That's right what's new I've given up all hope,no matter what I do it fails so I've had enough.I'll be working the courage to really do the final deed this time,it's all pointless needless to say more.
you've stared these demons in the face before. and survived. don't give up. please. i know you are exhausted from fighting this. who wouldn't be? i also know you've been trying very hard to help yourself. but it's not your time. maybe a new med will come on the market and this will be the one that finally works. you just need to be around to see that day. please hang on. you will be missed.
Thank you Catherine I'm really struggling now to see the light and just want to dissapear.I've tried that new med once again it seems like it doesn't do anything.It's all too much and anyone who would be inside my body and mind I know would do the same.
Hi Ace. It looks like you've been around this forum for awhile dealing with your issues. I"m new here and don't know what all you're dealing with, but I just want to say that I'm sorry that you've had such a hard time. I understand about wanting to dissappear - me too! And you're right that no one knows the combination of problems that you've had in your life to bring you to the low point that you are at! Nobody should ever judge how another feels!
I'm new to the whole concept of sharing my thoughts and feelings. I'm concerned about opeining myself up to judgement or ridicule but I'm just hoping that something will help. Maybe there is still some good in me.
I'm sure you've learned alot from this board and it would be nice if you could just stick around to help me or others. Maybe that is your purpose.
hi ace...so sorry that you are going through such a hard time again...you have always supported others here and offered hope and your insight. its really hard to offer support without knowing exactly the cause of your pain..but surely knowing that you have helped others here can give you a sense of purpose, that your life is worth something here even if you dont feel it in real life, and maybe in real life you could counsel others..you have a lot to offer, please try and fight your demons again...dont let them win, you are worth more than that :hug:
What are these new meds Ace? I'm new to meds myself and have never taken any until recently.
I started off on 5mg to ease me in - not much effect there, so upped to 10mg which is certainly starting to take effect. By that I mean I can feel a definite 'something' but so far its just the usual side effects, tiredness as if I've just been to ten festivals back to back and got smashed at each one.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but I did sleep 15 hrs a couple of times. Saves on cigarettes I guess.
I guess hope is more felt than seen. Even when you are in a dark place - and you've been there Ace - you've held on even if that hope was something you try to offer others. It means a lot to me to see people like you, names I know now, carrying on the struggle.
You see a failure - I admire you bro - and plenty of others who have it worse than me. It take a a lot of courage to come this far and to be still be here. After all tomorrow might see things change - you never knew what might happen but often as not with depression you think you do!
Could be another woman out there for you. Maybe a Want Ad saying 'Man with no hope seeks woman with no hope for hopeless romance!'.
I'm unemployed at the moment, like millions it often feels hopeless. but with so many in my area unemployed there is always the chance of odd jobs. Declare it to the tax-man if you feel like - but that might be more madness than depression with the current economic climate. There are gardening jobs to do right now - clearing gutters of leaves, tidying up gardens, maybe a lick of paint on that fence or wall.
The thing is Ace, and I'm sure you know it - having too much time on your hands - for a man, is often were the trouble begins. I've seen many divorces and separations, the man leaves and finds a bit of an empty life.
Depression if it kicks in means that rebuilding a life seems impossible. I guess taken all at once it seems daunting to recover your life - but take each problem on its own and its not so bad. A single problem can be overcome. Its like having a single dish to wash - no problem! But a sink-full and dishes lying here and there and it seems like too much.
You should pick a problem what CAN be tackled - I guess maybe you should keep a diary of your meds also as doctors might not be on the ball. I think that any given med might take 6 months to really try out - I mean if you start on 5mg and go up 10, 15 to 20mg and up to 40mg, that will take a few months. It is best to really try out meds, if you are going to use one then you might as well be religious about it - take it everyday- test out the best times to take it for least impact of side effects, if any.
There are a lot of meds out there - but maybe counselling would help you maybe know which coping mechanism would be best for you. It's amazing how we can pick up all manner of skills Ace. If you went on a course for a few months to learn how to be a gamekeeper, you would pick up the vital skills I'm sure. The same is true with coping skills. Some people are very adept at this - you ought to feel inspired by any counsellor who at least has the ability to connect with you and you to him or her.
Sometimes we can train the mind to see any positive even in a sea of negatives. Children often have this ability and elderly people. In adult life we often get too bogged down in stuff that does not really matter. Most worry is not worth it as whatever we worry about either happens or not.
The more you worry the worse things usually get.
There is a time and place for worry - but it has to be small percentage of the daily thought process not taking up way over 90% of it. I worry about bills being paid - getting a job, finding 'The One'. You know what I mean, some original guitar - one that feels 'just right'. Its like finding the right woman Ace - but at least with guitars you can own lots of them and not feel guilt when your caressing one and thinking about the others. I need a job before thinking about getting a women in my life. I don't want to have a date looking for a woman who is fast on her feet to avoid paying the bill.
Right now you are struggling on your own. We can help here but its limited in that we are not there by your side. I guess some people can articulate what they feel in writing with no problems but you cannot look someone in the eye to see if you have really 'connected' with someone. It is hard to expect friends or family to really be able to help with some things and better that you use someone who is trained to deal with a very emotional subject.
That said, I'd sooner anyone I knew told me their problems than a counsellor. But I'd understand if they were reluctant.
Anyhow Ace, that's my thoughts on your problems. Calling them 'problems' makes it sound so trite but I know what you are going through 100%. I know what it is like to feel hopeless and more think of it as 'hopelessness' which means its a state of mind - a passing phase which like all things will pass.
As for hitting rock bottom - one good thing about it is that you've already been through the motion of falling and have landed. If you fell down a manhole in the street you'd either phone for help or cry out so that someone passing might help you. When we get so down we feel we are in a hole then its OK to ask for help.
Good luck Ace, hope this year can see things turn around for you and have feeling like life is worth living again.
Maybe, if you live near any wilds, you should go camping for a night or take a nice hike. I was thinking of getting a cheap bicycle as its too far to walk to any nice parts were I am. We have parks and a smal excuse for a woods but I like the wilderness myself and you usually always feel better when you are moving and going somewhere. Even if its nowhere in particular, I find walking for several hours clears the mind and allows you to juggle all the negative thoughts without feeling too nonplussed by it all.
Sometimes its good to get away and chill out in natural surroundings. Camping stove or or just a safe camp, fire, and a tin of beans and maybe sausages and beans, and you are your own King. Not sat under the stars for a while - and yet it always occurs to me that I ought to do it.
My regards and prayers and good wishes.
A fellow passenger on the Bluesville Express. Stopping at Insecurity Fields, Lack of Confidence Park, Misery Central and heading towards Good Times if you hold on and keep your nerve round the bends.
Thank you all for your nice words or encouragement and support they really do mean lot.Each day is such a battle I've virtually tried everything out there meds on end,even a new one which I've been on for a little while called Valdoxan with no real change:sad:.
I'm struggling badly with my conditions Ocd,Bdd mainly and the depression and Anxiety as well.I try my best to change but feel nothing different each day.The sadness will last forever as Van Gogh said and that's how I feel non stop.It's been years since I've been like this it's just a total nightmare,each night I go to sleep thinking this is my last night:sad:.