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I've finally made up my mind to do it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DeVon72176, Jun 23, 2010.

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  1. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    So, I did some things in my head and found out today that I'm pretty screwed. So I think I'm gonna give myself some time to finish somethings and I'm setting a date. It's not much time, but it gives me long enough to enjoy my daughters and their birthdays.

    I can't believe this is happening to me.

    I can't stop crying and nobody can help me.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Sorry to meet you when you are feeling so down...you say nobody can help you...why do you say that? Sorry if I missed something but I don't know your story but I would care to hear it...are you sure it is not just your depression talking to you..know what I mean?
    I for one have a date but I keep changing it..it comforts me and lets me know I don't have to put up with all this crap if I don't want to anymore. Either way it gives you time to maybe find a way out of the darkness...please allow us to help you...we just may be able to and then you can be around for your daughters that I know love you very much.
    Bambi....hope to hear back from you!
  3. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I can't be helped. Everytime I fight, I get knocked back down. I think I'm meant to be miserable. I get up every day and cry. I cry at night. So much has happened that I can't see an end to the pain.

    I'm to the point where every little thing upsets me. I used to be so strong. I'm just tired of fighting.

    I'm going to take my last days on earth, finish some things for my daughters and spend time with them. Maybe make a journal for them for later in their lives.

    Then I'll be ready.

    I can't cry anymore tonight. No more tears will flow...
  4. Autumnal

    Autumnal Member

    I understand how you feel man. I don't ever cry, but I stare. I just sit and stare all day long. I had set a date for myself in August so I could compose a suicide letter suitable for a writer.

    I have to check my life insurance though to see if I'm out of the two years suicide prohibition. I don't want my family to be burdened by the funeral costs. If you're serious about doing it, you should check that too. If you're going to leave your children spiritually destitute, you shouldn't also leave them financially destitute if you can help it.
  5. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    My children will be well taken care of financially. I will leave them stuff that I hope will ease their pain.

    Today, I begin another day of misery. I'm feel nauseous and sick. Didn't want to get out of bed.

    My date is set. I can't wait for this to be over.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Please Devon, I know that you're really suffering, but killing yourself is going to cause even more pain and suffering for your daughters. There has to be a better way. I haven't had a relative commit suicide before, but I don't think that loved ones ever get over the loss of a family member. Depression is not a death sentence. It makes life much more difficult to deal with, but there is hope. :hug:
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Dave but I have had a family member suicide (my child) and we never get over it...that's why I'm on this forum....Is that where you want your daughters to be?
    It will destroy your daughters ..no doubt in my mind about that..
    please go get help now.....get to your Gp or go to the hospital and commit yourself.....
    Your daughters don't deserve to be left with the pain you are feeling now ..and that's what will happen...
    I understand how you are feeling but there are other choices besides suicide...
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Please read my post in the soap box area. Do not do it! You are wanted, loved, and needed very much in this life! I would also love to be your friend. Blessings..
  9. greyroses

    greyroses Well-Known Member

    I respect your feelings, hurt, and pain. And Im glad you are thinking about your girls through this. But you should also know that your death will scar them permanently and that no amount of financial stability will ever come close to taking care of them. It would be a shame for them to lose a parent, and for you to lose your children, I think.
  10. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Yesterday was a first for me. For the first time ever, I looked to cut myself. I was on the line with the crisis center and they came on as I was going to do so. I didn't and made an appointment to see someone next week.

    I'm not crying so bad right now. I'm still really upset. I didn't go to work yesterday either. I have to so I can make money due to my situation, but it's not worth it at the same time.

    Luckily, I got to see my girls yesterday evening. I didn't realize that I hadn't seen them in almost two weeks (which is really long for me). It made me happy to spend a little time with them. I felt so much stronger. If I have a drug, my kids are it. That was the most positive thing to happen to me yesterday.

    After I went home, I got really sick. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm afraid to eat or drink anything as I may throw it back up. So, I sit alone, trying to think of what to do, cause I really want to see my girls this weekend, but I can't if I go to the hospital.
  11. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you! I know that your desire to see your daughters is strong, but I do know they want their mommy to get better. Hallelujah for your little sweet hearts. I have a daughter too, and to know that she loves me for me helps me tremedously when I need encouragement in parenting. I am imperfect, but her love and devotion to me proves what love should be like. I do my best to give her the same in return. Be strong momma, you can make it through this. I have faith in you. Blessings..
  12. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    Thanks for the words. I am a father, though. I know it's only been a few months since my difficulties, but I feel as if I'm a horrible father. I can parent fine, I just feel like I'm not with them enough.

    Sorry. I'm an emotional mess. And I'm trying to find a viable job and not be homeless in a month.
  13. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    You may not need to go to hospital but get some medical advice if you can.
    Make sure you do not dehydrate.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You're not a horrible father. You're a loving and caring father, who will do anything for his daughters. There should be more fathers who love their daughters as much as you do. I really hope that you are able to pull yourself together so that you can find a decent job and be able to pay the bills. :hug:
  15. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    Be thankful that you've got the ability to find a significant other because I don't. That's reason enough for me to kill myself. Your life is nowhere near as bad as mine.
  16. DeVon72176

    DeVon72176 Active Member

    I can't see a doctor because I don't have any insurance. My only option is to go to a hospital. I just found out today that my blood pressure is 182 over 127. Over the past few days, it's been hard for me to keep anything down, including water. And I usually drink 2 liters or more water a day.

    Thank you for the encouraging words on the father front. Right now, I only see them for a few hours a week, which is not acceptable for me. Plus, I've been selling a lot of items (the next item on my list is my video camera) and realized I don't have that much video of my 23 month old, which saddened me a lot. I feel like she is being failed by many people, including myself. It sucks that something so small can put a tear in my eye. It never used to be this way.

    I got lucky to find my ex at the time. I am very shy when it comes to meeting people for dating. I don't have this problem other wise. But I assure you, it is not easy for me. I don't know why though. At the same time, I don't compare situations. At least, I don't try to. But I can say that I can understand and appreciate how hard it is to meet someone. I can't say anymore unless you tell me your situation.

    I've got so much going on and if one thing falls, everything is going to fall. I have till the end of July to get a stable job, find a place to live (this would solve two problems, as I would be able to see my kids more often), and pay my car. If I can't do this, I lose everything and I'm not willing to be homeless.

    So I'm willing to end it then...
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Devon. Your blood pressure is very high and needs to come down. Try to get some exercise and eat healthier foods.
  18. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Devon,

    I'm glad you are feeling a little better. You seem like a great father to me. You are trying your best that's all any father does and you love your children. That's all any child needs. All they need is your love. The rest is not that important I think.

    Don't think too far ahead just deal with today. I'm praying for you and hope you do too.

    Your children need you so much and you have brought new life into the world. That's more than I have. That is a spectacular accomplishment.

    Please feel free to write me if you like,

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