. I was wiped of any feelings I had left.
    My mom thinks she did the right thing. She wouldn't listen to me when I said that that wouldn't help. I said that it made things worse for me; she said that it helped her, so it was worth it.

    If I kill myself, people will care. I'll have my parents and my grand parents and my friends and family friends crying over my grave. But I don't care. I think that's the problem. I have no empathy. I'm so apathetic about everything.

    I told my mother what I thought would help me. I wanted to volunteer in India, but I was about $500 short for the plane ticket. I had $2000 saved up. I wanted the culture shock and the sense that I'm actually doing something in the world. I think that that would be the only thing that could help at this point. My mother said that she wouldn't lend me the money even though she had money to lend.

    It's selfish of me to resent her for that, I know. But fuck it, I do.

    And now there are no other feasible options apart from giving up.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How about volunteering at your local homeless shelter or food bank. Sometimes volunteering to help the less fortunate can help us realize how fortunate we really are. You don't need to waste $2500 of your hard earned money to help people in a country half way around the world. Start by helping people locally. This might give you more purpose in your life.
  10. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    Please, I'm really doing bad tonight.
  11. Sonoran

    Sonoran Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. If volunteering in India is something you believe can help you through your situation, maybe you can still save up the money for the next opportunity. I don't know if this will help a little, too, but until the next opportunity arises, you might like learning as much as you can about Indian culture and maybe learning some of the many languages spoken in India (or the language(s) spoken in the region you are interested in).
  12. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    Thank you for replying. I needed it.

    The problem is is that I won't be able to go for another year. I don't think I can keep going that long.

    During the time that I thought I was going to be able to go, I was reading up and learning about their culture and language as much as I could. I hadn't been that interested in something for a very long time.
  13. Sonoran

    Sonoran Active Member

    A year can be a long time to wait; but, in my experience, focusing on something I find interesting and that I enjoy helps time pass a bit faster. If you believe volunteering in India will help you and is something you want to do, I would attempt to make many of my daily activities focus on the goal of going to India (if you don't already do that). If it is possible, maybe you can communicate regularly with someone already working in India as a volunteer.
  14. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    Going to India is the only thing I'm even remotely interested, but I'm lacking in any motivation to do anything like that. I just want to go now. I'm into instant gratification, apparently.
    I'm very seriously thinking about running away, obviously not to India, but at least I'd be independent (and likely on the streets).
  15. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I feel as if I need to constantly talk to someone about my depression lately. Talking about other things just isn't cutting it.

    But there are no specific details about why I'm depressed, so I'm left with nothing to say and no way to feel better.
  16. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    sometimes things build up you need to let them out, otherwise they get worse, is there anything that has triggered this?
  17. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    I don't think so. It's just the repetition of doing things that are in no way worthwhile.

    I'm 17, I work an eight hour day doing nothing important for minimum wage, I go home, watch some television until I get so tired that I fall asleep at 8pm.

    It's just frustrating. Every day drags on so long. Sitting here alone at work contemplating my depression is making things worse. I feel better when I'm doing stuff that gets my mind off of it. I like being distracted. I've just not had any distractions lately.
  18. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    A job can be very hard to do when you are depressed I am signed of work at the moment as i cannot handle it, concentration also goes, have you thought what you would like to do as a career and working towards that? It might give you some goals and also something you can focus on working towards.
  19. Surely Not

    Surely Not Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm going to become a copyeditor if I ever manage to get that far. I'm not really all that interested in it, and I don't really want to do it for a living, but it's the only thing I could imagine being any good at.

    I really, really want to quit my job. So badly. I don't want to work anymore. But my mom would not be okay with that.
  20. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    oh yes I wish I could quit my job (data analyst by the way) but working does give us that stability and purpose in life, and can be positive etc. Why don't you have a look online at the types of jobs online and see what interests you, whatever it may be you have it in you to do anything you want too given the right support and direction.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.